Wit and Humour

Hawke's Bay Tribune, Volume XXII, Issue 205, 13 August 1932, Page 7 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour

LOVE IS LIKE THAT. ’‘How are you getting on with Do rial” asked the young man'* mother. "We have parted for ever," said the despondent youth sadly. "She is never even going to write to me any more." "Are you sure of that!" asked the parent sympathetically. "Yes," returned the young man. "She has told me so in each of her last four letters."

NOT SO BAD. A candidate was addressing a meeting when he was frequently interrupted by a man who kept on saying, "You’re silly.” The candidate eould stand it no longer and suddenly exclaimed: — "You are drunk man, drunk." "Tee, I know, but I'll be sober in the morning and you'll still be silly." Z BUSINESS FIRST. Jewish Son: "Fadder, there’s a man Outside in the rain. Shall I ask him inf" Jew: "No, my son; see if he will buy an umbrella.” HUDDLED. Little Dorothy heard her father telling a friend that her new dog looked like a cross between a spaniel and a pomeranian.

One day the minister came to tea, and after admiring the dog asked what kind it was.

“Well," said the little girl, "daddy says it’s either a Spaniard or a geranium." POTTED WISDOM. A fool and his money are soon married. A telephone operator can make a few words go a long way. A dog isn’t a dentist because he occasionally inserts teeth. If men wore loss stupid women would have to bo a lot more clever.

A barber is not a pugilist, although he does give a customer an uppercut. When a woman is lost in admiration she may be found in front of a mirror. If a young man mows a large lawn, carefully clips the edges, and then rolls it without a word of protest, he is in the garden of his prospective father-in-law. ONE BETTER. "My father is a great musician," paid young Freddy to the little girl ho met at the seaside. "When he whistles hundreds of people stand still and listen.”

"When my father whistles thousands leave off work,” said the little girh

"I don’t believe you,” said Freddy peevishly. •‘lt*s true, though," said the little girL "Be blows the whistle at the factory where he works." PAYING HER WAY. Mother and the children were in the hall waiting to start the Whitsun holiday motor tour. Presently sounds of wrath came from father’s room. The maid rushed up the stairs.

"What is it, air!” she asked. Master's head protruded from under the bed.

"Look here,” he said breathlessly, "I pay fifty pounds a year and all found, don’t II”

"Why, yes, sir,” said the girl timidly.

"Then, hang it all, find my collar ptudl” he snapped.

NASTY MAN. She: "We women suffer in silence.” He:"Yw, I always understood that Jt was painful to you to be silent.” A DARK SCHEME. Hortense—Oh, she was mad about him! And when she heard he preferred dark girls she went and had her hair dyed. What d'you think of that! Harold—l certainly think it was taking an unfair advantage. THE TEST. ■ •’Will you love me after we are married!" "Mate and see.” WHY HE ASKED. Old Lady: "Aren’t you ashamed to ask for money!" Tramp: Well, lady, I got six months last time for taking it without asking. ’ ’ ,

A RISING TEMPERATURE. Things were rather strained between the two sweethearts. "But, George darling," she said, "1 do love you still. You cannot imagine how warm my love for you is.” George groaned inwardly. "Oh, but I do, all right,” he returned. "I’ve always noticed how my money burns when I’m nbar you.” HOW IT WORKED OUT. Handley had not come out very well in the marriage lottery. One day at his club he was bemoaning his troubles to a more fortunate member.

"Yes,” he said, "before I married everyone told me that marriage was a gamble.” The other yawned. He was rather bored.

“And how did you find it!” he asked.

"Why,” said Handley bitterly, ‘‘•a fellow hasn’t got a chance.”

THE WINNING SPIRIT. ' "Why fob don’ yuh sell yuh' mule, Moses!” “Wai, Rastus, ah won’ give in. If I was to sell dat mule, he’d take it as a pussunal victory. He’s bin tryin’ ter git rid o’ me foh weeks.’’’ HER CULINARY POLICY. She was newly married, and a very poor cook, but, greatly desiring a new hat, she exercised many pains over the preparation of the evening meal. ‘‘Soup all right, darling?” she inquired, as she and her husband sat at dinner.

“Eer—yes—rather 1” he replied dutifully.

“Fish nice, sweetheart?” she asked, later.

“This fish is—er—oh, top-hole!” he muttered, politely. “Is the steak done properly for you dear?” she murmured, in due course. “Oh—er—yes, quite well,” he agreed. “And,” she coyly whispered, with dreams of gorgeous headwear, “what will your wifey get is she cooks your meals like this regularly?” “My life insurance, honey!” he said truthfully.

COULD BE NO OTHER. Fred: “Last night I dreamed I married the most beautiful woman in the world.” Maude: “Were we happy?”

AMPLIFIERS.

Indignant Mother; “I want to know why my Bertie doesn’t have music lessons?” Teacher: “My dear woman, Bertie has no ear for music.” Indignant Mother: “Rats! Why, my Bertie has ears like saucers!” t WHAT HAD HE EATEN? Hasty Husband: “Your cooking gets worse and worse. I wouldn’t give that stew I’ve just eaten to the dog!” Wife; “Oh, well, it’s not necessary now. He can have your dinner that’s over on the dresser!”

A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE. He was taking her for a trip down the Thames, As they circled round the lightship which helps to guard the mouth of the river she became excited. “Where are we going now, Tom?” she asked. “We’re going round the Nore,” said Tom, as he pointed to the lightship. “Oh, really, Tom!” she replied, in unbounded surprise. “I’ve heard of him. And is that his ark?”

TOO BAD. W’ife: “ ’Ere you are, just ’ome after doing two years for arson, and now you can’t even make the kitchen fire draw!” BROADCAST. Angelina (at last pacifying baby): “Edwin, it is nearly six weeks since dear little tootsie wootsie was born. Have you told the registrar yet?” Edwin (fed up): “Not I. If the regiistrar lives anywhere within seven miles’ distance he’ll need no telling.” THE REASON. Boy: “What do people have candles on their birthday cake for, dad?” Father: “Oh, just to make light of their age.” FURTHER PERIL. A: “I hear your daughter won £20,000 in a sweepstake, old man. That’ll keep the wolf from the door for a long time.” B: “It may keep the wolf from the door, but I’ve noticed a lot of young ‘cubs’ hanging round.” A DOUBLE HANDICAP. Employer: “You are always rushing in at the last minute. Why don't you get a bike to come on?” Workman; “I should, but yer see, sur, it’s down-hill t-work, an’ uphill , ’ome.”

THE DIFFERENCE. Andy: “In what way does a man ■ differ from a woman when drinking tea?” Sandy: “I’ll buy it.” Andy: “The man talks between sips, and the woman sips between talks.” THE EARLIER AFFAIR. “I hardly feel like a stranger,” said the best man at a wedding; “my friend has so often done me the honour of reading extracts from his dear Ivy’s letters.” “Sir!” exclaimed the bride. “My name is Margaret.”

SPORTING LUCK. “Mabel tells me she’s very fond of summer sports.” “I should say so! She was engaged to si:, last summer.” AWKWARD. Booking clerk (at small village station): “You’ll have to change twice before you get to York.” Villager (unused to travelling): “Goodness me, and I’ve only brought the clothes I be standing up in.”

THE QUESTION. 1 Young man: ‘I would go to the end of the world for you.” Young woman: ‘‘Yes; but would you stay there?” THE REASON. Miss Gusher: “How did your accident happen, Mr Flightley?” The airman; “Oh, well, I flew into an air pocket, you know.” Miss Gusher: “Dear, dear; and I suppose there was a hole in it?” BUSY. One way to keep a body from becoming a busybody is to keep a body busy.

WHAT NEXT? Father: “What do you want now? Haven’t I just set your husband up in business ?” Married daughter: “Yes, daddy, dear, but George wants you to buy him out.” DONE TO A “T”l He had been married a mouth. ‘.‘My wife’s the dearest woman on earth,” he said, “but 1 wish she’d get a new cookery book I” “What’s the matter with it?” asked his chum. “I think there’s a misprint in it,” the newly-wed rejoined. “Instead of ‘turn’ the book must say ‘burn!’ ” WAITING FOR IT. A well-known barrister was sitting in church with his small daughter during a marriage ceremony. When the service was over, and the bridal procession had entered the vestry, the barrister motioned the child to leave the church. ‘What, daddy?” she exclaimed. “Leave now? Before we hear the verdict?” FAR BEFORE. There was an old lady named Carr, Who caught the 3.3 to Forfar, “For,” she said, “I believe. That the 3.3 does leave Far before the 4.4 for Forfar.” BY THEIR FRUITS, ETC. First Artist: “Brushem does some very realistic work, doesn’t he?” Second Artist: “Yes, last week he painted an apple, and to-day I heard a critic say it was rotten.” THEN THERE WAS TROUBLE.

Employer: “Johnny, where is that letter I left on your desk to be posted?” Johnny: “I posted it, sir.” Employer: “But it didn’t have an address on it.” Johnny: “No, I noticed that, sir, but 1 thought that was because you didn’t want me to know whore it was going.” OLD PERSIAN. The mistress of the house was explaining the household duties to the new maid. “This,” she said in awed tones, “is a very valuable Persian rug.” She paused and added: “I want you to be very careful when you clean it, as it is very old and has been in the family for many generations.” The new maid nodded understandingly.

“I can quite see it’s old, ma’am,” she replied, “but I daresay we can make it last through the summer if we’re careful.” LEARNED HIS LESSON. Teacher: “How do you spell ‘little’?” Johnny; “L-i-t-t-l-e.” . Teacher: “You should say, “L-i double t-l-e.’ ” Next clay Johnny had to recite the verse beginning, “Up, up, my love, the sun is shining,” but he was not to bo caught again, and this is what he said, “Double up, my love, the sun is shining”