Joke Competition

Hawke's Bay Tribune, Volume XXI, Issue 12, 27 December 1930, Page 11

Joke Competition

SENIORS. “Now, boys,” said the schoolmaster, “is there any point you would like to ask me about long measure before I pass on to the next subject?” “Yes sir,” replied a little boy nervously. “How many policemen’s feet does it take to make a Scotland Yard?” Prize of 1/- to Ray Hannah, ago 11 years, Park Rd., Hastings. * Pat was being told of the extreme heat in the deserts of Africa where there was once a boy whose hair was scorched right off because the sun was hot. “That's nothing,” drawled Pat, “when I was in auid Ireland we had to feed the hens on ice-cream to stop them from laying fried eggs.” —Red Certificate to Keith Thom, age If years, Maraetotara via Havelock North. Goldbags was a rough diamond who had made his fortune in trade. He managed to get into a club where ho would appear very much overdressed and under-washed. One day he turned up wearing an impressive diamond ring. Looking round till he saw a member he knew, Goldbags approached the gentleman, threw out his glittering hand and asked opinion of the ring. The other regarded it carefully for some minutes, then looked up. “Very fine, but the wrong stone for your fingers,” he said. “What stone ought I to use?” asked Goldbags. “Have you ever tried pumice?” asked the other quietly. —Red Certificate to Douglas Tonkins, age 11 years, 406 Market St., Hastings. A man was telling his son a bedtime story about an alligator. It was creeping up behind a turtle, with its mouth wide open. Finally it was within reach, but just as its great jaws were snapping shut the turtle made a snring, ran up a tree and escaped. “Whv. father,” said the hoy, “how could a turtle climb a tree?” “By gosh,” replied the father, "he had to.” —Orange Certificate to Henry Mollier, age 13 years, P. 8., Hastings. Teacher: “What is a distant relative?” Bobbv: “Please, sir, my cousin Jim. He lives in Australia.” —Orange Certificate to Gladys Epplett, age 13 years, C/o Tunanui Station, P. 8., Hastings.

The teacher had asked her bright pupils to write an essay explaining as briefly as possible all they knew about kings. This is what one brainy boy wrote. The most unpopular king is wor-king, the laziest shir-king, the wittiest jo-king, the quietest thinking, the slyest win-king, and the noisiest tal-king. —Red Certificate to David Doolev age 11 years, Omahu road, Hastings. The householder, clad in hie pyjamas gave a shout of joy: “By jove. a real burglar! I say, just wait a minute, will you?” “While you call a copper, ehf’t sneered the burglar; ‘>iot likely.” “Oh no,” replied the man; “just while I call my wife. She's heard vou every night for twenty years, and it’ll be a real pleasure to her to see you at last.” —Red Certificate to Audrey Kemsley, age 11 years. Clive road, Hastings. Dick and Jimmy were spending St few days with their grandmother who spoils them. One night, at prayers, Jimmy vociferated his petitions in a voice that could be heard a mile. He was telling the Divine Providence what he wanted for Christmas, and his enthusiasm in the cause got on his brother’s nerves. “What are vou nrayjng for Christmas presents so loud for?” interrupted Dick. “The Lord ain’t deaf.” “No,” whispered Jimmy, “but Grandma is.” — Orange Certificate to Mabel Wyatt, aye 13 years, 508 Victoria street, Hastinys. Pat became an apprentice In a shipyard, and the first morning the foreman put a two-foot rule into him hand and told him to go and measure a large steel plate. He returned in twenty minutes. “Well, Pat,” said the foreman, “what is the size of the plate?” A satisfied grin stole over Pat's face. “It’s just the length of this rule.” he replied, “and two thumbs over, with this brick, and the breadth of mv hand, and my arm from here to there, bar the finger!” —Orange Certificate to William Moxey. age 11 year;, 907 Outram road, Hastings.

JUNIORS. The teacher was giving a lesson on “gravity.” “I want you to understand,” she said, “that it is the law of gravity that keeps us on earth.” “Please miss,” squeaked young Bill, “how did we stick on before the law was passed.” —Prize of 1/- to Wilfred Doola, age 9 years, Omahu road, Hastings. Some commercial travellers thought they bad found a good target for their humour in a clergyman who booked a room at their hotel. He received all their jests with irritating indifferencCj however. “I wonder you stand those youngy sters so patiently,” said an older man, after a particularly foolish joke at the dinner table. “Don’t yog hear what they are saying?” The clergyman smiled gently a* the grinning faces waiting for bft reply. “Oh, yes,” he answered, *%ul then, you see. I am chaplain at « lunatic asylum so I’m used to this sort of thing!” —Red Certificate to Marie Robins, age 10 years, 403 Collinge Rd., Hastings. At a dinner party one winter, an officer of the Dragoon Guards had been placed with his back to the fi*e. He stood the heat for some time, but was at last obliged to ask for a fire-screen. His host, a pompous old squire, who thought everything belonging to him was perfection, got exceedingly out of temper at the fire beipg complained of and said: “A British soldier should always be able to stand fire.” “But not at his back, Sir,” was the witty response. —Red Certificate to Ken Bale, age 10 years, Havelock North. Wife (trying on hats); “Do yon like this turned down, dear?” Husband: “How much is it?”“Eleven dollars.” “Yes, turn it down.” —Red Certificate to Elsie Leipst, age 9 years, 1020 Jellicoe St., Hastings. Apartment owner (a stout gentleman): This, sir, is one of our finest kitchenette apartments. Prospective tenant: “Well, come out a minute and let me get inside.” —Orange Certificate to Bob Epplett, age 10 years, C/o Tunanui station, Sherenden, Hastings. Little girl (who has been sent to the hen-house to collect the eggs:: “There are no eggs there Mummie, only the one the hens use for a pattern J’ —Orange Certificate to Ivor Curtis, age 10 years. Southland road, Hastings.