Joke Competition

Hawke's Bay Tribune, Volume XVI, Issue 11, 24 December 1925, Page 13

Joke Competition

JUNIORS. A physician once ordered a Scotch minister to drink beef-tea. The next day, when the doctor called, the patient complained that the-new drink made him ill. “Why, sir,” said the doctor, “that can’t be. I’ll try it myself.” As he spoke, he poured some of the beef-tea into a food warmer. Then, having warmer it, he tasted it, smacked his lips, and said: “Excellent! Excellent!” . . . “Man,” said the minister, “is that the way ye sup it?” “Of course. What other way? - “But tn- it wi’ the cream and sugar, man. Try it wi that, and see boo ye like it.” —l/- awarded to Jean Steven, age 10 years. Otane. Kitty: Come in and see our new baby. Lady Teacher (single): thank you. Kitty,’ but I will wait until your mother is better. Kitty: Ron needn’t be afraid. It’s not catching. —Red certificate to Elva Gigg. age 9 years, 40 lE. Southampton street, Hastings. Betty: “Did your mummie make your ’Xmas cake nice and rich, Rosie: “No, I don’t think so. In only found one threepenny bit in it.” —Red certificate to Margaret Heasman. age 9, 809W. Frederick street, Hastings. The waiter was taking the order from a pretty girl, who was accompanied by a very florid, middle-aged gentleman. “And how about the lobster?” asked the waiter. . , , “Oh,” said the girl, “he can order what he likes, but kindly attend to me first.” , —Orange certificate to Esther I rankling, age 10, Box 75, Havelock N. A woman who took her little daughter to tea was surprised to sec her trying to put a thin piece of bread and butter into her pocket. * “Whatever are you trying to do? asked the shocked mother. “1 thought I would take it home to nurse for a pattern,” replied the child- . —Orange certificate to Kauma Godfred, age It) years. 100(5 Waipuna street, Hastings. Old Lady (to booking office clerk) “What time does the three o’clock train go?” Clerk (smiling): “Sixty minutes past two.” “There! I told Lizzie the time was changed.” — Leighton Patmore, age 9 years, 911 Albert street, Hastings. Schoolmaster: “Freddy, run into the hall and see if the school clock is going.” Freddy (on return): No, sir, it s not going, it’s standing still : but it s wagging its tail.” —Trilby Bale. age 7, Havelock North. Higson was always complaining of his wife’s memory. , “She can never remember anything,” he said. “It’s awful.” “My wife- was just as bad.” said White, “till I found a capital recipe.” “What was it?” inquired Higson eagerly. •Why.” said White. “whenever there’s anything particular 1 want tho missus to remember, 1 write it on a slip of paper and gum it on the looking °.—Beryl I annah. age 9 years. 309 E Lyndon road, Hastings.

A doctor gave one of his patients three pills, one for his nerves, one for his kidneys and another for indigestion. The man looked at the doctor "and said: “But how will the little beggars know where to go when they get inside?” —Ronald Shakespeare, age 9 years, 709 Alexandra street, Hastings. @ SENIORS. Old Gentleman: “What, lost your half-crown little girt? Dear me!” And the kind old gentleman put his hand into his pocket and brought out a silver coin. But this made little Molly very cross. “Why, you had it all the time then,” she cried reproachfully. —Red certificate to Edna Morton, age 11 years, 301 W Frederick street, Hastings. An Irishwoman walked into a big stotes and a shopwalker, who was very bow-legged, asked what he could do for her. She said she would like to look at some handkerchiefs. “Just walk this way, madam,” said the shopwalker. The old lady looked at his legs. “No sorr,” she replied, indignantly. “I couldn’t if I tried.” —Red certificate to Gladys Loonies, age 13 years, 402 Eastbourne street, Hastings. Pat was always being knocked down in the football match. At last he received such a tremendous kick on the head that it outed him. On recovery he heard the referee say: “Never mind. Pat. that was a foul.” “Begorra!” said Pat. “I thought it was a mule.” —Orange certificate to Lawrence Gigg,. age 13 years, 404 E. Southampton street, Hastings. The recruits were being put through paces by an irritable drill sergeant. Suddenly he roared “mark time!” “Shall I mark time with my feet?” asked one recruit in a meek voice. “Of course, you idiot,” roared the sergeant. “Did you ever hear of marking time with your hands,” “Yes, sir.” was the recruit’s startling reply, “clocks do it.” —Orange certificate- to Thomas Paterson, age 13 years, care of W. Robertson, Southland road, Hastings.

Having amassed great wealth and filled his coffers to overflowing, the dignified, if rather “stingy” Welshman decided to purchase a magnificent country mansion which an estate agent had brought before his notice. Some time later the new owner and his family moved in, and, having got their house in order, so to speak, the- old gentleman decided io rename it. He interviewed a local artist, and the new nameplates were nia.de, painted, and attached to the gates. They bore tho words “The Cloister.” “But,” said the Welshman’s wife, “wo can’t call this place ‘The Cloister.’ There isn’t a cloister about- it.” “Oh, yes, there is. my dear,” replied her husband. “It’s cloister the golf links cloister the sea, and cloister the station. What more do you want ?” —Nola Rhynd, age 11 years, 1007 Caroline road, Hastings. “There’s a sad case,” said a welldressed man to his companion, as a shabby-looking individual in a timeworn overcoat passed by. “That chap used io have pots of nianey and now “Drink?” queried his companion. “No, no, certainly not. he —” “Gambling on the Stock Exchange.” interrupted the friend. “Lt was nothing of that sort, he made—” “Lost you mean; betting and horseracing, ruin a man sooner than anything!” “You are mistaken, it was not his foult. He was the victim of a passing fancy, a craze, anything you like to call it.” “A woman?” The other dropped his voice to a shocked whisper. “Not just 'one woman, all of ’em. He was a hair-pin manufacturer.” -Joan Hannah, ago 12 years, 309 E. Lyndon road. Hastings. M hen a man falls down, his temper generally gets up before he does. —Doris Beckett, age 13 rears, 109 E. Southampton street. Hastings. “My husband is particularly liable to seasickness. Captain.’’ remarked a lady passenger. “Could you toll him what to do in case of attack?” “ ’Tain’t necessary Ma’am.” replied the Captain, “He'll do it.” -C.K.