Joke Competition

Hawke's Bay Tribune, Volume XVI, Issue 7, 19 December 1925, Page 13

Joke Competition

SENIOR SECTION. “I’ll explain deductiort,” said the young student, airing his knowledge in tho home circle. “In our backyard, for example, is a pile of ashes. By deduction, that is evidence that we’ve had fires going this autumn.” “By the way. John,” broke in his father, “you might go out and sift the evidence.” —l/- awarded to Winnie Cook, age 13 years, 205 Wolseley street, Hastings. “Edward,” said Mr. Rice. “What do 1 hear? That you have disobeyed your grandmother who told you just now not to jump down these steps.” “Grandma didn’t tell us not to, papa. She only camo to the door and said: ‘I wouldn’t jump down those steps, boys; and I shouldn’t think she would, an old lady like her.” —Red certificate to Doris Beckett, age 13 years, 409 E Southampton street, Hastings. A large map was spread upon tho wall and the teacher was instructing the claSs in geogranhy. “Horace,” said she to a small pupil, “when Vou stand in Eurcfpe facing the north, you have on your left hand the great Atlantic Ocean. What have you on your right hand?” “A wart,” replied Horace, “but 1 can’t help it, teacher.” —Red certificate to Gladys Loomea, age 13 years, 402 Eastbourne Street, Hastings. Jimmy: “Please, I’ve come after your advertisement.” Grocer: “Oh, yes, 1 want a boy to be partly indoors and partly out.” Jimmy: “Oh. dear! What happens when the door shuts?” —Red certificate to Gladys Symes, age II years, 1105 Karamu road, Hastings. The householder, answering a knock at tho door, discovered a poor Jew who. the previous day, had bogged a waistcoat from him. “Docs the kind gentleman remember,” said tho Jew, “that he gave mo a vaistcoat yesterday? Veil, 1 found a five-pound note in der pocket.” “Upon my word,” said the householder, “you are an honest man. Come inside.” While the Jew was enjoying a meal, the householder said: “Of course you have brought the waistcoat back?” “No,” replied the Jew. “I haf come to beg lor der coat and trousers.” —Orange certificate to Lawrence Gigg. age 13 years, 40 lE. Southampton street, Hastings. Jimmy (at the Zoo): “Oh, daddy! What animal is that?” Daddy: “OTI, that is an ant-eater, my son!” .Jimmy: “Goodness! And does he cat uncles as well?” —Orange certificate Io Thelma Symes, age 13 years, 1105 Karamu road, Hastings. Mrs .Smith had promised to give hoi friend. Mrs. Brown, a clog; but, before she could no so it- died. She then wrote this explanatory note: “Dear Mrs. Brown,—l write to lot you know that the dog I promised you is dead, and 1 hone these few lines will find yon the same.” —Marjorie Ward, a"c 11 years, Kaiapo road. Hastings. An Italian with an organ had been playing before the house of a very irascible old gentleman, who furiously, and with wild gesticulations, o£dered him to “clear off.” The orjan grinder, however, continued to grind away, until finally the old gentleman had him arrested for disturbance. At the police court the magistrate asked why the organ grinder did not leave when requested to do so. “No understand mooch Englese,” was the reply. “But,” said the magistrate, “you must have understood what this gentleman meant when he kept stamping his feet and waving his arms.” “No not know,” replied the Italian, “thinka he come dance to my music.” —Orange certificate to Reneta Walker, age 13 years, 907 Albert street. Hastings. As a small boy came running round the corner he collided with an old lady. “Dear me, where are you running io. little man?” she said. “Home!” he panted. “Mother is going to spank me.” “Rut do you mean to say you arc so eager tn be punished?” she asked. “No,” he retorted, “but if I don’t got hack before father, he’ll do it! - Rhoda Graham. age_ 13 years, Lucknow road. Havelock North. The bridegroom was describing the marriage ceremony. “And how much did the parson charge vou?” asked his friend. “611, he tnld me to give him what I liked, so T handed him sixpence.” And what happened then?” “The parson took a good look at the bride and gave me back fourpence. •Koith Walker, ago 11 years, 907 \lbort street, Hastings,

Bill: “My brother is so shortsighted that he’s working himself to ueath at Ins new job.” Jack: “But what’s his short sight to do with him being overworked.” “Well you see lie’s so short-sighted that he can’t see when the foreman isn’t looking. —Jim Foster, ago 13 years, 311 Beresford street, Hastings. JUNIOR SECTION. A shoe-maker hung out a new sign and then wondered what passers-by found so amusing. His sign read as follows:—“Don’t go elsewhere to bo cheated. Walk in here I” —Red certificate to Mary Foster, age 10 years, 311 Beresford street, Hastings. Tommy was sitting with his mates round the camp-fire relating his experience both at the war and hospital. “Yes,” went on Tommy, “the nurse took my wounded hand in hers and said: ‘Just fancy, it was with this hand that you killed the German who wounded you.’ Then she kissed my hand she did.” “You poor fool, broke in Donald who was listening open mouthed. “Why didn’t you tell her you chewed the Hun to death.” —Red certificate to Elva Gigg, age 9 years, 404 E., Southampton street, Hastings. I called on tho Jacksons this evening,” said Mr. Jones. “Did you, liovv are they?” “Oh all right I think. Jackson was beating his wife when I got there.” “What?’? gasped Mrs. Jones. “He stopped when I went in although 1 begged him to go on.” “You brute! You mean to say you stood there and saw that scoundrel beat his wife?” Jones smiled calmly. “T could beat you,” ho said, “if I held tho cards he held.” —-Orange certificate to Tommie Robinson, age 9 years, Bark road, Hastings.. A holiday-maker, who was spending the day at Blackpool amused himself in the afternoon by trying all tho penny-m-the-slot machines on tho piers, and a great number and variety of them there were too. Presently he camo to ono that didn’t respond £o the bronze. “Look here,” he said to tho pier attendant, “that machine is to try your weight, the next your height, that one your strength, the other your sight, tho one over there your lungs, and now I’ve put a penny in this thing, but I don’t see what its for. “That, guv’nor,” replied the pierman: “Oh, that one’s to try your temper!” And it did. —Orange certificate to Rauma Godfrey, age 10 years, 1006 Waipuna street, Hastings. Tho persuasive cheap-jack ended his harangue by offering a bright new shilling for sale. “What bids, gentlemen,” ho said, “for this* perfect likeness of the King in solid silver.” Fast came the bids till at last a small treble voice made itself heard. “Elevenpence for it,” ho cried, and no one . bid any higher. “It’s yours, my little man,” said the cheap jack. “Where is your elevenpence.” “Take it out of the bob and give me the change,” piped tho youngster. Orange certificate to Billy Edwards, ago 8 years. 604 Victoria street, Hastings. “And when wo arc married we shall be so happy, dear.” “Oh, yes.” “But supposing, darling, ono morning I should get uj) grumpy, and grouse because the coffee may be cold?” “I should make it hot for you, dearest!” —Trubv Bale, ago 7 years, Havelock North. Dicky: “Daddy, may 1 ask you something?” Daddy: “Certainly, my son.” Dicky: “Well, does a Chinaman wag his pigtail when he’s pleased?” —Edith Thom, ago 10 years, Kowhai Falls, Maractotara, Havelock North. A teacher, who had given a small boy a whipping remarked at the end of the operation: “You know, Johnny, 1 am only punishing you because 1 love you.” “Ah,” said Johnny, with a sigh, “how I wish I were big enough ' to return your love!” —Alma Florance, ago 10 rears, Paki Paki Mr. Pig: “Can you toll me which is the bigger. Mrs. Bigger or her baby?” Mr Sparrow: “Yes. Tho baby, because it’s a little bigger. Ha, ha !” —Margaret Heasman, ago 9 years, 809 Frederick street. Hastings. This has been published already, but I would like Mr. Printer to insert it again because [ remember reading somewhere that Mil*. Bigger was the bigger. Indeed he was Fa-tlier Bigger.-C.K.