WIT AND HUMOUR.

Hawke's Bay Tribune, Volume I, Issue 144, 3 June 1911, Page 4 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

RCMR BABY! Tam. tlie shepherd* M>n >’?£, ia .l iwrt bovn ri *‘ i **E* l the “on i «w r~-« Mi ’."’■•ir r.«'£’n!!£jsr<~ •>» ■•a on Mtn ft watt * fortnight ’. ’ ’ A GOOD REASON TOO. When a S. otchman answers a T 4 *”' Iron he settles the matter in dispute tor HL On 3 certa.n occasion ' ! %BlbywM Mary Q ucc ‘' of & ’ otA ,J ’” n Ot Sandv Kert promptly answered . Tso- • anse h r mither was staying then . s,r there a< tually seenrnl to Unothing more to say on the subject.

the royal presence

Ti»- Emp mr Francis T who resigned over Votru- in the « tnrv u:s not renownci for his "it. h7s sail that l".o of his *"«* once quarrelling violently in his pres ’"“You are the greatest ass in \ mni.a •” cn- of them at length shouted nn**iilv to the* other- . . . , Thn" Empvror pained that «nrh 3 seer.e -boule <nur before him. and thought it r'X.'ss.-.rv to intervene. flash ” he said, 'you forget that I am hen!”

MIXING THE MASTERS

“T-.ere’s mnnv 3 true won! spoken 1„ icJdeut ” sa'd a noted author and artist, at a dinner. f drop,ci in nt 3 P’£ t " r< ' '’I 0 on< ' «’av.” lie continued- **T^ e auctioneer ViMtHved a daub and >ftid: — ••Now. ladies and gentlemen, what am I offered for this stiprb 1 elasqtiez. probably the lest Velasquez that ever . r.me from th- master s hand. 'There were no bids whatever. -< the mteti neer lo«>k up another picture. “ ‘Very well, l'.<lii' and gentlemen, fc wen on. I now offer you a Titian tv t?.c same artist.’ ”

SEEN IT Al S 3.

The testv otd gentleman force! t<. -ait an hour at a wayside station wa-. bemoaning his fate, when a miH-man-non'd countryman strolled into the station an 1 r.imr enc-.xl to converse Looking at the many labels on the visitor’s bag. he began. , . 'You’re travelled about quite a bit. "Yes.” . 'Ever st-on a Chinee? "Heaps of times.” "Ever seen a Jap?” •■Yes.” •'Ever seen a Jew?”•Oftcn.”

"Ever seen a ’’ The testy old gentleman could stand it no longer, and, rising to his full height, shouted in stentorian tones: •'Did you ever see a fool?” The mild-mannered one let his keeneve rest on the irate traveller for a moment then in a sweet, low voice, replied - -Yes, 1 have.”

HOW SOME FOLK SUCCEED.

Filphaker, the chemist, was making hay wen while it was only the electrio lamp outwit- his shop that shone. He had just filled a bottle with a farth.ng’a worth of rhnbarb and half a pint of water, and labelled it “Our Half(Trown Heartburn Cure,” when a lady cane ia. . . “j want a bottle of glycerine,' sae said. “Yes ” said the knight of the pestle, as be handed it across the counter. “That will he one-and-a-penny—a shilling for the glycerine and a penny for the bottle. “But I had some here a month ago." said the lady, ‘ and I paid nothing tor the bottle " “Is that so?’’ said Pilphaker. 'Then that will lie one-and-twopenco altogether.”

WHAT HE THOUGHT.

A man of a sporting type wr.% t:.-.-rell'ng by rail when he had as fellowtravellers for some distance a couple of north-country farmers who had been south on business. The sporting nmi. presence began talking about dogs, a subject that did not interest the agrienlturists very deeply. “I bare a dog with a wonderfully kern scent,” he said; “and just permit rne to tell yon that one day after I left home he broke his chain, and. although I had been away for hours, he tracked no and found me merely by scent, lit hat do von think of that?" “I think.” repln«d the burlier of the twain, with a yawn, "re ocht tap ;ak’ r bath!” There were no more dog stories after that. The sporting man left the compartment at the next station.

NOT A KINDRED SOUL

The young poet had just finished what he considered to be a work of real inspiration, and. rising from his table, ho hastened upstairs to where his tittle wife, a bride of six weeks, was sitting asoidnouslv darning his socks. “Listen sweetheart.” he whisperer!, tcnderlv. “I have just written this.” And he to read. He nut his whole soul into the reading. His gestures were graceful, his intonation perfect Th*' wh'de spirit of his beautiful poem breathed forth as he threaded bis nav from the betrinning to the end of his theme; and when he bad finish'd he looked at her. awaiting the verdiet. For a time she was sib-nt. “Well, dear heart.” he said, “tell mo what you are thinking?” T was wondering, dearest ” What 3” •'Whether the butcher was not awfully late with that liver?” she replied. AMONG THE STARS. Ono was a navvy, tho other an astronomer: and thov were nl- ;.-' in a tbird-cliirs mil way-carriage. They started to sneak. “My n-~o.” s>id the astronomer, “have yon n>/az.-d upon the -tars? ’ “Yrs. BiL ?" replied the n-ivvv

“My name is not Wdiiam.” said the •stronomvr. nobtrlv. “but no matter. Have rntt ere- n M.vs or V.-n>i«?"

"Can’t -ar I hate. Mike." replied th e irrenrr•>«narrr.

“Drer me’” cjacnlat •»! tho astronomer. ‘‘But rwr’ a-'S von have s-cn Jupiter. or the comet 2 ” “No. no* .hinder.” returned the navvy: ‘*Mf I have seen almost as many re»mi-« ns 1 have sen stars. , bare «"cn <:-er*n Robey. Little Tieh. Fred Kamo’s Company, an’ Harry Lauder.”

TOO CLEVER ' Ix»t me do tie shopping this week, mv dear,’’ .aid Mr Ktwwaß, ® rn ?Z’ “and you wdl =ea tfeM)ffere»«* “ fm txnense. That linker of yours, toi hXnee. only allows «« sixpence. 1 shall get seven-*awn "'Round to tie baker’s went Mr Knowafl. ted at a pile <»n am* ng he I*’ 11 , n f Inins on the counter and said m rce?l: "" want seven of tho« buns to. .ixpence.” these buns for sixpence. . o luo giri i« o v«»r seven buns | -he sixpence, handing over se.e. . ir. exchange- „ .., Mr Knowall !">' dc a knew I could do .it. I-” »"•" ,w !Hn £.s dear. ” cooed Mrs. Knowall; : . u t those are halfpenny buns. EMULATION. • - “ Whv Bertha. I really .distress. «n-; ki yoU this j3U . the grocer s boy j i i ... ■ • \ girl shouldn’t mairy a : *• I know all aliout him she wouldn t mairy him.” | A BACHELOR S PERILS. | She- “ A bachelor «orse off than a warrhd man? How do you make that ° U He ■ The married man is afraid of „ n i‘ one "oman. but the bachelor is , ( frnid of all of them. | xcTVrouble. He (bashfullv): “ May I—er—kiss vour hand. Miss Dolly. - ’ She: "Oh. I suppose so. But it would lie so much easier for me to remove rov veil than my glove.

••Come, now.” persisted the la*yer. •are von not able to say. of your own knowhxlge. that the defendant was >n Ihe room at the time. and objected to the "hole proceeding? ’ “Yes si'.” savagclv replied the witness ‘I ain able to say it. I reckon; but I’d bo telling the biggest lie yon ever heard if 1 did.

I Mrs. Dearborn: \ Yon say that ts i Mrs. Burke-Martin?” : Mrs. Wahasb: ‘Yes : Burke was het I name and Martin was her husband s i "“Mr*. Deirlorn: “But why dn-s she .s<> th.- hvnhen betwe »n the names? j Mrs YVabash : 'To show that she is senarati*! from her husband.”