BETWEEN TWO STOOLS.

Hawke's Bay Herald, Volume XXVII, Issue 9268, 30 April 1892, Page 5

BETWEEN TWO STOOLS.

" Yes, sir, I flatter myself (hat I am ratW too good a catoh to give myself away. It is not every day that a woman gets the clianoa of marrying a man who, besides being well-to-do in the world, is pi f ted with a more than average share of good looka and ability, as is tbo case with me. A.ud lam sure you will not think mo ooQoeilod for owning honestly to qualities which nre patont to tbo moat careless observer." The protnulgator of theso modest sentiments certainly was a man whom tho majority of p.'oplo would term rather handsome than otherwise. He was also glvou to tho assumption of a jolly, good-tempered air whiou was well calculated to paas muster with folks who Were uot given to being too analytically observant. But there was a mean look ! lnrkimr in his closely-set eyes, and a vain curve disfiguring his well. shaped mouth, which materially discounted his claims to mental and physical superiority. His wnlk, also, possessed more utrut than dignity, and I thought sonis of his habits were decidedly vulgar— as, for instance, when he sorapod and trimmed his nails while talking, Still, all thcae trifles did not necessarily interfere! with the business on hand, and it was certainly not uiy cue to ncuativo Mr Malliuger'a appraisement o ;hu own value in either tbo matrimonial or any otuer market, Ou the contrary, long bus(noi)i> intercourse with all «:>rts of peoplo had wrought its natur.il result in tm>, and engendered a habit of camious acquiescouco iu tho sulfeatimativo viows of oihera. I therefore swallowed Mr Malllnger'H rhapsodies with tho air of a truo b.sliever, and eno'uiraged him to give mo the full confidents which is such an ali to suocens iu tliu profession of a private enquiry agent. "As I havo already told you," continued our client, " my adveriicement for u suitable wifu has been ro.-pomiej to by sboilo of women on tho look-oui for a comfortable settlement. Of course, my q'lalifioationß arocxooptional. Still, it ia rather amiißing for a fellow to have a ohoico of forty-six wives. li'> embarrassing, too, wheu you coran (<. think how eaay it may be to select tin very worst of tho buucb, Still^am bnund to mako the plungn, for, anoordiug to a will made by a relative, whose wits

must liave been wool-gathering, I am fo i inherit his foriuue only on condition that I am married and settled down to a quiet life before Christmas. Bat once let me got hold t of tie money, and we'll soon see whether the woman : lives who can tempt me to forego my usual pleasures." " And what can our firm do for yon, BirP" •' Well, I ara coming to that in due course. I have weeded all tho ineligiblea from the forty-six applicants for my hand. Some were too old. . Some . ridiculously young, and I neither want a grave mentor, nor a giddy piece of goods who would want a lot of looking , after. Some reckon, they will bo rioh when some relation died. Others profess to have suob wonderful qualities in. themselves that they are worth as maob' as other women with money. But Jonathan Mallinger hasn't much green In his eye, and he isn't to be caught by chaff. Of course, they are all wonderfully good-looking, and amiable, and all that ; but somehow I have deoided that tho olaims of forty-four of these damsels are not quite good enongh. This reduces my list to two, and for the life of me I cannot decide which of the two I ought to rise to the honour of becoming Mrs Wallinger." • , " Ah, I aee ! You want out opinion ' - on the matter. Good. We shall faNqgl happy to advise you." ' I-^ " No, you won't. I never was 'given \- rf to following anybody's advice but my \'.-M own, and I am certainly not going to ; ~|iS start n^vr, when it oonies to tylng^tfcs ) |V matrimonial noose." 'A : ' %". "Then what " ! -\-W "I wish you would be good enough %■■. to wait until it is time for you to speak. ' 'X Ton will then know what I want yon to ; H do. A? I was saying, there is a doubt ss to whioh of two women I shall marry. ■ ■ ; Judging by their photographs, they are ' '. equally handsome. Their other qualifl- . I cations, inoluding the amount of money -j at their present disposal, are on a dead •:_■ level. I shall write to-night, and ap? .'::. point an early interview with both of . them. It won't take me long to find out which of the two I like best, provided - ewery thing is all square and above beard. . And now comes your commission. Yon „ sre to inquire into the family connections ; i and antecedents of Miss Idslia Aotonbell and of Miss Cornelia Bedford. If you hear anything to the disadvantage ; of either, let me know Immediately, for "... there is no time to loae. ' I have been '■ travelling in Australia, and knew no. thine about this will until I arrived in ' /.; London last week. As it only wants a . ' fortnight to Christmas, there iff no time I to lose if my uncle's fortune is to become V ; mine." ? ' AfowmoreinstraotionsMr Mallinger ..-. vouchsafed us, and we at once sent a ; mau to make the necessary investigations. .' Both young ladies lived at Ohiswiok, '.';■. and our man's report oontained nothing ' that was not creditable to them. They were respectively twenty-three and V twenty-four years of age, Mr Mallinger .' being thirty-two. Both were handsome : ;' and accomplished, and, by all aocounts, '*"" in groat favour with the opposite sex. Tois was so far satisfactory. Bat what made us auspicious of the bona-fide nature of the letters these young ladies had sent to Mr Mallinger was the faot that they were cousins. The gentleman, however, was impervious to doubts of his own irresistibility. He scouted the suggestion that the girla were perhaps beat on hoaxing him, for > he argued, a well-built, hendsorngfttever fellow, with twenty thousand pounds in hand, and the immediate prospeot of twenty thousand more, was too good a -oatoh to throw over reoklessly, and the consinship duly proved that the girls had similar tastes. " And, having seen them, I must ad. . mlt," he continued, " that they are both as fine specimens of womankind as ever I have seen. The misobief is, that now I have eeen both of them I am still in tbedark as to whioh of the two to marry. I have laid every proof of my good position and prospects {before them, and they aro both in a great state of exoite* ment at the prospeot of making snob a good match. You think there ig no doubt about their circumstances P " "'None whatever. They! h&ve both inherited money from their maternal grandfather." "Ah, well, £ dnrosay I may take another week to make up my mind. Meanwhile, without committing myself to anything definite, I will visit both girls a few times more. The worst of it is, they are playing for a heavy stake, and aro sure to be ou their beat behaviour. They may be regular vixenß behind one's back." " Our man received a very fayonrable aocount of them. They aro both very generous, and give a great deal to the poor." " Yes, but I don't Intend them* to squander my money in that way. A lot of lazy ragamuffins, that won't work to keep themselves, and then come whining for other folks to help them 1 " " Don't you think, Mr Mallinger, that it would be beat to settle your matrimonial affairs without delay P You are already too late to marry by any other means than a special licence, and if the wedding is postponed until the last niomont, any unexpected hitch might lose your fortune/' 1 •' I think I'm the best judge of what is needed in that respcot, Mr Agent. I am able to manage my part of the business very well. As you seem to have done all that wan needed in jo^r lino} I will pay you noir' and part — " company." <3f-'—-Nothing loth t? hare done with snob, a conceited and overbearing specimen of humanity, I promptly made out hji small accot)at,'and oaw the Iqst qf hint a few minutes later. But although I have nover seen him since, I bavo heard of him, for bis name was oonspiooonsly prominent iu the papers shortly after this. Missßedford and Miss Aotonbell were, it seems, very fond of fan and frolic, [ aod, in the opinion of Mrs Grundy, now and «R»in bad a narrow escape of over, stopping tho boundaries of propriety. But we all know that Mrs Grundy is too severe at times, and though I cannot say that I would like anyone belonging to me to get mixed up in a matrimonial hoax, I always t nought that the notoriety which theae two girls achieved was a somewhat greater puniahment than they deserved, especially as they were not responsible for the outrage committed upon Mr jdnliinger. At the beginning of December the consins attended a party, and during the oourse of the evening a considerable amount of ohaff was exchanged between , the gayest spirits preseut. AMr Fairfax had been treated rather cavalierly by a young lady who was foud of flirting, n:'d'Mis3 Bedford was trying to exouao her friend. " I assure you, Mr Fairfax," she said, laughingly, " it isn't the fault of girls that you follows insist on proposing too soon. So many men aro so confident of s success that they never dream 'of the possibility of refusal. Ajid it doesn't hurt tbetn to be refused.' I've had no nud of proposals, and 1 dare say all the follows are glad they got someone else instoad. It's tbo fashion to take these things easily nowadays. Why, I bet you two to one in gloves that I have a proposal before the month is out from sjniobody I hnvo never seen." " "Dooel"exolaiined Fairfas. "Yon are voiy ohnrming, you knew, but hardly do bewitohitigasalltbat. But how shall I be suro that the proposal has been a . genuine one, if you claim to winP" " Well, you must take my word for it, and Jdalia's. And perhaps I'll let you see Jba man. Certainly I'll own np honest, if I lose." „ And ss the result of tJi'a som«wh.»j

ut'ju^lifioVilo brt, Miss Bedford benehl a umirinionial jiapur, oud answered Mi Mallinger'a advertisement, taking hor cousin fully into her confidence. Tho latter, by way of having »oma extra fnn on her own acoount, also wrt.tsto the advertiser, requesting full particulars. Had they not been lnre.bralned msdoops, they would hardly have been so U 1 conventional as to Kubmit their teal names and addresses to an utter strangir. True, they meant to refuse lilm in tl.o end, and it did not seem to striko th^m that there was something not qcitfl honourable in suoh a joke as they had entered into. An we have eeen, Mr Mailings waß an easy victim. After two or throe visits, by appointment, to each of the consinp, he snrrendcred to the obarmsof Miss Bedford, and informed her that he had decided to marry her. "And you must mule your preparations quicltly," bo continued, with an attempt at a caress, whioh was promptly repulsed. "The weddioe must take place this week, for I shall lose a heap of money if I am not married by Christmas. Which day shall we »bt ? " "I can't decide such an important matter in a huTry," said Mise Bedford, rather wmfused, now that tho morneDt for whioh she had schemed bad arrived. MWM again this tiveninsr, and I will give yon a definite answer." Mr Mallin?ar thonaht this reply merely a foolish affectation of coyness at an ill-ohosen moment, and was anything botpleased to be even temporarily rebuffed. Indeed, ho was so annoyed, that bo resolved straightway to transfer the offer of his hand and fortune to Miss Actonbell. An honr later he informed that young lady of the great good fortnno he had in utoro for her. Tim time tho answer lie got made his amazement exceed hiß wrath, for ho w*s treated to an uoiquivooal refusal. MUs Actoubell -aliened that she bad noticed a preference on his part for her cousin, and had given up all thoughts of receiving an offer from him. "But I have made you an offer," said Mr Mallioßer, " Therefore all doubts as to any preference are at an eod." " I suppose so," s»id tho lady. " But somehow I don't like yeu quite bo well as I thought I sbou'd have done from yenr description in tlte Matrimonial Advertiser, I am quite comeioos of the grtat honour yon do me, but prefer to remain sinjjlo at ptrtont." The lejioted suitor did not vouchsafe Miss Actonbell another word, but strode o»t of the house in high dudgeon. WbsMie' (hough l of a woman who was foolish enoußh to rejict biuvelf is not recorded, but we may safely tek* it for granted that he was sufferiitK from a considerable shook to his vanity. At six o'clock that evening he pretented himself at Mits Bedford's residence, to receive the answer whioh was now of considerable moment to him, tince the other stool upon whioh ho had relied with suoh confidence was no longer | at his disposal. He looked anyth'ng bat pleased to see Miss Aotonbell and levoral other voung people here, among 'them being a few men, whoao proximity teemed, by force of contrast, to impart a somewhat coarte flavour to his own boasted borly beauty. No opportunity was given biro (o make auy direct enquiry of Miss Bedford, raUt.vo to tbo errand he had cone npou. In fad, there was a son thorod sntagonum in the girl's, mauoeirwhiou should have warned the tifyn thit h > was treading on dangerous griund. After he had been kept in suspense for abmi h»lf-an-licur, Miss Bedford placed a note in his liatd, worded as follows : — "Mr Mallinger, " My cousin tells roe that after proposing marriage to me. this afternoon, you actually went straight to her rosidtnee, and asked her to marry Ton. I do not quite know what yon mean by acting bo dishonourably, bat I have quite made op my mind that upon no consideration would I marry a roan who teems to haro Brighamistio notions.— Yours trnly, "Counema Bedfobd." Mr Mallinger bad no sooner read this note than he jumped to his feet, and, regardless of the presenco of others, denounced the two cousins ss scheming, . impudent cheats, who had been plotting all the time to make a fool of a stranger. Then be left the bouse, without noticing that ivo of the young gentlemen followed ctoteW at his beel». An for the girls, it Is doubtful if the strong words to which they had been treated did not make them somewhat ashamed of themselves. But their visitors teemed only to think that Mr Mallinger deserved pnnisbment for pro. posing to one girl while tho answer from the other was still pending, and for hia nngenllemanly behaviour when he rooeived bis refusal. Of course it was decided that Miss Bedford bad won her wager, but it is also a fact that she won tbe disapprobation of a gre»t many pfople who tee nothing ladylike about matrimonial hoaxes. The two men who followed Mr Mallinger watched him to a somowbat lonely part of the road, and then belaboured , him loondly with a couple of light canes • they carried. So intent were, (hey upon < tbia punishment, that thoy failed to notice approaching footsteps until one of them wat seized by the collar, and treated to a taste of someone else's cane , in turn. The new-oomer was ronsed to .notion by feeing that it wm a case of two to one. Mr IHnllmger now found himself able to tackle hi* repairing; assailant, tod «rutll-round fight^niued, at the cod of which everybody was con- . sfderably the worse for wear. Thero Wat subsequently a police-court investigation, at whioh all tbo facts of the case leaked out, muoh to the ohagrin of a great many people. Tho two assailants, one of whom was Fairfax, were fined for assault and battery, and will no doubt be careful how they mix themselves up in such a cafe ogaln. Tbo man who had thus opportunely come to flJallinßcr's rescue provn to be a pomtnerpial traveller who had, while havi( g bnsloefiß in the distript, been visiting some friends who lived near. Tb.c two men found it quite- r'ltursl to fraternise, and M.ullinger c. dfided the whole of his story to the cuuinieroia), whose name was J3inkley. " The worst of it is, 1 ' ho said, gloomily, " while I have boon dallying with these barefaced Impostors, the time has been flying, and I have only three days left in which to find a suitable wifo and get married, if I am to secure my uncle's twenty thousand ponuda." •' Why, d»»h roe 1 " exclaimed Binkley, "if I don't think my Mster Laura and you are cut out for each other. Sbe is •claver and good-tempered, and tbere Isn't a better- looking girl in England, ghe is twenty-fivo, and heartwhoie, for clip slwayß said that she wen intended for a lofiy , and wouldn't look at tv poor man. She has only one drawback— ghe's got no money." "Never mind the money," criod Mallinger. "If everything else is all Tfcbf, and she'll have me, we'll strike a bargain. Where does Bhe live 1 " "At Derby. If we hurry up to King's Cross at once, we can catch a trsin thai will enable ns to reach our houne befort bedtime. I'll telegraph that I am on my way, with n friend, and then thej «UI iiftve a decent supper ready for us ? ' With thoso proposals Mr Mailings] ngrecd,and ho time was lost in reechinp Derby, Tbe contemplated matrimonia Arrangement was evidently satkfaolorj to both partips, for tho weddlug carni bif on Christmas Evo. ' Tbe MilliDi»cn nettled down at Derby, and lived ft Brent style. I huve heard that tbi husband is very proud qf his clever 1 handsome wife, aod that, Tfrifil by he smhitlpp, he is a candidate for Pariia pentsiy honors, Contrftty to hjs owi

; expectation, ho is very steady uiid oir- ■ enruspect, neing kept in due su> j^ctioo • by » wifo who knows exactly how to , mani((e a man of his disposition. Tho , lody eho maintains that Uuclo Ben'B i £20,1 00 U more hers than hoc bustand'f, einre lie nuarly lost it through dallyim: vi'h two stoulu, and only secured it it tho last moment bernm-n sho took pity upon him, und inariied him WHAT PEOPLE SAY. Mrs M. L Morgan. Clifton, Aiutapc, AuoKiiAjfD, N Z,, uudor data 23rd January, 1892, v> ritvs : - D-J»r Sir— Sutue two yearß ago, having previously enjoyed fairly guoJ health, I Iras taken seriously ill, nnd found it vory difficult to «ot relief. At flist I treated myself, thinking that I should soon be well again ; but my illness crow upon me and I was completely prostrated and nnablo to do anything. , I sought medioal advice lrom our local doctor, and lie pre»cribed for me. My ailment was described ns black jaundioo and gall-stones, and at times 1 suffered much pain. Our doctor's treatment did not no me muoh jrorfi, «a the nttsckt woro frequent and very severe. Some mouths passed, and I felt timt I was becoming hopelessly ill. My friends wero shocked ftt my sallow and changed appearance, ni.d raoro thau one has told me since that they nevor expected to sue me well umi'u. I went to Auoklai d for ahnnce of an? and Bcene, sud to seek furtiier medical aiivioo, I got it, and foe a limn *<>(<ine(l to improvo, the ouango i-vldintly rloitig. me Rood; but it was not tonic onotißh, for after a week or >o I was a^niu laid up. All tbe medical aiivice I (zot in Auckland seemed un&va'Htg, und I returned home with very litllo to liopo for. lTere I Buffered sevcial attacks, and bad to ley up repeatedly. My huebtod had a veiy poor opinion of patent medicines, but seeing Clements Tonic advertised 83 of suob (vonaerfui tffeot in serious cases, und being quits at a loss to suggest noy other untried remedy, ho brought mo home a bollle, and we determined to try it. At the same time wo resolved to say nothing of the medicine we wcro using until fully Bulifcfiod of its effects. The finil done did me good, and I imniond rapidly. Friends who would not luve becu surprised to hear of mj death wero really astonished at my rapid recovery. I wan soou ha islitd as to tho value of Clements Tonic, and gladly recommur.drd it to others, and so did my hutbanJ. Tho storekeeper spoke to him ouo day, and asked him if lie hud been rfccommeudiuß Clements Tonic, for he was &lni<>et sold out, and bad only ono bottle left. " Give it to n.e," eaii my husband j " I wouldn't be without it for anything." Bv tbe time I liftd taken one bottlfl I was able to Ret abi.ut my work ag%in. Friends thought the improvement only temporary, and expicted to eco me prostrated again, but I am thankful to •ay thai such hua not been the o&bo. Every dose did its work, aud after a fortnight I only took one dofco a day, in the taily oiornidg, I have used only three bottles, and have tbe fourth in t'uc house. Ido not take it regularly, bu< fly to it on tbe )e»st symptom or anything being wrong, and I have many limes proved it to bo a good preventive of returning sickness. It is now eight or nine mouths ainca I recovered, and Clements Tonlo has kept mo in Rood health all through, I can again get on with my house and dairy work with comfort and pWture. I am pleased to be able to recommend Olernenls Tonic, for I have found it a true friend, and am convinced that it will give health to many now juffufing if they will only give it a trial.— l am, Sir, jourß gratefully, M. L. MORGAN.