Numorist.

Hawke's Bay Herald, Volume XXIV, Issue 8521, 16 November 1889, Page 5

Numorist.

ODDS AND ENDS.

The difference between the labouring man and the labour orator is great. One of them works for a living. It takes a man with a pretty strong constitution to rise with the lark after being out on one all night. Insulted gentleman: "You are indebted to my cowardice, you young scoundrel, that I don't knock you down." The connecting link between man and the brute is about as well illustrated by ii prize-fight as by anything elso. It tikes only two to make a bargain, but the small brother under the sofa sometimes turns out to be a usoful wit iks*. Wif;: "Did your friend Jack congratulute you on the birth of our child V Hualmnd : "No. He sympathised with me, though." " I do love dress," excl.iimed a young society bells. "Then I should think you would wear more of it," replied a cynical bachelor. I The most attentive man to business we ever knew was he who wroto on his shop door : "Gone to bury my wifo; return in lialf-an-hour." First physician : " DiJ you succeed with that last patient of yours P" Second physiean : "No, he got well ; the druggist filled the wrong prescription." The negroes who read in the Neio YorkSun an article headed " Old Masters at Auction " think the tables have been turned since the days of Uncle Tom. Miss Charity : "Is your husband addicted to the U9O of alcoholic stimulants?". Recipient of alms: "No, indade, mum, not he ; his only failin' is drinkin'." A lady asked Mr Jekyll what was " the difference between a solicitor and an attorney." " Procisely the same," he answered, "as between a crocodile and an alligator." "Were you ever in an engagement 1" inquired aa innocent rustic of a militiaman. " Yes, one," replied the aon of Mara ; " but she sued me for breach of promise." The little daughter of an American gentleman who has been spending some years in the Cnlestial country writes home to her friends that she has learned to speak " broken China." If we were to choos9 the most appropriate symbol of the fleeting, the ■ evanescent, the perishable, the decaying, ! the kere-to-day-and-gone-to-moriw, perhaps it would be a pair of boy's i shoes, i A lady with a very inharmonious voice : attempted to sing a piece called " The Tempeat." A sea captain present remarked to a friend : " Don't be alarmed ; it is not a tempest ; it's merely a squall, and will soon be over." Magistrate ; "So you insist that you took the chickens only as a joke. How far did you take them?" Prisoner: " Why, yer wuaship, I jußt carried 'cm ; home— about a mile." Judge: "Well, that's carrying a joke too far. You'll have thirty dayß." Two friends are convening. " Take my advice and gat married." " I have a horror of perpetual slavery." " Ah, my dear boy, if you could only find a wife like mme — so good, so kind, so affectionate, so devoted !" " Well, then, I'll wait till she's a widow." A now England graveyard, the Boston Transcript slates, conta ! ns a group of seven tombstones. Six mark the graves of the wives of one man. The sovonth is that of " Bluebeard " himself, and contains thesimple, but moat appropriate j i epitaph, " Rest, weary pilgrim.' 1 . ' Old Mrs Beutly : " Did ye hear how : Deacon Brown is gettin' on ?" Old Mr ! Bently : "I heerd he took a relapse this mornin'." Old Mrs Bently (with a ] sigh) : "Well, I hope it'll do the poor ' soul good, but I hain't much faith in them new-fangled medicines." To Darken Okey Haie. — Lookyer's Sulpur Hair Restorer is the quickest best fasest, andcheapest. — Large bottles Is. G4 Everywhere A very bright three-year-old girl in a Cambridge kindergarten whs seleotod to "show off" the merits of the school, even for mere babes, to a party cf vitdtors, and was asked to count. She reflected credit on her home by doing it as follows : — " One, two, three, four, five, aix, seven, eight, nine, ten, jack, queen, king !" i A Fair, Beautiful Skin.— Sulphoic of Soap gives the natural tint and peach-like Bloom of a perfect complexion, makes the Skin smooth, supple, healthy, comfortable. — 6d. Tablets. Kvervwhere Bishop (who has been assisting at a recent Lambeth conference): "I am opposed to sport because I think it leads to racing and gambling. By the way, could you suggest anything that would be likely to stop the clergy in your neighbourhood hunting to cscess ?" Hunting man : " Yes, my lord. Good hard frost." To Overcome Weakness. — Peppers Quinine and Iron Tonic gives New Life, Appetite, Health, Strength, and Energy, cures Indigestion, Nervous Debility, and Neuralgia. — Half-crown bottles. Everywhere. Insist on having Pepper'?. Two poets meet, and the following conversation ensues:— "Ha! how are you, old boyP And how ia the verse market these days?" "1 have ceased to write poetry." "You have P" "Yes; I have gone into the furniture busineas." "The furniture business ?" "Yea." "Aud have you sold any P" "Yes ; I have sold my own."