CAPTAIN STEEL'S DILEMMA.

Hawke's Bay Herald, Volume 13, Issue 1028, 6 March 1869, Page 4

CAPTAIN STEEL'S DILEMMA.

A STOEY OP THE BRITISH VOLUNTEER FORCE. (From 'Chamber's Journal,') There are none of us (the present Reader of course excepted), however charming and irresistible, without our faults. My hero, Capt. Hippolyte Steel, adjutant of the Royal Blankshire Volunteers, was not the first person recorded in history whose otherwise unexceptionable character was marred by a defect. He was good-looking and patriotic, courageous and genteel ; he had four hundred a year of his own in land ; never Btnoked tobacco ; was a bonajide member of j the Church of England, and the best shot in his. regiment — but he was not Punctual. There was the rub. He had indeed a conventional respect for Time, just as men of fashion have for Women, but his behaviour towards the same was abominable. In drill, it is true, he made his men keep time ; but we all know how easy it is to correct the faults of others. He never kept it himself: I think I may really say never. Of course, there is a great deal of rubbish talked about the value of time. Commercial gentlemen, who pull out their watches, and mutter " Tut, tut," when the omnibus stops at the corner, do not impose upon the world so much as they hope to do. We are well aware it is not really a vital matter whether they begin reading the newspaper at their office at ten precisely or at 10*15. The City would not collapse if they were even an hour late, nor (between- ourselves) would it be of much consequence even to them. They are a set of humbugs as respects the importance of their every moment ; it is one of the engines that they employ to persuade the public of the gigantic character of their operations. As though one day was not just as good as another for making money { Lawyers also make a great deal of fuss about the value of their time, but with better reason ; for they charge folks not for "wfiat they do for them, so much as for the time they take in doing it ; which is one reason, among many, why lawsuits are so prolonged. It is to the credit of the other professions that they do not boast themselves in this particular ; for although the clergy are emphatic about the value of time, it is not upon mere Time's account, but on the relation which, it bears to Eternity. They may make vital questions out of many foolish things, but I never heard of their attaching supreme importance to their sermons beginning exactly as the clock strikes twelve ; while, as to ending them at any particular time, I have generally noticed their congregations to be more solicitous about that than themselves. I have written this much to shew that I am not myself a blind devotee of Time, and therefore apt to j udge Captain Hippolyte Steel with harshness. I have no personal feeling in the matter whatever : Hippolyte's prospects were blighted by a circumstance which, at first sight, seemed to reflect credit upon him. The Newmans of Eaton Place once waited twenty-five minutes for him, and got their turbot spoiled. This, of itself, only showed that the Newmans, being parvenus, were ready to abase themselves before the heir-presumptive of a baronetcy 5 but old Bullion, the banker, unhappily for Hippolyte, was also of the party, and not J at all inclined to abase himself. I heard what he muttered over that fish in rags, but Ido not venture to repeat it. When the poor unconscious captain, drawing his chair towards him in a friendly manner at dessert, inquired : " And how is Miss Margaret, sir, to-day ?" he replied : " And what the devil is that to you, sir ?" Margaret Bullion being the banker's only daughter and heiress, who bad been hitherto understood to be the fiancee of the gallant adjutant of Volunteers. Never was unpunctuality so punished. "Am /to be kept waiting, and get my turbot spoiled, because this son of a baronet chooses to dawdle P" was all that the remonstrances of Margaret and her Bridemaids (elect) could for weeks elicit from the old gentleman. At last, when she insisted with tears: "But he will never, never be late again, papa," he was so far mollified as to permit the courtship to be renewed upon that basis. "lam a plain business-man, sir," remarked he to the captain, " and have always met my engagements to the day. It : is as easy to be in time as to be after it ; and if you cannot conquer a bad habit, you are not the sort of person I wish to see married to my daughter. You understand, therefore, that if you aspire to be her husband, you will not be late again for any important matter such as dinner, and least of all when I am one of the company." Captain Steel was proud, but he also doted upon Margaret, and he swallowed his resentment, and submitted. He only lived for her and the Volunteer Force. There was, of course, no pecuniary necessity for his undertaking tho duties of an adjutant ; but he liked the work, and did it •well. He was always too late, of course ; but when he once begun, he made up for lost time. His men adored him, and he would put himself to any inconvenience — short of being in time — to serve them. He had a rifle-butt erected in his own grounds, so that those to whom it was nearer than where the regimental target stood, might come and practise there. There was a shot-proof house for the marker upon one side of it, and all complete. The time for Hippolyte's marriage was drawing very near, and it was not his intention to be late for that, I promise you. In■deed, since that edict of his future father-in-law, he had much improved in respect to punctuality, as I can certify, who happened to be staying with him during those last bachelor days. However late at night we played billiards, Hippolyte was always "to the fore" at breakfast time : and the cook ■was quite astonished to find Master always at home when the second bell rang. Upon a certain day, we were engaged to dine with the Bullions at their country-seat in the neighbourhood. I could hardly prevent Hippolyte from driving over there immediately after lunch, so as to be positively sure to be in time; but I represented to him thai; would only look as if he had no confidence in himself. lie would seem like an habitual drunkard, who dares not be merely moderate, but is obliged to take the pledge. If . we; started at six, we should still have a full quarter of/ an hour to spare. 'At fouif o'clock, Hippolyte had put on his gyMvag plbthes^ in which he looked remarfeably well ; but still, as I observed, it ; ]ps. ; 'i .premature proceeding. "Never min<j, M : sftidliej "I feel safe in these. I

sha'nt have to dress, incase any thing should j happen to delay us." j It was quite touching to see his anxiety and desire to amend. " When I have once got her," said he (referring to his Beloved Object), "I'll snap my fingers at Old Bullion, and njake a point of never being in time for anything." At half-past four, who should ride up on that speedy "weed'" of his but Mr. Nolan O'Shaughnessy, of the Royal Blankshire Volunteers, one of those Irish gentlemen to be found in every corps, about whom nobody knows anything, except that there they are ? He was sorry to intrude ; but he had been accidentally shut out of the regimental competition Jast week, and was exceedingly anxious to get into Class 2. It was competent for the adjutant to admit him, if he should succeed in satisfying him of his efficiency, which half an hour's practice at the target would suffice to do. "I doubt that, my good fellow," said Hippolyte " for your shooting used to be rather wild ; but I can just spare you half an hour." So we went out to the butt, O'Shaughnessy leading his thorough-bred, and tethering that attenuated animal to a neighbouring gate. He had characteristically omitted to bring his ammunition with him, which the adjutant had to supply. When Steel and I had shut ourselves up in the marker's box, which was quite an arbour-like little edifice of tuvf, with its one aperture close to the target, I remarked to my companion, that our friend from the Emerald Isle had rather an undisciplined appearance. " He's as mad as a March hare," said he, " and knows about as much about shooting. He will never get into the Second Class as long as he lives ; only one does not like to seem ill-natured. We shall never have to use the green flag, for he never made a bull's eye in the course of his existence, and I very much doubt if he will ever make " an outer " " " What's that ?" cried I, as a dull thud on one side of our turf-hut followed the discharge of his first shot. " Oh, he's hit our bult instead of the target, that's all," returned Hippolyte coolly. "It's quite shot proof; never fear." " But he must be a lunatic," remonstrated I. . " Why do you let him shoot at all ?" " I can't stop him. — By Jove ! how quick he fires ; but it will be all the sooner over. —Stop a bit; you mustn't distract an adjutant's attention.— -I don't know whether that was a hit or not ; I must go out and see. — I suppose he knows that the red flag means Stop Firing." Hippolyte put out the signal in question, waved it in the usual manner, and then stepped out himself. An instant afterwards, there was a sharp crack, and then a bullet whizzed within half an inch of his left ear. "Goodness gracious," cried Hippolyte, hastily re-entering his ark of safety ; " that blackguard nearly shot me. It shews he had no malice prepense, or else he would not have been so near. But the idea of his disregarding the red flag! Confound his ignorance, I'll have him drummed out of the corps." All this time, quite a storm of bullets was hurtling about our ears. If rapid firing, altogether independent of aim, could have insured Mr. O'Shaughnessy's promotion, he would already have been in the Second Class. Not a single bullet, how- | ever, hit the target. At this moment, a terrible incident occurred : out of the thymy moss-clad seat on which we sat, there flew an enormous insect with an appalling boom, and began to circle around us. lam not well acquainted with the entomology of the country, and I concluded it to be only a bumble-bee. But I noticed Hippolyte turn pale, and wave the red flag with frantic excitement. At this moment, another bumble-bee flew out, and joined the mazy circles of its predecessors, " What a noise these bumble-bees make," said I, " in this confined space ; and I don't think I ever saw such big ones." " Hush ! " said Hippolyte. "Do not enrage them ; they are hornets. I have no doubt that we are sitting upon a nest of them !" Imagine our position, in a diminutive sentry-box, five feet high by tour feet wide, tenanted by hornets, and the only means of egress exposed to the murderous fire of a madman. "If this reptile stings my nose, it will be double its size in half a minute," said Hippolyte, with the calmness of despair. I knew the poor fellow was thinking of how he could present himself in such a condition to his Beloved Object. A lady's lip is none the worse, as the poet tells us, if it does look as though. " a bee had stung it newly ;" but the case is widely different in respect to a gentleman's nose and a hornet. Still, the gallant captain did not lose his presence of mind. "If you can find the little hole from which these infernal villains escaped," said he, " stop it quietly up with your finger, or anything." " Not with my finger, if I know it," returned I, endeavouring to pacify the hornet that was devoting itself to me by blowing gently at it ; " but I will try the handle of my penknife." This brilliant idea was executed with, the most complete success. There was a noise as of about twelve church organs in the seat beneath us, but it was muffled. The penknife exactly fitted. Agitated, I have no doubt, by the stifled voices of their relatives, the two outside hornets whizzed about us like catherine-wheels. We dared not move a muscle, except that Hippolyte kept on waving the red flag, which only seemed to have the same effect upon O'Shaughnessy as on some savage bull — namely to excite him to frenzy. He appeared to fire twenty shots a minute, and all wide ones. "How many cartridges has the villain got ?" inquired I. "Enough for a twelvemonth," groaned the adjutant. " They have put the regimental chest under the walnut tree. — What time is it ? If this unutterable idiot does get me late for dinner, I'll wring his neck." With the utmost caution, and with an apologetic glance at my hornet, I drew forth my watch. "We have no time to lose," said I. "We have already been here half an hour, and indeed it seems half a day." " I'll chance it," cried Hippolyte, setting his teeth, and gathering himself together for a rush. " You will be adead man," said I, if " you do. Think of your Margaret, and don't leave a poor fellow alone in this horrid place with a couple of hornets. See, that scoundrel has already put three bullets

through the red flag. If you had been there, they would have gone through you instead." The argument was unanswerable ; Hippolyte gnashed his teeth in impotent rage. "I am sure," said I, soothingly, "when old Bullion comes to understand the very peculiar circamstances of our position, he will perceive that punctuality was out of the question. This unmitigated scoundrel, O'Shaughnessy " "Arrah, captain jewel, and ain't I in Class 2 by this time ?" ejaculated a querulous voice, and at the aperture of our prison house appeared the hateful features of our jailer, distorted by an adulatory grin. To throw the red flag in his face, to leap out of the marker's butt, and fly towards the gate at which the speedy " weed" was tethered, was but the work of a moment ; and the next, Captain Steel was flying across the country in full evening dress, in the direction of his dinner. As for me, before O'Shaughnessy could recover from his amazement, I had jerked the penknife out of the hole, and was running homeward at full speed, leaving that gallant Volunteer surrounded by such a host of infuriated hornets that they seemed to darken the air. So Captain and AdjutantHippolyte Steel was in time for dinner and for Margaret, after all.