HOW I LOST MY WHISKERS.

Hawke's Bay Herald, Volume 11, Issue 833, 9 March 1867, Page 3

HOW I LOST MY WHISKERS.

(From the Christmas number of ' London Society,') CHAPTER I. Do you object to smoking, sir ? This I asked in my blandest manner of an old gentleman who sat, with his face hidden by a newspaper, opposite to me in a railway carriage. All the seats in the carriage were filled ; I and four others were on our way from Cambridge to enjoy the Christmas vacation. Our spirits were high, for there is a delight in banishing for a time all thoughts of conic sections, Newton's 'Principia,'and the littlego, and entertaining, in exchange, visions of ' hops, 1 skating parties, and all the orgies which every right-minded family hold at this season in honour of King Christmas. But I must introduce you to my chums, for chums we were, although our tastes .lid not all lie in the same direction. Jack Stirrup is (or rather was at that period) a riding and hunting man, and was not unfrequently to be seen at Newmarket ; Stretcher, on the other hand, loved boating, and preferred the sight of a well-developed biceps to that of the best bred hunter, and would often remark to Jack, 'Plow on earth you can say that you would rather see the "Two Thousand" than the "Time-race" in the " Colquhoun Sculls," I cannot for the life of me make out.' Edwards was a poor and reading man, but whose wit and talents rendered him a universal favourite ; whilst Davies was a rich, npen -handed, good-heart-ed fellow as ever live \ V;/: wr/ own part, I do not think I had any well-defined peculiarity, but did a little of everything. I read a little, rowed a little, hunted a little, had a fair income — in short, if I had any characteristic at all, it was a love of laziness and practical jokes. We congratulated ourselves in getting a carriage to ourselves (with the exception of the old gentleman I have named), for we intended to keep out the cold, and beguile our journey with sundry pipes and cigars. We had our cases out, and were preparing to light up, as a matter of course, when we were astonished by my viS'd-vis dashing away the newspaper which had hidden his face. 'Do I object to smoking? Yes, sir, I do object ! I object very strongly, sir ! and beg that you will instantly replace your cigars in your pockets. I insist on having no smoking in this carriage 1' We looked aghast at this sudden burst of old-gentlemanly wrath. ' Might I ask if you intend travelling far on this line, sir ?' inquired Edwards, in his comically-polite tone. ' What is that to you, sir ? What business is it of yours where I am going to?' ' I merely wished to suggest, in case of jour travelling far, that, pleasing and delightful as it would be for us to enjoy your agreeable society, yet, nevertheless, we would try to bear the loss, should you prefer to change carriages at the next station.' ' No doubt you would wish to get rid of me ; but no, Sir ! I do not move my seat, and the first one that smokes I report to the guard.' 'In that case, I fear we shall be obliged, painful though it be, to tear ourselves away,' I said, as we drew up at a small station. Fortunately we found the next compartment empty, and as we started again we pulled out our cigar-cases, this time to light their contents. ' The old boy has certainly got out of bed the wrong side this morning,' said I, puffing away. 'Or has made a mistake in his bettingbook,' remarked my sporting friend. * We'll give him a benefit now, at any rate ; I vote we take it in turns to puff smoke through the lamp-hole. Let's look at him; ha! cooled dowri a little, is about to compose himself to sleep. I'll trouble you for his nightcap ; come and look at it, Fred.' I did so, and roared on seeing a red, woven cap of conical shape, which added very considerably to the irascity of the wearer's features. With perseverance which deserved a better cause, we each made a tube of paper, and putting the end through the lamp-hole, took our turn at ' smoking him out ;' and I blush as I now think how heartily we enjoyed the enraged state in which he paced up and down the empty eai'riage, like a caged tiger. The next time we stopped, however, the guard put his head into our carriage window and said, with a wink—

' Gentl'm in next compartment complains of your smoking, sir.' ' Smoking !' we exclaimed, with mock indignation. 'Do we look as though we'd been smoking ? What nonsense !' and added in a mysterious manner, ' You see there's one vacant seat ; of course we're not going to tell tales of the man who occupied that.' ' All right ! said the guard, laughing, ' I wasn't born yesterday.' And after a slightly confidential transaction of a pecuniary nature, left us in peace. The snow, which had been falling heavily all day, now lay thick all around. Our eyes ached again, as we looked out of the window (which was itself all frosted over), on the dazzling snow which covered all -the landscape ; and as we stamped our feet on the floor of the carriage, we began heartily to wish ourselves at our journey's end, and by the fireside. ' Halloo ! what are we stopping for now ? I wonder whether we're going to do an upset, or anything exciting of that kind,' said Davies, looking out of the window. ' I don't see a train anywhere that we can have a friendly collision with.' ' Get out here, gentlemen, said the guard, passing the window; 'the line is snowed up, and we shall have to wait till it is clear.' The grumbling which this pleasant announcement caused was immediately stopped by our hearing the voice of our disagreeable companion in the next compartment, 'Line snowed up, is it?' said that gentleman, trying to appear calm in his fury, ' and we get out here ? Oh ! and do you suppose I am quietly going to submit to this ? The line ought to have been cleared ready for us. I shall bring an action.' ' But sir !' I said, ' how oh earth could they ' ' Might I request to know who spoke to you, sir ? I consider your remark and interference excessive impertinence.' This was a little too bad, and I turned to Jack and whispered that we would devise some plan of giving our friend a lesson demonstrative of the evils attending bad temper at Christmas time. We were fortunately stopped at a distance of only two hundred yards from a j station ; but a very poor station it was, I without any waiting-room or refreshment < rooms. The station-master, who was a pleasant sort of fellow, said we should have to wait but a couple of hours, and gave us a room, where we made the best of a bad job, and having sent for some beer from the nearest ' public,' became, as Edwards mathematically observed, approximately happy. The old gentleman, however, had not yet vented all his wrath, but kept on anathematizing the snow and the railway people at intervals. After we had warmed ourselves, Stretcher proposed that we should have some songs ; but as no one volunteered, I suggested that we should get on our way sooner if we all went out and helped to clear away the snow from the line. To this all agreed (with the exception of our amiable friend, of course). We had worked away merrily for about an hour, and were congratulating ourselves on being able to start again, when Jack came running up with a very pleased expression of countenance, and as he tapped me on the shoulder, I remembered that he had not been with us for the last half-hour. ' Fred,' he said ' I've an idea.' ' Keep it then,' I replied, ' for it is so rare a commodity with you, that I would not deprive you of it for the world,' • Don't chaff, and I'll tell you all about it. I went up into the room at the station just now, and found our friend, the old boy, fast asleep in his chair, completely collapsed under the soporific effects of the fire, and a glass of brandy-and- water. I immediately ran into the village and bought these,' he said, showing me a handful of screws, a , gimlet, and a screw-driver. ' What in the name of everything ridiculous do you want these for ?' I asked. 1 Don't you see ? we shall be able to start again directly, now that the line is clear ; we meanwhile run up stairs, and screw the old gentleman firmly into the room — the train goes on — we are revenged for his | surly behaviour to us, and he will then learn that " old gentlemen should not be ill-tempered at Christmas time." ' ' Capital !' I said, always ready to fall in with a practical joke ; ' let us be oft at once.' We certainly found the old gentleman in as Morphean a torpor as we could wish. His feet were propped up on a chair, whilst his boots were drying, and he was breathing with his mouth wide open, in a rather apoplectic manner. ' Shall I put a snowball into each of his boots ?' I said. 'No ! that would be too much of a good thing, but I'll tell you what you shall do ; you're rather a swell at drawing aren't you? I'll just burn the end of that beer-bottle cork, and you shall artistically adorn his face.' ' That is sjdendid,' he whispered, as I finished off with giving him a moustache, which turned up in a facetious manner. ' Just move that looking-glass, and put it so that he may admire himself directly he wakes ; and now let us be off.' AYe walked on tiptoe to the door. The hinges began to creak ; and cold as the weather was, a faint perspiration began to develop itself on my forehead, as I noticed the old gentleman move in his chair ; it was, however, only to turn his head on to the other shoulder, and we closed the door in safety. ' Give me the screws quick," I said, ' and go to the bottom of the stairs and prevent j any one coming up.' I bored hole after hole as noiselessly as I could, and having made the door as fast as eight good screws would make it, I ran down stairs and whispered ' All right !' 'Is there a gentleman up-stairs, sir ?' said the station-master, walking towards us. ' He asked me to wake him in time for the train, and it is just ready to go.' ' Oh ! he won't like to be disturbed till the last moment, you may be sure,' said Jack. 'By-the-by, I wished to talk to you of a plan by which I think your station might be much improved.' Now architecture happened to be one of the station-master's hobbies, and they were soon deep in discussion. I beat a hasty retreat to the guard, and producing a sovereign, said— 'If you get us off in five minutes, from now, waiting for no one, and ring your bell at the very last minute, this is yours.' 'AH right, sir ! the luggage is all in, and most of the passengers. Take your seats. Going on J' he shouted, whilst I stood with my watch in hand.

I * One minute left !' Ring tlie TbelThbw -JV- ?• I said; 'If they undo those screws ; in onejv or even five minutes, I'll eat them.' . - We jumped into a carriage, the guard gave the final whistle, and the train moved slowly on. We anxiously watched the re- , suit of our plot, with our heads out of window. After waiting one or two minutes, we noticed a figure gesticulating at the sta-: tion window. The train then passed into a deep cutting, and we lost sight of it. ■:•''•' CHAPTER 11. ' I think I have forgotton to say that I was going to spend the Christmas with a college friend. He bad gone down a few days before, and had promised to meet me at C station. You may imagine that I was not sorry to find myself arrived there, not yet to see my friend Tom stamping his feet on the platform, no doubt thoroughly tired of -waiting for the train. As he drove me up, he began talking of the different arrangements he had made for our mutual amusement. ' Tomorrow,' he said, ' I've set aside for a skating party ; I have had the pond in the park swept, and invited all "les jeunes demoiselles" within reach, and as they have all accepted, it will give you a very fair idea of our " native" beauty.' Now, of all jolly things in the world, I think a skating party is the jolliest. Tom says that I am fond of showing my skating off; Tout I deny that this has anything to do with it. In the first place, the frosty weather (and the mulled claret) induce high spirits ; — then there are the tumbles to laugh at, and the ladies' skates to strap on (which last, in my own mind, is not the least pleasant part of the entertainment). We had by this time reached the house, and, after having accomplished our toilettes, Tom took me into the drawing-room. ' The guvnor isn't at home ; but let me introduce you to my Bister Minnie.' Miss Minnie rose, and held out her hand at once, but, for my own part, I was too dumfoundecl to utter a single word. lam told that I am far from eloquent when describing female beauty, so I will not attempt it here ; but I must say that I had never, and have never since, seen such a pretty and merry face. When dinner was announced, however, I had recovered my equanimity sufficiently to offer her my arm, and after a short time we got to know one another thoroughly. The dinner (perhaps it may have been the port wine) had opened my heart, and when we removed to Tom's sanctum to smoke (where, by-the-by, Miss Minnie insisted on joining us, saying that she 'liked the smell of tobacco, and found it so dull by herself), I began to relate my adven--tures with the old gentleman. Peal after peal of laughter arose as I proceeded with my narrative. I warmed with my subject, quite out-doing myself in the description of the old gentleman's angry face and his irate behaviour. ' Here !' I said, in triumph, 'is my trophy !' — and I held out thc-nightcap. Never shall I forget that m&nent — bro- ' ther and sister stared at it for one second, and then Tom, looking vacantly at ms, immediately went into an hysterical fit . of laughter. His face began to grow quite black, and the tears rolled down his cheeks. My face presented anything but a laughing appearance, for I was struck with amazement at this behaviour. At last, with what little breath he had left, he managed to get out the words. ' It's — the — guv — nor's — night — cap !' As he said this he pointed to a small label inside the cap, which I had not noticed before, and there, sure enough were the words T. GnimMethorp, Esq., Grumblethorp Hall. Reader, have you ever wished the earth to open and swallow you up ? How heartily did I wish it at that moment. I saw the whole affair at a glance ; I had been playing a practical joke upon the gentleman in whose house I was sitting, and had been describing him in the most ridiculous light to his daughter. How I hated Tom for laughing (his sister was nearly as bad, by-the-way), whilst I sat turning alternately red and pale, considering what on earth was to be done. At this moment a servant entered the room. * A telegram for Miss Grumblethorp.' She hastily looked over it, and then read it aloud to vs :— • ' Shall come by the 8.30 to-morrow mQrning. Some young jackanapes have played a practical joke, and caused me to miss the last train to-night. 1 At last I found words. ' Tom,' I said, ' I must fly. Miss Grumblethorp, I cannot [ sufficiently apologize to you for ' 1 Oh ! you need nob apologize to me, nor | must you go either. Tom, you must dej vise some escape out of the oilemma.' 'It would certainly never do for the governor to recognize you ; he'd never forgive you, and would cut me off with a shilling. Oh ! I have it ; — I sentence you, in punishment, to cut off those whiskers and moustache — he'll never know you then.' 1 Never !' I said, with determination. ' I'm not a vain man, but I will never voluntarily make a fright of myself.' 'Oh ! I'm sure you'd look much better without them,' said Miss Grumblethorp; ' besides, remember the skating party tomorrow ; I want you to teach me so much. You really must not go.' I was not proof against this. The adorable Miss Minnie actually wishing me to stay ! Again, I recollected that I had no. other invitation for Christmas, and all my family were spending the winter abroad. Under these circumstances, I determined torisk all, and stay where I was sure to enjoy myself. Next morning I rose early, had a ,' clean shave,' and borrowed a pair of Jight-blue spectacles. When I met Miss Grumblethorp on my way to breakfast, she declared the disguise was capital, telling me, at the same time, that her father had arrived, and £'■- was in the breakfast-room. I was formally in- \ troduced, and by the way that he received me it was evident he had not recognised me in the least. - ■■:,, ' Always glad to see Tom's friends,' said \ the old boy, in quite a cheerful tone. ' Thanlcgoodness he doesn't choose for companions such puppies as those who insulted me yesterday. I wonder whether they consider themselves gentlemen ?' ; In this strain he continued to talk all breakfast-time, whilst I answered witUperfect gravity, not daring to look at Minnie, for I felt sure she was enjoying the joke. My story is nearly over. I enjoyed the . skating party thoroughly, for I spent most of the day in teaching, Mfonie, I afco -&<£. iy".j oqmpanied her the ne^ eyenjoj^ 'MM&M