HAVE YOU HEARD THIS ONE?

Hawera Star, Volume LIV, 4 May 1935, Page 14

HAVE YOU HEARD THIS ONE?

Pat’s wife had left him and was juing him for maintenance. “I have looked into the case very carefully,” the magistrate said, addressing Pat at the conclusion of the evidence, ‘‘and 1 have decided to allow your wife fifteen shillings a week.” ‘‘Much obliged to yer Honor,” answered Pat. ‘‘l’ll do my best to give her a couple of bob myself as well.” *****

A somewhat depressed party were returning home from a football match when one man broke the gloomy silence with the remark: ‘‘Poor game! Poor game! Never saw a more uninteresting one in my life.” A puzzled looking member of the party, who was sitting in a corner of the compartment, looked up, yawned, and began fumbling in his waistcoat pocket. Then suddenly he sprang up to his feet, exclaiming, ‘‘Great Scott!” “What’s up?” somebody asked. “Lost your watch?” “Watch be hanged!” cried the exasperated passenger. “I’ve left my wife asleep in the grandstand, and she’s got my return half.” * * * * *

Pilot of river steamboat: I’ve been on this river so long I know where every stump is. Just then the boat struck a stump, which shook it from stem to stern.

“There,” he continued, “that’s one of them now.” * * * * *

Two knights of the road were walking along the railway track when one of them picked up a bottle of whisky. After taking a drink from it he handed the bottle to his companion, who quickly followed his example, and before long they succeeded in emptying the bottle. After a while Bill puffed out his chest. “You know, Jim,” he said, “tomorrow I’m going to buy up all the roads in the country, all the cars and all the steamships. I’m going to buy everything. Now, what cPyer think about that?” } “Impossible; you can’t do it,” he replied. “And why not?” asked Bill, rather taken aback. “’Cos I won’t sell ’em,” replied Jim.

Hard-up: “I’m very sorry, but 1 can’t pay you to-day. You see, the grocer has just been here, and • Butcher (interrupting): “Yes, I just met him, and he said you put him off because you had to pay me. bo here’s the. bill.” * * * * *

It was a gaping, big hole, the bottom of which could not even be seen. Down that hole w»as a man. Is it any wonder that a qrowd gathered round, or that various emotions were expressed upon their faces? Had he vanished forever? Would he • never come to the surface again? Some looked anxious, others stared miserably at the spot where he should come. A bell rang. Ah! He was coming up. The lift attendant stepped out, and they all rushed "into the lift. * * * * '* :

Teacher was instructing the infant class in the story of Lot’s flight, and said:— . .. “Lot was warned to take his wire and daughter and flee out of the city, which was about to be destroyed. Lot and his wife got safely away. Now, has any child a question to ask, Tommy: “Please teacher, what happened to the flea?” * * * * *

“Almost every man can find work if he uses his brains,” asserted the man who had travelled a good deal—“that is, if he has the ability to adapt himself like the piano-tuner I once met in the West of America. “ ‘Why,’ I said to him, for we were in a wild, unsettled country, ‘surely piano tuning can’t be very lucrative here. I shouldn’t imagine that pianos were very plentiful in this region. “ ‘No, they’re not,’ said the pianotuner, ‘but I make a pretty fair income by tightening up barbed wire fences.’ ” *****

“I wish I knew my job is a permanent one. You see, when I was taken on the boss said, ‘All right, I will give you a trial.’ ” “Hm! And he hasn’t mentioned whether you are satisfactory or not, eh? . .

“No, and that’s what is worrying me. I don’t like to ask him in case he finds fault with me.” “Yes, it is awkward. How long have you been working form him ? “Nigh on forty years now'.” * * * * *

Mr and Mrs Jenkins were living on a new housing estate, but had n'm quite settled down. One night they went dow r n to the pictures. Halfway through the wife ,turning suddenly to her husband, said excitedly: “Oh, Harold! I’ve forgotten to turn of the electric iron.”

“Don’t worry,” replied he. “I forgot to turn off the shower bath.’ * * * * *

A poor little girl wrote a letter to God asking for £o for her parents. The letter went to the Dead Letter Office, where a sorter, a Mason, sow it and took it to his lodge. As a result £3 was collected, and sent to the child. Some months (later ish,e wrote a similar letter and added a postscript. “Don't send it through the Masons this time. Last time they kept back £2.” * * * * * Hostess: Dear me! The conversation is flagging dreadfully. What can no do to amuse the people? Host: I don’t know. I’m sure, unless we go into the other room for a while to give them a chance to talk about us.