HAVE YOU HEARD THIS ONE?

Hawera Star, Volume LIV, 20 April 1935, Page 14

HAVE YOU HEARD THIS ONE?

Prison Guard: Tea prisoners have broken out. Warder: Have you sounded the alarm. Prison Guard: No, I got a doctor. I think it’s measles. • * * • *

Diner (in hotel): Hi, waiter, I have been a regular customer here for 20 years, and I have always had two pieces of meat, but to-day I’ve only got one piece. What is the reason?

Waiter: Well, sir, we’ve got & new chef, and perhaps he’s forgotten to cut your meat in two.

A Comedian stopped a newsboy Who was vigorously plying his trade. “I say, ,sonny, d’you want a new job?” he asked. “Don’t mind, sir; what is it?” replied the boy. “Well, my manager is looking for a lad like ytiu to play the fool.” “Oh, he is, is he? What T s his idea-do 'sack you of to keep two Of us?”

‘‘She said she was a leading light in the pictures.” “Yes, that’s right —shows people to their seats With a torch.” *****

In a quiet country town a commercial traveller entered the general store. Passing through to the parlout at the back, he found the proprietor and A friend engaged in a game of chess. “Mr Slocum,” he said, “d’you know there are two customers in the shop?” Slocum did not even raise his eyes from the board. He merely .nodded his head and whispered, “That's all right. Keep quiet and they’ll go away again.” *■* » * *

A man charged with assaulting his wife by dragging her from a certain meeting and compelling her to return home with him replied as follows : “In the first place I never attempted to influence my wife in her views or her choice of a meeting. Secondly, my wife did not attend the meeting in question. In the third place, I myself did not attend the meeting, To conclude, neither my wife nor myself had any inclination to go to the meeting. Finally, I never had a wife!”

*** * . * The small son of the house had been staring thoughtfully at his grandfather.

“Well, John,” said the old man, “and what are-you thinking about?” “I was Wondering, grandpa,” replied the child, “if you Were ever in the Ark?” “Great heavens, ho!’’

“Then why weren’t you drowned?”

Suitor: I wish to marry your daughter, sir. , Dad: Do you drink, young man? Suitor: Thanks very much, sir, but let’s settle this other matter first.

An old country woman entering a Midland town saw, for the first time, an electric tram. “Well,” she said, in her amazement, “I’ve seen ’em worked by horses, and I’ve seen ’em run by engines, but I never seed ’em druv by a clothes prop before.” **» ' * *

When the other fellow is set in his ways, he’s Obstinate; when you are, it is- just firmness? When the other fellow doesn’t like your friends, he’s prejudiced; when you don’t like his, you are simply showing that you are a good judge of human nature? When the other fellow tries to treat someone especially well, he’s toadying; when you try the same game, you are Using tact? When the other fellow picks flaws in things, he’s cranky; when yoU do, you are discriminating? When the other fellow says what he thinks, lie’s spiteful; when you do, you are frank? * * * * *

George; Are you Teady to live on my income, dear? Maud? Certainly, dearest, if George: If what?

•Maud: If you can get another one for yoursefl!

“I can only take one Of you,” said the conductor of a crowded tramcar to two women waiting in the Tain. “But we are mother and daughter. Surely you won’t separate us?” plead" ed one.

“Not likely,” replied the conductor, reaching for the bell. “I did so once —but never again! ”

An English tourist was On his first visit to Niagara Palls, and a guide was trying to impress him with their magnitude. “Grand!” suggested the guide. The visitor did not seem impressed. “Millions of gallons a minute!” explained the guide. “How many in a day?” asked the tourist.

“Oh, billions and billions!” answered the guide. The visitor looked across and down and up, as if gauging the flow. “Runs all night, too, I suppose?” he remarked nonchalantly.

Roy (applying for job, to manager): Sir, I perceive by the card in your window that you require a well-spoken, civil, respectable lad. May I draw your attention to my capabilities In those virtues?

Manager: Sorry, laddie, but I have just engaged a lad for that vacancy. Boy: Then, why in Hades don’t you take the blistering card out of yoUf darned window, you dunderheaded old buffer!

Agitated Maid (on telephone to mistress visiting friends): Oil, muni, do come back! I’Ve mixed up the terminuses someho'W. The loudspeaker’s all covered .•with icicles, and the refrigerator’s singing “The IslO of Capri.”

Assistant: 3?or value there is nothing Oii the market to compare with this at. the price. •Customer: And how much is it? Assistant: Otoe moment, madam. I’ll ask the manager. » * * * * Husband (in the cinema): Well, dear, if the picture upsets you, let’s go out. Weeping Wife: Oh, John! How can you be such a kill joy? ***•»* The broom vendors met in a London street. “’Ang it all,” said one, “I don’t see ’ow you can sell these >ero brooms for a shifin.’ I steals the brush, and I steals the wire, an’ t steals the ’andles, an’ I can’t sell ’em for a shilling and make money on ’em.” And the other replied: ‘‘Why, 1 steals ’em ready-made.