HAVE YOU HEARD THIS ONE?

Hawera Star, Volume LIV, 6 October 1934, Page 7

HAVE YOU HEARD THIS ONE?

Two business rivals were having a wordy conflict. “You want me to tell you just, what, I think of you, Freeman?’’ sneered Gray'.

“Yes, go on!’’ replied Freeman, with an air of defiance.

“Very well,” replied the other, “I’ll be brief. You say you are a self-made man.’’

“I won’t deny it,” put in Freeman, with a self-satisfied grin. “Which just goes to show the horrors of unskilled labour,” returned Gray. * * * * *

“Who’s the talkative woman over there? ’ ’ “My wife.” ‘ ‘ Sorry-, my mistake. ’ ’ “No. Aline.” ■** * * *

Mrs De Neat: It seems to me that, for a man who claims to deserve charity, you have a very red. nose. Mouldy Mike: Yes, mum; the cheap soaps that us poor people use is very hard on the complexion mum. ****■• Airs Jones: There. Broke my look-ing-glass. Now I suppose I shall have seven year’s, bad luck. Airs ‘Brown: Don’t you believe it, Mr s Jones. A friend of mine Broke hers, and she didn’t have seven years’ bad luck. She was killed in an explosion next day. ***** “Whenever I want to rise early I always leave a note in the milk bottle, and the milkman wakes me by ringing the- front door bell,” said Jones. His friend smiled. The only thing that prevents me from using that idea is- that I am seldom home early enough to write a note to the milkman. ’ ’ *** . * * i A young man who had received his diploma had been looking around successively for a position, i for employment and for a job. Entering an office, he asked to see the manager, and while waiting he said to the office boy: , “Do you suppose there is any opening here for a college graduate?”' “Well, dere will be,” was the reply, “if de boss don’t raise me salary to free dollars a week by termorrer night.” ***** ‘ ‘ When I was a lad, ’ ’ continued tlie millionaire, who was telling his fellow members at their annual dinner some of his troubles in early life. “I walked to Devonshire. I found a job, and, after five years’ hard work, managed to have enough to buy a bicycle. ’ ’ There was a gasp of astonishment, i “Not long after this,” began the other afresh, . “I got a letter from home. Mother was very ill. 'So I jumped on my bicycle and rode to .London, just in time to hear the doctor say that Devon air was the only thing that would save mother.”. His audience gasped. “You took her back, of course?” they said. “No,” replied the millionaire, “I dragged the old bike into the room, let the Devonshire air out of the tyres, and'mother’s alive to-day.” * * v * * “Am dere anybody in the congregation what wishes prayer fair deir failin’s?” asked the coloured minister “Yassauh,” responded Brother Jones. “Ah’s a spen’thrift, an’ Ah throws mah money round reckless like.” “Ve’y well. We will join in prayer fo’ Brotheh Jones—jes’ after de collection plate have been passed. ***** An elderly man of convivial habits, but also bookish, was haled before the bar of justice in a small country town. “Ye’re charged with bein’ drunk and disorderly,” snapped the magistrate. ‘ ‘ Have ye anything to say why sentence should not be pronounced?” ‘Alan’s inhumanity to man make 3 countless thousands mourn,” began the , prioner, in a flight of oratory. “I am not so debased as Poe, so profligate as Byron, so ungrateful as Keats, so intemperate as Burns, so vulgar as (Shakespeare, so—” “That’ll do, that’ll do,” interrupted the magistrate. “Seven days. And, officer, take down that list of names lie mentioned and round them up. I think they’re as bad as he~is.” :** * * *

Percival: That was the unkindest cut of all, as the poet' says. Penelope: What was? Percival: I showed her one of my boyhood pictures with my father holding me on his knee, and she said, “My, who is the ventriloquist?” * * * * * The baby was being displayed to admiring callers. “Dear me!” exclaimed one visitor, who seemed to find it difficult to know what to say. “How like his father.” > “Oh, that's only the hot weather,” replied the young mother, crossly. “As a’rule he's quite cheerful looking.” ***** A speaker before a women's organisation was telling how careless the men in Persia are with their wives, and said it was no uncommon sight to see a woman and a donkey hitched up together. One of the women in the audience called out: That’s not so unusual—you often see it over here, too. He had not shown any ambition to work, and it became necessary to dismiss him from the service. Requesting , a letter of recommendation, he received this.: “We are pleased to say that the bearer is one of the best men this firm has ever turned out.”