LIGHTER SIDE OF LIFE

Hawera Star, Volume LIII, 4 November 1933, Page 12

LIGHTER SIDE OF LIFE

JOKES AND SHORT STORIES TOLD BY “THE JESTER.” “’Yes, we spent our holiday' motoring on the Continent. It was glorious. ’ ’ “Motoring abroad, eh? I’ll bet y'ou passed some glorious scenery', too.” “Oh, we must have done. Why', we averaged about 460 miles a day.”

Bald-headed Drill Sergeant (to round-shouldered recruit): Well, youngster, what’ll you give me if I get. that hump off your back? Recruit (with air of simplicity): Why, sergeant, I’ll give you a recipe for making your hair grow! • * • • •

Clancy: Mrs. Murphy, your son Mike has just fell off th’ scaffolding and kilt himself.

Mrs. Murphy': Merciful hivins! Aisy' now'. ’Tis only his leg that’s bruk, and it’s glad ye will be to hear it whin ye thought he was killed entoirely. to » * w -

Brown: I always thought, your paper w r as friendly’ to mo? Editor: So it is. What’s the matter?

Brown: I made a speech at our football supper last night, and y'ou didn’t print a single line of it. The Editor: Well, what further proof of friendship do you want? •** * * *

Lady': I bought three hams here a month ago, and they w'crc so nice. Have you got any' more of them? Grocer: Yes, ma’am, there are 10 of those hams hanging up fnere now'. Lady: Well, if y'ou’re sure they’re off the same pig I’ll take three more of them. *****

“I should think that you feel badly' about leaving this place,” said the housemaid to the departing, cook. “I don’t! I’m glad to go. I ain’t sorry to leave any of y r ou—except the dog. Poor old Tiger, he always washed the plates for me!” • * • • *

A minister delivered a .sermon of only’ ten minutes’ duration. At the conclusion he explained: “I regret to inform y r ou, brethren, that this morning my dog playfully' ate the portion of my' sermon that I -have not delivered. Let us pray'.” ■After the service a man who was a member of another church shook the preacher’s hand and said: “I should like to know' w'hen that dog of y'ours has pups. I’d like one to give to our minister.” * „ «r • *

The village boys were trying to start a cricket club, and accordingly notified all likely' supporters. This is the appeal which the vicar received: —

“Dear 'Sir, —We shall be grateful if you will give us a donation: to our cricket club—and if y r ou will' kindly' lend us the bats w'hich the organist says y r ou have in y'our belfry’ it would be a great help to us.”

A couple had just been married. The clergyman shook hands with the bride, then held out, his hand to the bridegroom. The latter, however, took no notice but stood w'ith his hand deep in his trousers pocket. When he saw that the clergyman continued to hold out his hand he said in a very' annoyed tone: “Hang it all, can’t y’ou see I’m getting the money out as fast as 1 can?”

It was during the autumn sales, when tempers were getting rather frayed. “If I were trying to match politeness,” said the angry' woman customer, glaring hard at the shop assistant. “I’d lrave a job to find it here.” The assistant was equal to the occasion: “ILet me see your sample, madam,” she said. *****

Ronnj' and Tommy' had been playing football against their mother’s instructions. “I say, Tommy,” said Ronny, “it’s nearly' 6 o’clock. Don’t you think we ought to go home?” Tommy' looked thoughtful. “No fear, Ron,” he said artfully. “If we go home now we’ll be smacked for playing football. If we stay out till S o’clock we'll get hugged and kissed for not being hurt.” * * * * ■*

Ic was bitterly' cold and the hawker, pushing his barrow along the street, was not in the best of tempers. Presently an old lady came out of a nearby house and stopped him. “H’m,”_she murmured, after gazing at his stock for some time, “not much here.” She picked up a bunch of bananas. “Not ripe,” she sniffed. “-Course they’re ripe,” returned the hawker with some warmth.

“I tell you they are not,” she persisted. ‘“They are hard to skin.” The hawker gaspea. “Good heavens!” he ejaculated. “What do you expect for three for .tupenee —bananas with zip fasteners? ” **>*»«

It wasn’t so much his gambling that she objected to, as the fact that he never backed a Avinner. One day' he came home looking more morose than ever.

“I say, Martha,” he -began, “you like to hear of people winning money', don't you?”

So he was only' looking glum for a joke. Visions of a new hat and a trip to the pictures floated before her eves. ’ ’

‘‘Why, you darling— ’ ’ she began

“I thought you did. Well, a bookmaker’s been and gorn and won all mo wages this week.”

The boxer’s wife glanced anxiously at the clock. Presently her husband entered. “Well, how did you get on?” she asked. “Did you win?”

He smiled triumphantly. “Yes—put him to sleep in the third round,” he replied. His wife rose from her chair, took a crying baby from his cot, and handed him to her husband. “(Now you can try your hand on the baby,” she said. •* * * # *

A Lancastrian sent his son to be tutored and “polished” by a university man. He was particularly anxious that he should lose his Lancashire accent, and the tutor assured him that in six months the 'boy would have no trace of it. At the time appointed the father visited his son.

“Hullo, pater; I’m frightfully bucked to see you again,” said the latter, in flawless accents.

The father was delighted, and went off to congratulate the -master. The latter looked at the parent in perplexity- for a few- moments. Then recognition daw-ned on -his face. “Bagoom,” he said, “Ah mind thee now. Tha’s youn Harold’s feyther.”