LIGHTER SIDE OF LIFE

Hawera Star, Volume LIII, 26 August 1933, Page 12

LIGHTER SIDE OF LIFE

JOKES AND SHORT STORIES TOLD BY “THE JESTER.” A Jew went to Heaven, accompanied by a Scotsman. Living conditions they found very crowded. Accordingly’ St. Peter ordered them back to earth for another five years. Both men protested that their heirs had claimed their estates and that they’ had nothing to live on. “Then I’ll give you all y r ou want,’ said St. Peter. “How much?” The Scotsman figured it out carefully.

“ Well, I eanna do on less than a hundred thousand pounds.” St. Peter gave him the money and turned to the Jew. “How much?” The Jew looked after the .Scotsman. “Never mifid. Jiisfi give me Macpherson’s address.” * » * * Keen but friendly rivalry existed between two neighbouring ranches in the Wild West, and -whom Buckskin Bill met. his rival,’Hairy Mike, they argued fast and furious as to which camp had the fiercest “he-men.”

“Whv, y’ou red-whiskered appara,tion,” said'Bill, “just you come along to our saloon bar. There’s a 'concert on, and y’ou’ll hear some of our war songs. They’ll settle the point!” Mike accompanied him to the liut, crammed with ranchers. On the platform stood a huge cowboy bawling out a- coarse and blood-curdling ditty, which sent the audience half crazy. They' heard it through then Bill said: “Well, what d’ye say r now?” Hairy Mike looked at him quite calmly', “What’s the number of that hvmn?” he asked. * * * * * *

Two 'Scots went to a variety show in London. Being in funds that day, they took front-row seats. During the conjuror’s turn, one of them was asked to go on the stage to assist in a trick.

One their way' home after the performance Jock, who had been on the stage, said: “Well, Angus, laddie, y r on was a grand conjuror.” “Worst I’ve ever seen,” said his friend.

“Maybe, maybe,” said Jock, “but I gave him a dud 10/- note and lie gave me a good one in return.”

Two friends met in a country’ inn after the lapse of many years. Explained one: “I’ve settled down in this quarter, you know. Got married and taken up pig-rearing. 'Got a number of beauties coming on just .now. Look up and see me some time.” A few days later the other took advantage of the invitation and his ring at the door bell was answered by a young woman. “How do you do?” said the visitor affably’. “I’ve just come along to see the little swine.”

“Oh,” said the woman, in' a distant tone, “I expect you’ll find him hanging about the Farmer’s Arms as usual.” ■* * M * *

The teacher was explaining the difference between the stately rose and the modest violet. “You see, children,” she said, “a beautiful, welldressed lady walk along the street. She is proud and does not greet anybody—that is the rose. But behind her comes a small creature with bowed head.” “Yes, miss, I know,” Tommy’ interrupted. “That’s her husband.”

Mrs Sharpwit: That. Mrs Lovely’, who has come to live' next door, is a woman who has suffered a great deal for her beliefs.

Mr Sharpwit: “Dear me! What are her beliefs?

Mrs Sharpwit: She believes that she can wear a number three shoe on a number six foot and a twenty’-tliree-inch corset on a thirty-inch waist. • a • * *

A German, working for a Jew in England, asked for a rise. “Rise! Do you know there are 366 days (in a Leap Year), and as you only vork 8 hours a day, a .third, that makes 122 days. Take Sundays avay, another 52 days, and that leaves 70. I give you a fortnight’s holiday, 14 less again; that leaves 56. Allow 4 .Bank Holidays, and it is reduced to 52. You don’t vork Saturday, as it is our Sunday. There are 52 Saturdays, deduct those and the answer is nil. Vy, no rise for you, you don’t vork at all.’’ « * * * *

Tommy was taking dinner to his father, a road mender. On his way he saw a man repairing the grate over a drain. “My brother lost ’arf-a-crown down that drain,’’ remarked Tommy interestedly.

“Well, young man,’’ said the workman hi's eyes lighting up, “you’d better get a move on with that dinner before it gets cold.’’ In half an hour Tommy returned to find the man still at the drain. “Are you sure it was in this drain the ’arfcrown was lost?” he asked.

“Yes,’’ replied Tommy, “because I saw my father get it out.’’

“Only those who have been aroused from sleep on board ship by the terrible cry ‘Man overboard!’ ” said the lecturer, “can fully realise its terrible meaning.” “That’s not right,” interjected a little man in the audience. “T heard it once, when I was not aboard ship, and I realised it more than anybody!” “You could not!” “Oh, yes, I could,” persisted the little man. “I was the one who was overboard!”

A billiards marker was informed by his employer that he would have to he more careful in the matter of chalk.

“Can’t help it, sir,” replied the marker. “I know the men who pocket the chalk; hut they’re regular customers, and you wouldn’t want me to offend them, wouTd you, sir?” “No,” was the reply, “but you could give them a gentle hint, you know. ’ ’

The marker promised lo do so, and a few days later, observing a player pocket a piece of chalk, he approached tho culprit and remarked: “You'll excuse me, sir, but are you connected in any way with the milk trade?”

“Well, as a matter of fact, I am,” came the reply. “What of it?” “I thought so,” rejoined the marker, “by the amount of chalk you carry away My boss likes enterprise, and he told me to give you a hint that if yon wanted a bucket of water now and again, you could have one with pleasure.