LIGHTER SIDE OF LIFE

Hawera Star, Volume LIII, 19 August 1933, Page 12

LIGHTER SIDE OF LIFE

JOKES AND SHORT STORIES TOLD BY “THE JESTER.’’ Teacher: I will use my hat to represent the -planet Mars. Are there any questions before I go on? Tommy: Yes. Is Mars inhabited? * * * * * Abrupt Medical Officer: Any scars on you? Nervous Recruit: No, sir, but I’vo got a small packet of cigarettes, if you’d like one. *****

Jones (dictating letter): 'Sir, my typist, being a lady, cannot take down what I think of you;. I, being a gentleman, could not even dictate it; but you, being neither, can easily guess my thoughts. *****

“Does your husband always live up to the promise of his courtship days?” “Always. In those days ho said he wasn’t good enough for me, and he’s b'een proving it ever since.”

Wife: Tho doctor said at. once that f needed a stimulant, and asked to see my tongue. Husband (alarmed): Good heavens! I hope he didn’t give you a stimulant for that. *****

Bill: I hear your brother’s workin’ now, Sam.

Sam;- Yus. Bill: How long’s he bin working? iSam: Three months. Bill: What’s he doin?? Sam: Six. *****

‘‘What is your son going to do now that he has' left school, Mrs Spriggins? ’ ’ “I dunno exactly. He’s talkin’ of goin’ into law; but I’ve heerd tell as how there’s lots of money in bankruptcy, and I’d like him to try that.” C ** * * * Miss Reducer: My dear, your figure is improving wonderfully. Do tell mo what reducing method you are using,? Mrs Slimmer: Trying to live within my income is what keeps me living within my clothes. * * * * * ■Sho watched him gazing down at their first-born. Wonder, admiration, rapture, incredulity chased across his face. She stole up and said tenderly, “Tell me your thoughts, dearest.” “Darned if I can see how anyone can make that cot for fifteen shillings.” * * * * * Private Parker was applying for a new pair of boots. “The boots you have are not worn out yet,” growled the quartermaster. “ISTot worn out?” cried Parker in amazement. “Why, the soles are so thin that if I tread on a sixpence I can toll whether it’s heads or tails.” **** * A visitor to Ireland was bidding an Irishman good-bye. “Good-bye, Pat,” he said. “Good-bye, yer honour. May heaven bless you and may every hair in your head be a candle to light your "way to glory. ’’ “Well, Pat,” said the visitor, taking off his hat, and showing a bald pate, “when that times comes there won’t be much of a torchlight procession up aloft. ***** Teacher; Who can tell me what the former ruler of Russia was called?” Class (in unison): Tsar. . Teacher: Correct ■ and what was his wife called? Class: Tsarina. Teacher: What were the Tsar’s children called? There was a pause, and then a timid voice in the rear piped up: “Tsardi'nes. ” * # » * Hughes: I see you’ve got another parrot, Mason. Mason: Yes. You see, the other belonged to my wife and I thought. I’d get one for myself. Hughes: Do they both talk? Mason: Oh, rather! My wife’s says “You’ve dropped some ash 911 the carpet, George!” and mine says, “The bacon is burnt again, hang it!” * * * * *

A teacher, instructing a class in composition, said: “Do not attempt any flights of fancy'; be yourselves, and write what is in you."

The following day' a bright pupil handed in the following: “We should not attempt any flights of fancy; rite what is in us. In me there is my stomach, lungs, liver, two apples, one piece of cake, three sticks of toffee, and my' dinner. "

■Sam, a negro, was the chief witness in a Court case.

“Now, Sam," warned the Judge, “if y'ou tell a lie, y'ou know what will happen, I suppose?" “Yes, suh," replied Sam. “I go to Hades aiul burn a long, long time." “Quite right," declared the Judge. “And y'ou know what will happen if you tell the truth?" “Yes, suh,” said Sam. “We loso dis case, as sure as eggs am eggs!" * * *

“If you want to spend a quiet halfhour," said the native to a visitor, “there’s no better place than our art gallery'." “Half a minute," replied the stranger. “I’ve .just started reading about it in the guide book. It- says that the visitor, on entering, is struck oy' a statue of Hercules. Then he is stunned by the splendour of the great staircase. A picture in the first room is full of punch, while farther on one is crushed by' the overwhelming magnificence of another painting. Finally, brilliant colours run riot everywhere. No, sir; if I want a quiet half-hour, I’ll take'a boxing lesson.’’ * * * * *

Little Dennis was untidy. Though his mother made every effort to encourage him, he seldom folded his clothes after he undressed for bed. One day his mother came into the bedroom and saw his clothing scattered all over the floor. Thinking she would impress him, she said: “I wonder who it was that .never folded his clothes when he went, to bed."

Little Dennis pulled the bedclothes over his head and answered, ‘‘ Adam! ’ ’

He was relating tales of his travels | and his listeners were impressed. ; “But the real thriller was when 1 made 60 cannibals run!” he said, am.' paused, waiting for encouragement. “How did y r ou do that?” inquired a listener, anxiously. “I ran, and they' ran after me!” j was the reply.