LIGHTER SIDE OF LIFE

Hawera Star, Volume LIII, 10 June 1933, Page 12

LIGHTER SIDE OF LIFE

JOKES AND SHORT STORIES TOLD BY “THE JESTER.”

Father: Yes. my son, I’m a self made man.

Son: Well, father, that’is what 1 admire about you. You always take the blame for everything.

He had not paid the last instalment for his mother-in-law’s funeral, and the undertaker was losing patience with him. "

“See here,” he said, “if that money isn’t paid by Sat*»dray,> up she comes!’’

“Are you in furnished or unfurnished rooms?” said George. “Well, old chap,” replied Bill, “I really don’t know till I get home at night; you see, these hire-purchase people are so deueedly fussy!” * * * * ** Xr

Wife: I do believe Mrs. Armstrong is offended at something. She hasn’t been to see me for several days. Husband: Be sure and find out what it is when she does come, and we’ll try it on her again. * * * * *

Resident: The young student upstairs has a lot of correspondence, postman, you always have something for him.

Postman: Yes, I quarrellel with him once, and ever since he has sent himself a post-card daily, because I have to climb five flights of stairs to deliver it. . .

Spinster : Cats, my dear —I hate cats. I hate the very sight of them. I had a sweet little canarv once and some eat got- it. I had a parrot that could say anything—some cat got him. I had a sweetheart and—ah—don’t mention cats to me! * * * * *

An old Scots woman lay dying. The wind howled round her cottage, and the rain dashed against the window. “Eh!’’ she murmured, “what a fearful nicht for a poor hocly to be fleein’ through the air.” “Mebbe ye’ll no be called upon to flee, Jenny,” said her neighbour, consolingly, “ye’ll just trot down into a nice warm corner.”

Lecturer on Art: Before I sit down I shall be happy to answer any questions that any of you may wish to ask. Gentleman in the Audience: I have enjoyed the lecture much, sir, and have understood it- all except a few technical terms. Will you please tell me what you mean by the words, “perspective,” “fresco’» and “mickleanjelo” ? Lecturer sits down discouraged. * * * *■ *

Little Betty (reading advertisement) ; Mummy, why do boardinghouse proprietors object to children?” Mother: I don’t know dear, and I can’t be bothered with such thugs now. Go and see what baby is crying about, tell Gerald to stop shooting pens at people in the street, make Cyril and Dick stop quarrelling, and Udl Jllommy if he doesn’t stop blowing that trumpet I shall take it away from him. * * •* * *•

The lady in the bar, whose looks it would he- kindness to describe as nomely, raised her glass and nodded to her companions. “Here’s wishing you better looking,” she said, cheerfully. Squinting over the top of her glass, the other regarded her friend’s weather-beaten features.

“I’m no blooming optimist,” she replied, “so I’ll just say ‘Good health. ”

Two youths went to see l a- billiard? majt-ch in which wqU-known p-tries-sionals were playing. Silently they watched one of the players pile up a masterly break, and at last one whispered to the otheT: “What’s this ’ere game called, Alf ” “Why, billiards, of course,” replied Alf.

The other was silent for a few minutes, then he whispered again to Jvs friend: “Well, what do thev call the game we play at our club?” ■*. * * *

He had never played golf iti his life, but when a friend persuaded him to try a round he teed up, took a mighty swing, and by a miracle landed right in the first hole. At the second tee another (miracle happened;. Another mighty swing, and the ball landed a few inches from the hole. “Curses!” he cried, when he saw what had happened, “I’ve missed it 1 ” • w * * »

A spinster was entertaining a number of little girls from a charitable institution, ana after lunch she conducted them over the house, which contained many objects of art and intei’est. “This,” said the spinster, indicating a statue, “is Minerva.” “Was Minerva married?” asked one of the little girls. “No, my child,”, said the spinier, with a. smile; “Minerva was the goddess of wisdom.”

“Captain,” said the fair passenger on the liner ploughing its way across the Atlantic, “how do you; manage to find you way across all this water to vour proper destination?” The captain smiled patiently. “By the compass,'> he told her; “the needle always points to the north.” The young lady nodded. “Yes, I understand that,” she renlied. “But suppose a time comes ■v*;en von want to go south, how would you get on then?” * * * * *

A woman whose husband was in the regular habit of returning homo at midnight always the worse for drink, determined to "frighten him. So dressing herself in white with a white sheet over her head, she awaited his return on a lonely part of the road. On Ins approach she advanced to the centre of the road and holding up her hand said- “Halt. I am the devil.” “Ah.” said the hanpy one, “pleased to meet vou. old chart. Come oil tome and have a drink, T am manned to -our sister.”