HOTCH – POTCH

Hawera Star, Volume XLVII, 24 March 1928, Page 8

HOTCH - POTCH

Naggs. —“My wile never loses her temper. ’ ’ Jaggs.—-“How do 1 you accouijt ior it ? ”

Naggs.—.“She keeps it in such constant use it has no chance to get lost.

The caddie-muster overheard one ol liis youthful charges using lurid language. “My lad,’.’ he said severely, “do you know what happens to l kids who swear?’.’ “Yes,”, replied the boy pertly, “they grow up and join the club.”

There had been a motoring accident and one of the victims recovered consciousness sumo time later in a hospital. The poor fellow was a bit dazed and, observing a stranger—the doctorbending over him, he inquired, “Who are you?” The doctor humoured him. “Dh,” lie -said with a smile, “my name’s Peter.” The patient clutched the sides of the bed and gasped out, “What! Saint Peter?”

An English Government official was making an inspection of an Indian Native prison. To the governor he said later, “Wt&ll, everything seems perfectly satisfactory here. All the prisoners seem contented with the exception of that man whom I spoke to last.” “Ah, yes,” said the Indian governor, “that was Lull Din. He is to be hanged to-morrow morning, and he is innocent, I think it rather upsets him.”.

A Scots laddie on being taken to church for the first time was given by his father a penny and a half-crown, and was told to decide for himself which of these coins he should place in the plate. After service the boy was asked which coin he had given. “The penny,” he- replied promptly. “Why?” asked’ his father, “Well,” said the hopeful youth, “you remember just before the plate was sent round the minister said, ‘The Lord Iqveth a cheerful giver.”

Marie was very enthusiastic regarding the new minister, and young Willoughby was inclined to be jealous. “Oh, he is superbly eloquent!” cried Marie. “He can move Ms hearers to tears. ’ ’ “That’s a poor accomplishment,” said Willoughby, sarcastically. “I would scorn proficiency in an art an which every sneeze is' my equal and every peeled onion my superior.”

A wealthy fellow invited three friends to dinner and bridge. The three guests met eu route. One of them, MacBherson, said to other two, “Just a word 'of warning, laddies. Beware of Evan’s champagne.” Accordingly at dinner tho two refused bubbly, but MacPherson had several glasses of it. Somewhat mystified, the two tackled the Scott about his action when they were oh the way home. “What was wrong with the fizz, Mac?” asked one. “It seemed very good stuff. . . The Widow, wasn’t it?” “Oh, yes,” said the Scot, “it was excellent. It wasn’t the quality I was' warning you against, it was the quantity. I was feared there wouldna- be enough to go round more than once.”

The fair visitor had called upon her artist acquaintance. “Yours were the only pictures I could look at at the Academy to-day,” she exclaimed. “Believe me, I''appreciate the honour, ’ ’ exclaimed the artist.' ‘ ‘ Honour! ’ ’ she -echoed, in tones of perplexity. “The others, you know, were so surrounded by the crowd!”

“I hope my little Tommy has taken to heart mamma’s talk of last night about charity and! usefulness,” said a fond mother. “How many acts 1 of kindness has he done? How many hearts has my Tommy made grateful and glad ? ” • Her Tommy replied: “I’ve 1 done a whole lot of good, ma. 1 gave your new hat to a beggar woman, and I gave the cook’s' new shoes to a little girl who said her muvver took eights* and I gave a poor, lame bootlace seller pa’s black evening suit, the open-front one that he hardly ever wears.”

iShe: “You never hear of worneii cashiers embezzling or running off with their employer\s money.”

He: “Not often, but when it does happen, they take the employer, too.”

“With a single stroke of a camel’s hair brush,” said the school teacher, taking his class round the National Gallery, “Joshua .Reynolds could change a smiling fa'ce to a frowning one,” “iSo can mother,” said a small boy, “with the back of a hair brush.”

“Would you mind getting up for just- a minute, miss?” “Why?” “I want to hang up this notice, ‘ Wet P.aint. ’ ” '

Grocer Brown (between the dances). —“There’s a lady over there who has boon Watching .you for ever so long; she’ll be asking for an intro (Motion soon.” Grocer James.—“ She won’t, she’s my wife. ’ ’

The beautiful girl’.s sweet 'smiles changed to dark frowns. “You deceiver!” she liissed. “I lia'te you! ’’ The young man dropped Ids cane in astonishment.

“Hate me!” lie gasped. “Why, it Was only yesterday you said you loved every hair on my head.” “Yes, but not every li'air on your shoulder,” she retorted, as she- held aloft a golden bit of evidence.

A racing tipster, observing a hophutted gentleman walking up Whitehall, said to him. “Excuse me, guvnor, ovvM you like a dead cent for next week?” 'The top-hutted gentleman paid no heed. The tipster, following, repeated his offer. The man in the silk hat became annoyed. He stopped, and, waving his umbrella furiously, said: “You’d better look out. my man, I’m a Crown solicitor.” “Well that 's all right, guv’nor, ” said the tipster with a grin, “I’m an arf-crown solicitor. ’ ’

The Glasgow traiu was due out from Euston, and a Glasgow man Was leisurely inquiring ojt the third-class window Hie price of a “single” )t!o lli.is native city. A queue formed up behind him, headed bv an impatient Y’ankce. Sitill tho Glaswegian went on with his inquiries. “Whit wis a re-tur-rn?” “Aye, and whit wis a weekend?” “Aye, bht I’d tae come bank on the .Monday?” “Aye, non, whit’s a toorist?” “Aye, we el, a’ll juist tak a single. ’ ’ die got it, and required change, and time to count it. As (lie moved aWay, the Yankee exploded. “Say -I’d rather have fifty 100 per cent. Amur-Cans. in front of me than one of you durned Scotsmen!” “Aye” came thc canny reply, “that’s' whit the Ger-rmlans said. ”