HOTCH – POTCH

Hawera Star, Volume XLVII, 10 March 1928, Page 7

HOTCH - POTCH

Two rival villages were about to engage in the local iootball “derby.” Beroie lie led his men on the held tne i.ome skipper gathered them togetner and said: “Now, eliaps, 'remember this, we’ve got. to do one of three things — win, draw . • • Oi- protest.

The orchestra were rehearsing the music for a pantomime. The flautist, betraying Little knowledge of iiis instrument,' was responsible tor some appal.mg discords. At length the conductor stopped the rehearsal, and, fixing the culprit with a bleak eye, demanded, -,vi r Smith, can you play anything m addition to the goat?”

A vjery thin full-back was much annoyed bv the attentions of a small dog during a Bugger match. At last, when play had moved to the other end, the hack turned and shouted to the spectators “Whoever owns this dog might call him off.” A voice responded: “Come here. Spot. Them ain’t hones, boy; them’s legs.’

The old actor, after liis fourth, was telling of his more prosperous days. ’■Ave.” he said, “maybe you wouldn't think it to look at me now. but once upon a time I used to plead at the bar. “ All, yes.” said his friend, “but- they would never give you anything after six o’clock, would they?

An old soldier, having found no suitable civil employment, re-erdisted. He was reported almost immediately for having a dirty rifle. In the Orderly Boom the shrewd young company commander said: —“This isn’t your first crime in the army, I’ll wager. What was vour last offence? “The old soldier gave' a sigh and replied. “ ’Aving a dirty how and arrow, sir.”

A witty parson was invited by a wealthy farmer to a Sunday dinner. The guest on receiving a great heaped plate of roast chicken exclaimed facetious! v—“ Well, here’s where a chicken enter the Ministry.” The host looked up with a quick, dry smile. “Well, let s hope lie does better there than he cud in his lay work,” he said.

A short-sighted old lady had gone to the play, but had omitted to take her spectacles with her. Consequently she missed a good deal of wliat was happening. -She confided her plight, in a garrulous manner, to the courteous sou rig man who sat next to her. “Have a glass madam?” he said, passing'his opera glasses. The offer was accepted with alacrity, but a moment later the owner of the glasses received a violent dj ( r ill the ribs. “You cruel young man,” came the indignant whisper, “there isn’t a drop in either of them.

Rugby enthusiasts already know that sometimes in the “tight ’ the language is apt to be hasty. In a recent match two hefty packs swore at each other with great and friendly heartiness until the referee uttered a word of warning. “Look here, you fellows,” lie said, you’ve got to cut out this svyeaiinM People don’t come here to listen to language like this. If they wanted to hear that kind of stuff they’d have gone to a West End theatre.”

Two young men who had spent an hilarious evening were detained for the iii-dit bv the police. Next morning one of° them was permitted to telephone his father to arrange the matter of bail. In due course he returned to his friend “Well, did you get through to vour okl man?” asked the other wearily. “Oh, yes, I got through. “What did lie reply?” “Well, I’m not exactly sure whether he replied or whether it was a- breakdown on the line.”

There had been a- skating accident on a (Scottish loch, but a fatality had been averted by the bravery of a schoolboy who saved his chum’s life. A subscript ion was raised for the young heio, who was presented with a gold watch. In making the presentation the Provost said, “1 would like Geordie to tell in his own words how he risked his life to save his friend.” Geordie, clutching the watch tightly, said in a dour voice, “He had nn skates on.

After an entertainment in a church assembly room, the chairman of the committee came up to one of the entertainers and said, sympliatically: “[ am sorry we didn’t get time for your magic act, but we had to cut a lot of tlie numbers. I hope you don’t feel pul out about it.” The amateur magician bung his head. •‘L jim put out —just ten shillings’ worth.”

“What do you mean?” “Well I didn’t get a chance to get back the ten-shilling note I smuggled into a man’s pocket, which I was going to produce mysteriously in one of my biggest tricks.”

I.ittle Boy (on the beach): “Mummy, I want to go deep into the sea.’’ Mother: “My dear, you cannot.” Little Boy: “But, mummy, daddy does.” . ... Mother: “Yes, but you see bis life is insured.”

The young blood was listening to the older clubman. “1 saw your father the other day,” said the elder. “What a distinguished old gentleman he looks with his snow-white hair.” “Ah, yes,” agreed the son. “He’s got me to thank for that.”

A professional actor was coaching a Scottish Dramatic Society. “You must infuse more expression into your voices,” he said. “Why, I recollect an actor who could- so read a menu as to make his audience weep.” There was a moment’s awed silence, and then one of the amateurs remarked, “He must have read the prices.”

An Englishman was showing the sights o( "London to an unimpressed American from the Middle West. The guide becoming a little nettled at the other's superciliousness, said, “That’s a tine- building over there, isn’t it?” “We gotta a dozen similar in Chicago,” said the Yank. “Quite so,” said the Londoner, - “that’s a lunatic asylum.”

There had been a festive season shindv down in the East End, and a British boxer and three Chinese were arrested. Next morning they appeared before the Bench, and the charge was investigated. “What’s your name?” said the magistrate to one of the Celestials. “Ah Loo, sir.’ “Ah Loo, thirty days. And now,” to the next defendant “What’s your name?” “Ah Lee. sir.”—“Very well. All Lee, thirty days. And your name, next man?” “Ah Lung, sir.” —“Ah Lung, thirty da vs.” At this point the cadi fixed bis eve on the solitary Briton and said, ‘“Well, what’s your name?” — “Aw Hell.” said the pug. “Gimme thirty days.” A film star with a- fair divorce record became engaged to a lady in the same profession who had been extravagant in husbands. They invited a very celebrated film magnate to the wedding. The magnate said that he was afraid he would not be able to attend. “Oh, come along, do,” begged the male star, “it won’t be an amateur performance, you know-.”