HOTCH – POTCH

Hawera Star, Volume XLVII, 3 December 1927, Page 16

HOTCH - POTCH

“But I wasn’t doing forty miles an hour,’’ protested the motorist, “nor thirty either, nor even twenty-five. . .” “I must warn you, ” interrupted the magistrate, “that y r ou are in danger of backing into something.’’

George was reading to his wife an exciting newspaper report of a fire. “Aud, my dear!’’ he cried, “one poor woman had to escape down a waterpipe at the back of the house.’’ “Oh!” sighed his wife, “how splendid to b(> as thin as that!”

“IGood-bye,” said the father as he kissed his five-year-old daughter “Good-bye, and be a good girl.” “■And" don’t do what?” replied the angel child.

Mr. L. S. Amery, was once a .journalist, and has never forgotten it. When it. was announced that Lord Stonehaven, then Sir John Baird, had been appointed Governor-General of Australia, two or three Australian newspapermen in London were at a loss to line! the prospective G.-G. He had left his house and no official source had his address.

As a desperate forlorn chance it was decided to ring Mr. Amery personally—provided the line was not blocked by too many butlers and under-secretaries. “Who is speaking? ’’ his secretary asked. The pressman simply gave his own name—without any prefix such as Mister —as though if. would be quite familiar. The name happened to be the same as that of a prominent member of the Cabinet. When Mr. Amery came to the ’phone, and learned who called hiai, lit? went upstairs, got his own private diary, and gave Lord (Stonehaven's address.

A young man proposed to a girl and was accepted. After their first tender transports were over they fell into serious talk.

“Now that wc are engaged,” said the girl, “we must begin to economise. Promise me, darling, that you won’t do anything you can’t afford.” The young man laughed grimly. “If 1 promised you that,” he said, “I’d have to break off our engagement. ’ ’

On reaching the links one morning, Smith was accosted by his usual caddie. “Excuse me, sir,” said the lad, “but I’ve got the new ball we lost yesterday at the second. One of the village kids had it.” “Oh, good,” said Smith, putting his hand in his pocket. “I’ll give you whatever you gave for it.” “Er *. . . no thanks, sir,” said the

caddie hastily, “I gave a black eye for

A man arrested for drunkenness stated that on the. previous day he had visited twenty publichouses. -That’s a lot of tight places to be in.

Conductor: “What are you doing with those towels in your suitcase?”

Passenger (with presence 'of mind): “Oh, they are some I used the last time I was on this train. I had them washed and brought them back.”

Simkins, the .junior clerk, was looking very much on his dignity. As he came out of the manager’s private room he wore a look of offended pride, in which there was more than a suspicion of hauteur. f “Hello!” remarked one of his fellow juniors. “What’s the matter with you?” “The boss has said something to me which I resent.” explained the other. “If he does not apologise 1 shall leave.” “Oh, and what did he say?” was the nejft question. “Simkins, you’re sacked,” was the doleful rejoinder.

A talc from the links. A golfer who had driven a perfectly straight ball could not find it, and seeing a lad skulking near at hand charged him with theft. The boy denied the charge, but after some argument produced the missing ball. Just then an irritable player earning along behind shouted out. “Fore there!” whereupon the young culprit disgorged another three balls.

A stranger entered a church in the middle of a sermon and seated Himself in tlie back jiew. After a while he began to fidget. Leaning over to the white-haired man at his side, he whispered: “How long has he been preaching?” “Thirty or forty years, I think,” the old man'answered. “'I don’t know exactly. ’ ’

“I’ll stay then,” decided the stranger. “He must be nearly done.

The tired business man came home vfter a long day at the office. The family gathered for dinner. The tired business man bowed his head to ask the blessing and all was quiet. “This is Mr. Jones speaking,” he be-

The touring theatrical company were rehearsing “The Merchant of Venice,” in which the part of Antonio was played by a more than usually skinny actor. After the rehearsal was over, Shylock drew the stage manager aside. “I say,” lie whispered, “you’ll have to get some other person to play the part of Antonio, you know. Every time I demand my pound of flesh the audience will burst, into laughter.”

A young man lay groaning and writhing on a country road when up ran a constable and proceeded to investigate. but all he could get. out of the sufferer was “I ate one too! I ate one too!”

“Foison!” was the constable’s diagnosis, and, mindful of his training, he pro. ured an emetic. Between convulsions. the patient managed to ask the reason for such treatment, and, on his being told and asked what he had eaten he became most abusive. “What did I eat?” he cried. “Why, you idiot,. ‘I 812’ is the number of the car that knocked me down!”