HOTCH-POTCH

Hawera Star, Volume XLVI, 23 April 1927, Page 7

HOTCH -POTCH

Vid-let: What -shall Ido with this old clothing,-sir? Philanthropist: Give it to the Near East Relief. Vialet: And those old books and magazines ? Philanthropist: The Salvation Army. Valet: And shall 1 throw away these old pen points? Philanthropist: No, no. (live ’em to the Post Office Department.

First Club Member: “Hallo! Using one of those new-style ladies’ umbrellas?” -Second Member: “Yes; a pigeon’s head. I thought it might retain some of that homing instinct.”

Charlie: Why do you call this a map of the world ? I thought it was a photograph of your sweetheart. Clarence. It is. She is all the world to me.

Daughter: He says ho thinks I’m the nicest girl in town. Shall 1 a-sk him to call ?

Mother: No, dear; let him keep on thinking ,so.

Brown: My daughter ib to be married to-morrow. White: Is that so? Who is the lucky man? Brown : 1 am, by golly.

MeAndrew : Hooray—tlie wind has changed! Wife : Well, what- of it ? McAnd-rew: Ye ken the doctor said ye wanted a- change of air.

Father: So you wish to marry my daughter, eli ? ‘ You believe, young man, that you could support a- family? Suitor: ‘Well—er—that is—you -see, -sir, I was only reckoning on Ellen, but I suppose‘if it’s necessary I can take care of the rest of you, too.

A. Sunday school teacher had been lecturing her class on virtue- and its subsequent- reward. “Now, tell me,” she said, “what sort of people will wear the biggest crowns when they go to Heaven?” “Them- with the biggest, heads, answered her brightest pupil.

“Is that 3;our cia-r?’.’ -bellowed the tia-ffic cop. “Well, officer, -since you ask me, considering the fact- that I -still have fifty payments to make, owe three repair bills, and haven’t settled for the new tires. I reallv don’t think it is.”

Brown, whose- son was a budding musician, was telling hi-s friend how well the boy was getting on with his music. “Why,” -he said, “only the other day he spent two- hours on sixteen bars.” ' “Oh, that’s- nothing,” replied his friend, whose brother wa-s a policeman, “I know a man who spent- ten years, on one beat.”

The school concert had begun. Four little girls- were dressed to represent the word “Star,” and each had one letter of that word pinned on to her sniowy white ilresfi. Eiach letter began the verse- of u touching little -song. “Now,” said the teacher, “.form yourselves in position, and wait until the curtain goes up.” The little girls did as they were told, and -while the piano played the accompaniment the curtain went up. Instead of applause to greet the little girts, howls from the audience met them. The word they spelled was “Rats.

There wa-s great excitement in Tootway. A new store had opened, and it was to be run on the lines of those threepenny and sixpenny shops. The store was owned by a man named Cohen. One day a woman came in, chose a. toy, and put sixpence in the proprietor's- hand. “Excuse me, madam,” -said Cohen, “but the toys are ninepence.” “But 1 thought this was a threepenny and sixpenny store,” protested the- customer. “Veil, madame, I leave it to you, was the reply. “How much is threepence and sixpence?”

Mr. Martin was- talking at the dinner table in his usual manner about the inconsistency of woman. “These girls who protest they are never going to- marry!” he -broke out. “Everybody knows they will -belie their own words at- the first opportunity. He paused, and evidently hoped that Mns Martin would come to- the lescue of her sex. But that discreet woman held her tongue. “Why, Mary,” he continued, “.you remember how it was with yourself. I have heard you say more than once that you wouldn’t marry the best man alive.” . .

“Well, 1 didn’t,” said Mrs Martin

The house had been rapidly built and occupied. “Ho you find the place comfortable and .substantially built?” a-sked the landlord when he called. “Well,” said the tenant. “1 always go outside to sneeze.”

Mrs Newlywed (proudly): Just think Charles -has gone to- address a gathering. Friend: I didn’t- know he was a speech maker. “Nor I; but he told me he’d been called upon to make a statement before a meeting of his creditors.”

The absent-minded professor was taking a walk. As usual, he was reading a book as lie went along. A motor-car passed him, driven by a young man, who called out: “Gan I give you a lift, -sir?’.’ The professor came bo earth with a jar, looked up from his book and replied: “No. thank you very much. You see it would be not use to me. as 1 live in a bungalow.”

Little Doris: My big sister’s 24. Young man : She told me she was 20. “Oh, I ’spect she didn’t learn to count till-she was four.” The father surprised the music teacher kissing his daughter. “What is this, sir? Is this what 1 pay you for?” “No, sir, I do this free of charge.” Sandy (at the pictures): X say, ineester, will ye tickle me when the funny picture comes, on? His neighbour: What’s the idea ? Sandy : I’ll no’ hae it yaid a Scotsman has nae sense of humour. Theatrical Agent : Here’s a part for you. Could you do the landlord in “The Lady of Lyons?”- Actor: I think so. I’ve done a good many landlords in my time. Cook: I can’t break the ice, wa’.ain — what’ll Ido ? Mistress (sweetly) : Just pretend it’s a di<di. “I was uneasy while down town, ’ said the absent-minded man. “I was sure I went out without an umbrella.’’ “You did.” “But here I have one.”