HOTCH-POTCH

Hawera Star, Volume XLVI, 5 February 1927, Page 13

HOTCH-POTCH

Magistrate: “You are .sentenced- to two months in prison. Have you anything to say? Prisoner: “Yes, sir. Mill you please telephone my wife that I shall not he home for dinner. Husband: “What a splendid dinner you have to-night.” Wife (complacently): “Ye>s, dear; I thought it would please you.” 'Husband: “What kind of a dress are you thinking of getting?” Amateur Golfer: “Caddie, I’ve discovered what I’ve been doing wrong. I’ve been standing too near the ha l l as I strike it.” His Caddie: “I don’t think that’s what’s wrong, sir. You’re too near the ball after you’ve struck it.” The Colonel : “And what does your father do for a living, my hoy?” Caddie: “’Aren’t got a father. Only a stepfather.” Caddie: ‘”E ain’t- done nothing since we’ve had ’im.” First Recruit: “Say! What’.s the idea of abusing your gun like that? The sergeant said- treat- it as you woulu your life.” , , , , Second Recruit: “Oh! I thought- be said wife.” The notice in the rooms of hotels which reads: “Have you-left anything, should he changed to “Have you anything left?” “Did you tell father over thei ’phone that we were engaged?” “Yes.” “What did he reply?” “I’m not sure whether he replied or whether the line was struck by lightning.” The motor-bus was proceeding in a rather jerky manner, when a young woman passenger said: “What’s wrong with the car?” , “The engine misses, replied the conductor. . ~ The young woman smiled. How aia you know I was married?” she asked. She: “Funny, isn’t it—the bridegroom looks troubled, but father of the bride is all smiles.” . He: “Yes. It is better to give than to receive!’ Mr Jones: “Your husband has given up smoking. That needed a strong will!” Mrs Smith: “Yes. I have one!” Doctor: “You must .leave off drinking wine to cure your red nose! You must drink milk for a year!” Air Soak: “I have already dons' so lor two years!” „ . Doctor: “Indeed! When?’ Mr Soak: “The first two years ol my life!”-

Modem Girl: “Are there any fashions in that paper, Daddy ? Father: “Yes, dear. But they woulan’t interest you. It’s yesterday s paper.” ' Wilfred: “Did you give your wife that- lecture on economy you said you were going, to ?” Matthew: “Yes, I did.” Wilfred: “Have any effect. Matthew: “Ye-ee, I’ve got to make my last year’s suit do for this year. Airs Citye: “I wrote to the paper to find how long cows- .should foei milked. Friend: “And they said?” Mrs Citye: “Just like short ones. Mother (to little boy playing, bareheaded, in hot- sun): “Come ere, ’Arold, and put your ’at- on it you ’adn’t- got one you’d always he wetirm it, you're that- contrary!” Doctor: “Your hue-hand’s not‘SO well to-day, Mrs Maloney. Is he .sticking to the simpVi diet I prescribed > Mrs At.: “He is not, sorr. _ He- says he’ll not be after starvin' himself t-o death just for -the sake of Irvin a tew years longer!’ Two stage hands were discussing variety turns. , “I don’t like those Apache dancing acts,” said one, “where -the guy drags the dame all over the place by the hair of her head.” “Oh, I like them acts,” the other replied. “After one of them the stage is so easy to sweep.” “Sir, I would like to marry your daughter.” . “What’s your occupation?” “Wireless announcer.” “Take her. You’re the first man who ever said good-night and meant it. “’Oh, Cook is too funny for anything,” exclaimed Airs Newlywed,_ returning from the kitchen to. the diningroom where hubby was waiting hungrily for his evening meal. “The cooking sherry is all gone, and she’s trying to knit herself a jumper out of spaghetti.

Little Willie was sizing up the new visitor. “So you’re my grandma, are you?” he asked. “Yes, dear, on your mother’s side. “Well,” replied the boy, “you’re on the right side all right.”

“How did your dramatic tour sue-CC’G-cl P J 5 “Well, whenever we played tragedy the .receipts were a- farce, and when we played farce, the receipts were at tragedy.’i He (at big house dance): “I made a,u •awful faux pas just now. I told ai mail I tlionglit- tJio host must bo & st old blighter to give -a dance, without champagne—and it was the -host! She: “You mean my husband! The son of the house- had made a. name for himself at football at- bis college, and bis- experiences were dascus®oiF one evening at- dinner, when the minister was a guest. “You know, Jack,” put in the pastor. “athletics are all very good m their way, but your .studies are more important.” “That’s what -father says, too,” replied Jack. “But -father never gets up and cheers when he hears me quoting Latin like he does when hv sees me score a goal.” Ardent Suitor: “This ring I offer you is a .symbol of the love. .1. bear for you. It has no end !” Haughty Damsel: “It- is also a- --ymhnl of the love I bear for you—-it hasno beginning!” Mother: “Oh, don’t you think we had better send for the doctor? Johnny says he feels, so -bad.” Father: “Oh, he’s felt had ilike this before -and got over it-.” Mother (anxiously): “Yes, dear, but never cm a -half-holiday!”