HOTCH-POTCH

Hawera Star, Volume XLVI, 18 September 1926, Page 18

HOTCH-POTCH

“Oh, George!” the sweet young thing suddenly gasped. “What would mother say if she saw . you kissing me?” “But-—er —-I’m not kissing you, you know'!” the unprogressive fellow' stammered in startled astonishment. “No,” the fair maiden reluctantly admitted. . “You’re not ; but 1 was”.just wondering what she’d say it she were to see you.”

Gladstone was breakfasting with Father Hciilv. The talk turned to theology. “Xow. listen to this,” said Gladstone. “When I was abroad_ I saw- on the door of a church an inscription saying that an indulgence of a thousand years was to be purchased- for a. franc. One- franc! What do you say to that, Father?” “An wasn’t it .dirt cheap?” asked Hcaly.

An old uegress went to a prison governor in Tennessee and said; “Massa, we’s mighty por this winter., and All wish you would pardon m al: ’usband. ” “What was he put in for?” “’Stead of workin’ fo ’ it, that good-fo’-nothin ’ fellow done stole some bacon. ” “If he’s .good for nothing, why you want him back?” ‘'Well, you see, we’s out of bacon agin.” ’

Booth Tarkington. the author, was in Naples, during an eruption of Vesuvius. “You’ve nothing like that in America, have you?” said an Italian friend of his with obvious pride. “No.” replied Tarkington, “we haven’t. But we’ve got Niagara Falls, anH they’d put. the d —— d thing out in five minutes.”

Girl: They sav that a single fish will -lay from one to eight million eggs a year. , ■ Lige.-.And I suppose the married ones will lay twice as many. Teacher: When was Rome built? Boy: At night. Teacher: Who told you that? Boy: You did. lou said Rome wasn’t built in a day. Farina: We have a new baby at our house. . . .

Mary: Is he giong to stay? Farina: He’s got to. He hasn’t anything with him but his night shirt.

“Mother,” said little Bobby,, bursting into the house, “there’s going to be the deuee to pay down at the grocer’s. His wife has got a baby girl, and he’s had a ‘Boy Wanted’ sign in his window' for a week. ” Sunday school teacher: And when the prodigal son came home, what, happened, Tommy? Tommy: His father ran to meet him -and hurt himself. Sunday school teacher: Why, where did you get that? y Tommy: It said his father ran and fell on-his neck. I bet it would.hurt you to fall" on your neck.

Two Scotsmen decided to become teetotallers, but McGregor thought it would be best to keep one bottle in case of an illness. The whisky was bought and put in a place agreed upon. . After three days Sandy could bear it no longer, and ho said, “McGregor, I am ill.” “To late,” said McGregor. [“I was ill all day yesterday.’ ’ 1

Jones had retired from business and had started farming. His former office manager,, who had been brought on a farm and now much preferred city life, went out to see liow Jones was getting on. -

“When you go out to \feed the pigs,” he "saicl, “I want to go with vou. ”

“This is not the day for feeding the pigs.” . “What do you mean?” inquired the visitor in . surprise. “Don’t you feed them every day?”

“No, every other day,” was the explanation; “how else will I get the layer of fat and the layer of lean that the wife wants in the bacon?”

Two anecdotes of more than usual merit wero current in London When the last mail loft. A man who received a postcard about eight and. a half years after its due date of delivery wrote to the Postmaster-General (at that time Mr Samuel) to congratulate him on having delivered it within nine years. Mr Samuel wrote personally to thank him for his courtesy, and to explain that .he had no doubt his correspondent’s satisfaction was due to “our new .system, under which the\ Postmaster-General personally accompanies every postcard to its destination.”” The other story is an echo bf Boat Pace Saturday. On the previous Thursday this notice was posted in a large office in the city:— “Owing to the high mortality among grandmothers at the period of the Boat Race, tin? office will be closed on Saturday, except for a nucleus staff drawn from those whose bereavements occurred, on the day of the England v. Scotland football match at Twickenham.” '

. Sydney Smith once said: “Tin:, British Army ought never to leave England—except in a ease of actual invasion. ” An American cartoonist was introduced to Mr Taft. “So you’re the man.” said Taft laughingly, “who has been taking liberties, with my face.” “Guilty” said-the, cartoonist. “Your face, you see, is my fortune. ’ ’ .Tames Iv. Hackett, the. American* actor. told flie)' story of a meeting tween two actors. “How’s Jim?” 1 , asked one. “Dead.” said the other. “Dead?”. “Yes. Pelted to death with eggs at Cape Town.” “But eggs don’t kill, man.” ' “Ostrich eggs do. ”

Mother: “Here’s the doctor dear.” Small Invalid: “But, mummy, I don’t want to seer the doctor. Can ’t'you say I’m too ill to see'him?”

“I wouldn’t be a fool if I were you, ’ ’ said Jones to a friend. “If you were me you wouldn’t be a fool, ’ ’ was the reply.

Young Husband: “It does seem to me you might learn how to cook better than that. My mother ” Young Wife: “There —that will do. On principle I refrain from learning how to cook.” “Oh, you do—-thinking of me, of course!”" “No. of mv son.” “Son?” “Yes; I don’t intend h--shall ever make any nice girl miserable by bragging about my cooking.”

It was at breakfast, and little Nelly, who was a, chatterbox, had (scarcely ceased, talking. “Nelly., dear,” said her grandmamma, “you talk too mjtch. You don’t find me talking every minute.” “No, gran’ma; but you know you’ve lived a good deal longer tl I have, and have had time to get most of the talk out of you,” ans\yered Nelly.' '