HOTCH-POTCH

Hawera Star, Volume XLV, 6 March 1926, Page 18

HOTCH-POTCH

Miss Deary: “I wonder wliy it is that a man is so timid when he proposes.” Bachelor: ”1 suppose it is one of his guardian angels holding him back.” “I talked with a very interesting man to-day. He was a Buddhist.” "Oh, L’d love to meet him—all my geraniums are wilting.” Ethel: "Jean declares that she never had a proposal, yet she says her face is her fortune. ’ ’ Maudie: "Gracious! It must be one of those unclaimed fortunes we read about. ’’ "Dad, what does 'diplomatic phraseology-' mean?” "Mv son, if you tell a girl that time stands still when you gaze into, her eyes, that's diplomacy. But if you tell her that her face would stop a clock, you’re in for it.” Policeman: "You say you won this cup when you was at Oxford. But why do you keep it in this ’ere sack?” Burglar; "Just sentiment. It happened to be for a sack race.” "What is a diplomat, father?” "Diplomacy, my boy, means doing or saying the right thing at the right time. ’ ’ "Well, then, I’m a diplomat.” "How is that?” "Last night, when mother came in with castor oil, she didn’t put the light on,'so I rolled Bobby into my place in bed, and rolled him'back again before she came to the other side.” Love, the quest: marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest. "Oli, yes; when I was in London I was enthusiastically received in court circles. ” "What was the charge against you?’ She (who had just refused him): "You don’t seem very upset!” He (airilv): "Oh, dear, no! —that was only a rehearsal. I’m trying my luck with one of the Goldstein girls later on!” " [ want a summons against my husband for threatening to throw me out,’’ said a woman at a local police court. "You can’t have one,” answered- the magistrate. ‘‘lt isn’t an offence.” "Isn’t it?” retorted the woman.i "Then I’ll go straight back and throw him out. ” Mrs. Brown rejoiced in her first banking account. When she was paying in for the first- time she came to the word "specie” op the slip. She thought for a moment, and then entered against it —‘' Female 7 7 ! "Yes,” said the proud mother, "baby has got his father’s hair.” "Oh,” replied the visitor with a glance at the father’s bald head, "I’m glad you kept it in the family.”

Gouty M.P. (to young man who has asked fox' his daughter’s hand): "I deeply regret, sir, that I am not at present in a position to give you a decided answer! ’ ’

The Convivial One (feeling some excuse necessary for his dishevelled appearance): “Yesh, in’dear —been held up by two blackguards!” Wife: ‘ ‘ H’m! I quite believe you — all the way home, too!” “Whore are you going, George-?” ”l’m going to look up my family tree.” ‘ ‘ Watch you don’t get hit with a cocoanut. ” . The manager of the music-hall: “Ladies and gentlemen, I very much regret that at this performance ‘The Great Bolto’ will be unable to swallow the sword. He .has a fish-bone stuck in his throat. ’ ’ Fluffy Young Thing (at the play): “I believe this man in front of us is trying to hear what we’re saying.” Man in Front (turning round): “You do me an injustice, my. dear young lady. lam trying not to hear it.” “I’ve found a wonderful dentist,” a Scotsman told his friend. “Every time he extracts a tooth he gives his patient a drink to stimulate him.” “Then what are you so gloomy about?” asked the friend. “Did he run out of whisky?” “No; I ran out of teeth.” “I want 30 penny stamps,” said Mrs. Youngwed, “and please charge them to my account, because I have no change—— ” “We don’t do that, madam,’.’ replied the clerk in the post office. “The idea! Why not? We always get our stamps from you. ’ ’ Nell: “Charlie has acted very indifferently lately. I wonder if lie intends to marry me just for my money?” Clara: “Oh, I’m sure not, dear. I had a talk with hint this evening, and I am sure lie intends nothing of the kind.” Nell: “But what makes you so sure?” Clara: “Well, you see, he proposed to me!” The entire Brown family was attacked by poisoning. The doctor was called, and as soon as emergency treatment had been administered lie tried to find the source of the trouble. “Did you all eat something that had been left standing in tin?” ho asked. Mr. Brown thought hard for a moment. “By gosh,” he cried, “that’s just wliat we did. We had a picnic yesterday, and we left the lunch in the car all morning! ’ ’

Sol Marks and Abe Benjamin had always been rivals, first one then the other outdoing the other in the restaurant business. When they had resorted to every means of vicing with one another, and seemed to be running along at a (lead-heat, Sol took a plunge and leased a building directly across the street from his rival. He repainted its front and hung out a flaunting sign bearing the name of the new establishment. It was “Grand Cafe of the Two Hemispheres.” Abe was distraught when he saw the custom that surged into the new establishment, and, vowing not to be outdone, had his place repainted, and hung out an even more ostentatious sign. It was: “Grand Cafe of the Three Hemispheres.” In a millinery showroom a customer inquired of an assistant what they charged to clean feathers. “Sixpence each,” was the answer. “Oh, I could never pay that.price,” gasped the lady. “How many have you?” If you have a sufficient number, we might make a reduction in the price.” “Why, I have two beds full. ’ ’