HOTCH-POTCH

Hawera Star, Volume XLV, 16 January 1926, Page 18

HOTCH-POTCH

Wife (with newspaper): “Just thinkof it. A couple married the other day after a courtship which lasted fifty years.” Husband: “I suppose the poor old man was too feeble to hold out any longer.” A: “When you see a fellow in a motor-ear, with a fur coat, fur gloves, a mask over his eyes and nose, and a leather cap, what would you say?” B: “I should say that he was dressed to kill. ’ ’ “Yes,” said Mrs. Gadgett, proudly, < < vve can trace our ancestors back to — to —well, I don’t know exactly who, but we’ve been descending for centuries.” Tristan Bernard, a French humorist, began to smoke one day in a first-class railway carriage, and was asked by another .passenger not to do so. “I shall do what I like,” said Bernard, and the passenger called the guard and complained. The guard remonstrated with Bernard, reminding him that the carriage was a non-smoker. “First of all ask this gentleman to show you his ticket,’’ said Bernard. The ticket proved to be a secondclass one, and the passenger was turned out. Later, a neighbour asked Bernard how lie knew that the man had a second-class ticket, “It was in his waistcoat pocket, and I saw that it was the same colour as mine,”, answered Bernard. An army officer was showing some ladies round a camp when a bugle sounded. “What’s that for?” one asked. “That’s a tatoo,” the officer explained. . “Oh, I understand,” said the lady. “I’ve often seen it on soldiers’ arms, but I didn’t know that they had a special time for doing it.” A certain village club had organised a cricket match for two days. Great preparations were made, and the services of a local umpire were requisitioned. All went well, but worse luck, both teams had nearly concluded their innings by lunch time, and on resuming play, several successful “legs-before-wieket, catches and outs,” took place, but to each appeal the umpire answered “No ball!”, At last, infuriated by their constant appeals, he shouted, “It ain’t no good trying! This ’ere match has gotten last out two days. I own that refreshment tent over there!” DRASTIC TREATMENT. Tommy’s mother had made him a present of a toy shovel, and sent him to the nursery to play with his baby brother. “Take care of baby, now, and don’t let anything hurt him,” said his mother. Presently screams of anguish from the baby sent the distracted parent flying upstairs. “For goodness sake, Tommy, what has happened to baby?” she said, trying to soothe the wailing infant. “There was a naughty fly biting him on the top of his head and I killed it with the shovel,” was the proud reply. “ Losh! men, but young Rob’s wife is a gey threefty soul.” “What has she been daein’ the noo?” “Daein’? Rob has gotten a painfu’ bit powk ,on his cheek, and when I •cacd at hfs hoo.se the ither niclit his wife Elspeth was baud in’ the wee kettle' tat 1 his face. ’ ’ “What for?’” “The lass had brocht the water to the boil without-using coal.” j He was a tall, sunburned youth, j “The shooting in Scotland this summer was not up to what it has been,” he nonchalantly remarked to the admiring office force who clustered about him. “The grouse, pheasants and I partridge have been exceedingly elusive. 5 They tell me that they have not I had a very successful season at Monte ! Carlo, while bathing at Nice has been j excellent. The Canadian Rockies liavi been glorious, though Lake Louise and Banff are becoming just a little ‘ lowbrow, if you know what I mean.” ‘ ‘ Who is this sunburned, welltravelled, cosmopolitan young man?” I inquired of the office boy. “Who is he?” “That’s Gus Spivis,” answered the office boy. “He’s our shipping eloik, and he’s just back from u ten-day vacation up in the Catskill Mountains.” She (anxious to impress): “I’ve just put my furs into cold storage!” The Fool: “Cold storage! Ha! —jolly good—never heard it called that before; my cuff links and watch arc there too. ” •‘Alice,” said Mrs Grouchy, ‘‘l don’t like the ooks of that man who called to see vou last night.” ‘•Well, well,” replied Alice, “ain’t it icimy, majim? He said the same about you.” The whole of Sffish-in-t’he-Mu-d h-ad been grumbling about the general rockiness cl the local .railway. It made sailors home on leave sea-sick. But one day, to everybody’s surprise, the train ran quite smoothly for a mi'e or two. A man in the last carriage hung out and excitedly asked the guard the reason. ' . , “Hush!” cautioned the official “Don’t tell anyone, we’ve been off the track!” Young Man : “Miss Jones -at home?” Maid : “I’m afraid .she’s —er —in negligee now, -sir.” “Well, can you give me the- address —I may be-going to France myself next week.”