HOTCH-POTCH

Hawera Star, Volume XLV, 14 November 1925, Page 20

HOTCH-POTCH

The Parson—" Bilkins, why don’t you renounce the devil?” Bilkins—“l don’t want him against me—may have to spend a lot of time with him some day.”

First Soldier —"Once about 10 of the enemy attacked me, and I killed the lot of them and escaped.” Second Soldier—- " That’s nothing. I had my boss shot from underneath me in the battle of Jutland.”

Angry Tenant —"The walls of my house are all bulging outwards. What are you going to do about it?” Landlord—" Bulging outwards! That makes tho house bigger. I must raise the rent.”

Maiden Aunt—" And what's brought you to Auckland, Billy?” Country Nephew—"l came up to town to see the sights, so I thought I’d call on you first.”

Customer—" Have you pillow cases here?” "Yes, sir. What size?” "I really don’t know, but I wear a size seven hat.”

Husband—" Didn’t I telegraph you not to bring your mother with you?” Wife—" That’s what she wants to see you about. ”

During a late commercial panic, a manufacturer in the West of Scotland was met by a friend who inquired very anxiously how his affairs were looking in the present threatening crisis. "Oh. they’re looking black enough,” said the manufacturer, disconsolately; "I owe five thousand pounds and I have not five thousand pence to pay it with.” "Od, that’s awfu’!” said his simple interlocutor, naively; “mon, I wonnci\ ye can sleep in your bed at nicht. don’t see what’s to hinder me to sleep in my bed,” replied the manufacturer, ‘ ‘ hut I mony a time wonner that my creditors can sleep in theirs.”

A young curate rushing for his train was greatly perturbed to see his bishop walking ou in front. Knowing he he would be delayed if recognised, lie tried to hurry past, but all to no purpose. “There is' no need to hurry,” said the bishop. “I am going on that train myself, so we can travel together.” However, they arrived at the station just in time to miss the train. The bishop, seeing the young man was very annoyed, tried to sootli him, and, pulling out his watch, remarked, “I sannot understand our being • late, as I had great faith in my watch.” Yes, niy lord,” replied the curate, “but faith alone is not sufficient; you must also have good works.”

A fond mother was exhibiting, with great pride her flapper daughter to the new lector of a church in Harrogate, recently. “My daughter,” said the mother, “could* dress herself when she was but three years old.” “Well, er, do you think,” asked the rector shyly, “that her ability in that direction will ever return?”

Fare (to cabby)—"How do you manage to keep yourself, dry in this wet weather? Don’t you wear a waterproof?” Cabby—"Na, na, sir; I just tak‘ a salt herriu ’ in the mornin’ afore I come oot, and it keeps me dry a’ day.”

An Irishman presented himself at a police court, and, addressing the magistrate, said: “Your Honor, the waterpipe’s bursted in my cellar and drow-ned all the cocks and hens. What’ll I do?” The magistrate replied that lie was sorry, and suggested that the applicant should see the water company. .Sure, your Honor, I’ve been,” returned Pat,“and they said' I was a fool to keep cocks and hens —I ought to have kept ducks. ’ ’

“No more will I hear him arrive on the doorstep just as the clock strikes seven—” “Gracious, Dorothy! ” “And the ‘hall light will never burn low for him again.” “You don’t mean it?” “I do. He will never sit on the sofa three nights a week and call me pet names, as he has been doing for two years. And to-night I am going to burn all the love-letters!” “You’re giving him up?” “Giving him up? Why no: I’m going to marry him.”

Farmer —“Hi, there! Can’t you see that sign, ‘No fishing on these grounds?’ ” Rastus —“Co’se I kin see it; but I ain’t so ig’rant as ter fish on no grounds. I’s fishin’ in do pond.” *

Mrs Hunt. —“As soon as I begin to play the piano my husband puts on his hat and goes out. Mrs Palmer: “Do you think, my dear, that’s the reason why he gave you the piano?”

‘‘l thought you said thi s horse was a jumper,” remarked the woman io whom the dealer had been- trying to sell the horse for three hours. “So he is,” said the dealer. “Well, he must have come unknit.”

Sybil.—“ Why are you engaged to four men at once?” Teresa. —“Well, ■Dick has such a lot of money, Fred is a heavenly dancer,'Walter is a marvel at love-making, and Roy—well—l think I’m going to marry Rov.”

Dobson. —“IJow many years have you been married?” Hobson. —“I haven't been married a year yet.” “What? Of course you have.” “Well, my wife was 24 when we were married, and now she says she’s still 24.”

Customer.—“l don’t quite know what I want, but it must be something suitable for a birthday present.’> Shopwalker.— “We’l, sir, this store can supply anything from a pin to an aeroplane. ” Customer.—“Ah, of course. Perhaps you could show me something between the two.”

Counsel.—“ Now, sir, tell me, are you well acquainted with the prisoner?” Witness. —“I’ve known him for 20 years.” “Have you ever known him to be a disturber of the pub’ie peace?” “Well—er —he used to belong to a band.”

The gardener of a large house one day approached the butler. “Mortimer.” he exclaimed, “you might point this chap Darwin out to me the next time lie comes to dinner.” “Darwin, Darwin,” echoed the butler, looking pernlexed. “Yes. Darwin. I happened to hear his lordship say the other day that every time he looks at me his mind goes back to Darwin.”