HOTCH-POTCH

Hawera Star, Volume XLV, 26 September 1925, Page 18

HOTCH-POTCH

The man who. says what lie likes will bear a great many tilings he dislikes.

“Now, children,” said the teacher, “I am going to'tell you about the hippopotamus, but you will have no idea what it is like unless you pay strict attention and look at me!”

“Oh, Dad, when you refused my hand To Dick,” said pretty* Annabelle, “Did he fall on his knees and plead?” Said Dad: “I don’t know where he fell. ’ ’

Teacher: So we have a White Sea, a Red . Sea, a Black Sea, and a Yellow Sen. Murphy, show them on the map. Murphy: I can’t sir; I’m colour blind.

Airs. Severn: “Yes, my husband goes out each evening tor a little constitutional. l)oos yours?”

Mrs. .Takes: “No, he always keeps a drop of it in the house.”

■Young Housekeeper: I want a piece of meat without any bone, fat, or gristle. Bewildered Butcher: Madam, I think you’d better have an egg.

‘ ‘ Have you heard that Muriel is taking violin lessons?” “Ridiculous! The poor girl hasn’t the slightest ear for music.” “No—but someone told her she had beautiful elbows. ’’

Dulcie: “Tom fell at my feet the moment he saw me!” Dorethy: "Stumbled over them, I suppose?’’

Indignant ProTessor Ho student)

"Well, if you’re not sure of some points, ask me questions on the subject.”

Student: “But I don't know enough about it to ask questions.”

Teacher: ‘‘Can any boy tell me the earliest -reference in history' to a theatre?” Tommy: “Yes, teacher; we read in tiie Bible, that Joseph, was taken from the family circle and put, into . the p.t.”

A Scotsman went to the grocer's for some eggs. “How much are the.se eggs?” he asked. “Twopence halfpenny each,’.’, answered the boy; “ a penny the cracked cues.” “Crack me a dozen,’' said the Scotsman. A certain well-known .coursing man believes in punctuality, and on the occasion of his visit to the Waterloo Cup meeting he so .impressed the hotel “boots” with the importance of calling him early that the lad felt that desperate measures were necessary. - So at an run earthly hour there was a prodigious hammering on the don 14 and a voice called loudly: “Parcel for you, sir!” Wondering ml vat the parcel could be, he took’it in, auul sitting on his bed, tnvwrapped., it. It contained a neatly printed placard: “Why don’t you get up ” Ethel: Mv new teacher is. awfully mean. Mother: Hush! You mustn’t say that. Ethel: Well, she is. What do you think? She borrowed my knife to sharpen a.pencil to give me a bad mark with!

The young man paused attentively in the act of removing his coat, and glanced towards the hostess. “It’s my daughter breaking into song,’’ she exclaimed proudly. / “Yes, she sounds as if she were breaking in, as she obviously cannot find the key,’’ came the cynical reply.

“Yes, John,” began Mrs. Jones, “as I was salving, Miss Blank has no manners. Why, while I was talking to her this morning she yawned eleven times.” “Perhaps, my dear, she wasn’t yawning; she might have wanted to -say something,” 'replied her husband.

The owner of a- racing car was driving along a country road one day when he passed am old farmer, -and being of-a kid-ly disposition, he ottered him a lift. His! -passenger was tremendously impressed by the speed and luxury of the car, and itjo humour the old fefiow the driver -pushed down the accelerator, until they were going a.t 00 miles an hour. Suddenly, however, they came upon -a- greasy patch of road; the ear .skidded crazily, and then crashed into a tree. By good luck neither'of the occupants . was injured. The farmer pulled himself calmly out of the ruins, filled his pipe, and then remarked thoughtfully, “That sartinly was fine, sir, but there’s one thing that baffles me, Flow do you, stop her when thar ain’t no trees about?”

It was the >sec.on,d day that the shipwrecked crew had been adrift in the open boat, and, sad to relate, the hearts o.f some were beginning to sink. There was one, -however, who refused to be despondent. He sang nearly a 111 the time, and tried to crack jokes with the chief mate. Suddenly lie jumped up .in the boat, causing it to rock frantically. “What’s that?” lie shouted excitedly, pointing into the far distance. “Issn’t that land over there?” The. mate’s gaze followed the pointing linger hopefully, but the light died out of hisi eyes als he said, dejectedly: “No", that’s not land. It’s only the horizon.” “Well, hang it,” said the optimist, bending to hits oar, “that’s better than nothing. .Let's pull.”

Dean Hole msecl to t-ell. of a North Country -clergyman’s rebuke of certain of his parishioners who rarely if ever attended church., thinking they made up for it by the regular atte.nda.noe of their wives. He related how one of these husbands oaime to the gates ot Paradise, and St. Peter," who stood there with the keys, rather roughly inquired, “Who are you?” “Oh, St. Peter! I’an Mr. Smith, from Leeds.” “I don’t know you.” “Oh, if you please, St. Peter, I’m the husband of Mms. Smith, who went regularly to church and taught in the Sunday school, and was kind to the poor.” “Why did you not do likewise ” “Oh, St. Peter, I was in business all the week, and very tired on Sunday, and I thought if Mrs. Smith went to church regularly it would do for both of us.” “Your wife.” said St. Peter, “was a true, faithful Christian. She oame to these gates three years ago, and she has gone in—for both of vou!”