HOTCH-POTCH

Hawera Star, Volume XLVIII, 14 February 1925, Page 12

HOTCH-POTCH

The lady (describing disagreement with another lady)—“So I sez to ‘er, ‘Pansv ’ Isseverz —‘ver calls yerself Pansy! --well', wot i calls yer is Chimpanzee, with hall the ’abits and hinstmks of sich.’ ”

A voting man walked into a jeweller’s shop aiiu-ftnng the beautiful diamond rinor he carried on to the counter. “What on earth have you done to this nag?” he inquired angrily. “Wiiv, sir, aren’t you. pleased with it ' asked the jeweller, puzzled. “Pleased with it!” snorted the young man. “I told you to engrave on it •From A to Z’ —from Arthur to Zena —and you’ve put in the whole alphabet!”

Two gentlemen were fishing on the Tweed, but it was a very bad day for this sport. However, they had only spent about 20 minutes when a goodsizecl fish was landed, and as it is i the custom to give tlie gillie a drink when a catch takes plaec, the flask was duly produced and handed .to “William.”. Taking the flask, wjjich held nearly a pint, he commenced to drink, and the gentleman, noticing that his flask was going to be emptied, remarked: “William! had ye no’ better leave some for the next fish?” William, however, finished the lot, and then replied. “Man, sir, I dinna think it’s likelv there will be another catch the day.” „

When the holiday season was in full swing, Mr. Bliggins had a scheme whereby a house might be left perfectly safe from marauding burglars. In spite of that his friend, Mr. Higgins, met him recently looking very downcast. “What’s wrong?” queried Higgins. “Oh. everything!” groaned Mr. Bliggins. “You remember my scheme for keeping off burglars. Well, the secret of it was to leave a gas jet turned on so that any burglar who entered would be asphyxiated by the fumes.” “Didn’t it work, then?” “Oh, yes, it worked well enough—too well. The burglar came /in with a lighted match, and we haven’t been able to find him or the house since!”.

Jones was a happy father. So, too, was .Smith. They were discussing their offspring. J.—“ Can yours talk yet?” S. —“No, lie’s beginning to, though.” .J.—“ Bit backward, isn’t he? Ours is a month younger and he talks splendidly.” S. — “Well, ours can walk across the room without being held.” J. — “Ary dear fellow, ours toddles down to the station every evening to meet me. How about teeth?” S. —“Just a few.” J.—“ Ours has' got *llll but three and

—” This was too much for Smith. “I say, old man,” he snapped, “does he use a safety razor or a cut-throat?”

A distressed parent favoured the police with the following description of a runaway daughter, who was supposed to have eloped :—“Tall, £nir. and three or four years younger than she looks.”

“I think cooking is a woman’s work,” said the young wife. “Yes,” replied her husband, piisfiiTfg aivayliis share of the Christmas turkey; “and 1 hear that woman’s work is never done.”

Mr. Black—“ls there any old discarded toothbrush about the house, -(jear? 1 want v for my typewriter!” Mrs. Black—“ The idea! Why don’t you pay the poor girl enough so she can afford to buy a new one?”

The Sphere tells of a Scottish boy in an English school who, when he was asked where Shakespeare was born, promptly replied, “In Scotland, sir/’ “What makes you think Shakespeare was a Scotsman?’” said the schoolmaster. “Because of his abeelitv, sir!” was the reply. *

After living .in a house for something under a week. Mitchell took the key back to the agent “What’s wrong?” demanded the agent. < ‘lsn’t the house good enough for you?” “It’s too good, mister,” was the reply. “That’s just it-—it’s too good.” “AYhat do you mean?” “Well, the wall is a-weeping for the sins of the roof, which being jerry-built and teetotal, takes nowt but water. Every chimney’s a non-smoker, and the', ’ouse ain’t no place for a* hordinary sinner.”

“All my life I’ve been unfortunate —when stilt a child. I was left an orphan!” “What did you do with it?”

To The Thin.—“ Don’t eat fast.” To The Fat— “Don’t eat. Fast.”

Mrs. Ford — “Mv husband has become very bard to please.” Mrs. Shaw — “It’s a good thing for you, my dear, chat he was not always that way.”

“Take out a policy. One customer got her arm broke the other day, and we paid her 500 dollars. A’on may he the lucky one to-morrow^” —From an udvt. quoted by the Kansas City Star.

Airs. Skantboard (proudly)—“Nothing goes to waste in this house! I make hash of everything that’s left over-.” Airs. Slimtable (musingly)— ■‘But what do you do with the hash that’s left over?” Mrs. Skantboard—“Rehash it.”

Proprietor of Summer Hotel. — “Now, over there is the ocean.” Advt.'Writer —“AYhere I don’t see any ocean.” Proprietor—“ You don’t? My dear sir, Pm afraid your- not the man we want to write the advertisements.”

A negro minister discovered two men .playing cards on Sunday—and for monev. “Rnstiis,” said the minister, “don’t you know it’s wrong to play 'aids on de Sabbath?” “Yes. passon,’’ answered Rastus ruefully. “But, believe me, ah’s payin’ foh mall sins.” “You sav that your friend speculated on a large scale,” remarked the waggish one. “Alav I enquire what, was the use of the large scale?” “Certainlv,” replied the cheerful guy. “He nepded it’ to weigh the consequences.”