HOW TO CURE IT.

Grey River Argus, 17 July 1922, Page 8

HOW TO CURE IT.

NOT WORTH “BANDiDGES.” (Glasgow ‘ ‘ Forward. ’’) With the self-sacrificing generosity that befitted his age am. temperament, Mr Beerforth gave three .> phews to the Great War, and was often heard to express his willingness, if necessary, to start’ on any other of his male relatives who might happen to be eligible. He had even gone so far as to attempt to oiler up old Air Cliuggs on the altar of patriotism, but at the last minute, it was understood, Mrs Chuggs had int-ervened with a special exemption clause for her spouse—“not,” as she explained, “as ’e could properly be called an indispensary, but ’<?’s bin siclt a perfick slacker all ■’is life it ’nd be a pity to spoil ’is record.” Of Mr Bcerford’s nephews, one found a cushy job in a canteen, and two decserted. The military caterer, who had remained in the .army, was in Mrs Chuggs’s kitchen listening somewhat impatiently.to what his uncle remembered of the Crimea, wlicn Air Chuggs broke out into a pman on patriotism. He. was cut short by Airs C., who remarked that if they’d “got to talk about sich a subject at. a friendly gatherin’,” she would “prefer to listen to the soldier.” “Didn't know I’d bin fightin’ for patriotism,” owned up young Fred Beerforth. “Thought I’d joined acos 1 was out o’ work.” “For which reason, mo lad,” said Airs Chuggs, “I should advise yer to stick to the army.' There mayn’t be any more worcs for a long time yet But yer chance a gettin’ a penshon out o’ that paper-round you ’ad will not bv discussed in the Estimits. Better ’ang yer ’at up on the patriotic ’ook, and settle down comfortable in yer old age. There’s many as is done it an’ thev ain’t bin near the front either. They fear no foe, for they’ve dug theirsclves well in.” ‘‘What is patriotism?” asked Mr Chuggs, in the maudlin manner of a pot-house Pilate. “Lookin’ round me, an’ takinstock o’ the cripples, the inval-ceds, the lunerties, an’ the lorst,” said Airs Cliuggs. “I should say as ’ow patriotism (which yer never ’ear of, mind yer, between wores) must be one o’ ike deadly sins we ought io pray to be saved from. I alwiz ’ad me suspicions ever since I read about the

dear archbishop who broke a bottle of champagne over a dreadnought. That was patriotism. But d’reckly anybody ever spilled a drop of ’ock over a German dreadnought, that was their cursid tyranny and pride. You’re not a proper patriot at all if yer simply love yer own country. That’s soppy. Besides, there’s only one in a million as ’ud ever understand that. Real, genuine patriotism means ’atin the other country, and we all ’ad that sort o’ patriotism pretty bad. O’ course, it was all friendly-like, in a way. We only wanted to crush eac. other out of existence, and then I’m sure we should all ti w ‘ bin as nice about everythin’ as we was before.” “Quite right, ma,” said Fred, who thought hr ciw something io applaud in Mrs Chugg’s remarks, but didn’t quite know what. “The real Germans, (that was the waiters, you know) ’nd a called a ’alt any day. so 1 ’card. Alany’s the time theii lo'- an’ ours ’as fired over each other’s ’rads, on o’ sheer goodness of ’eart. But then up come the patriots, and the wore broke out all over agon.” “I don’t, know where the wore ’ud a bin if it wasn’t for patriotism,” observed old Air Beerforth. “Neither do I,” retorted Airs C., “and I don’t know where patriotism hid be if it wasn’t for the pieces. 11 ■wores could bo 1 ought without big profits; if there wasn’t a single penny to be made out of it Tor nobody; H there was only jest bare bloodshed, and Air Krupp and Air Kynoch knew they was booked for an arm off, or an eye out, like -everybody else—why, we should cure people o’ patriotism in double quick time. They’d sec it wasn’t worth the handidges.” “1 don’t objcck to patriotism myself, in nobody,” said Air Chuggs. “No,” agreed Airs Cliuggs, “it’s quite all right—in peace time, like now, when there’s none, of it about. But doorin’ the wore a dreadful epidemic o’ patriotism sprang up. if yer remember, and there was too strong a smell of ioderform in the air f-er me. Give me ’-he verchews what don’t need a ’orspital attached to ?em to keep ’em goin’. Judgin’ by the froots o’ triotism, surgeons and undcrtakeis -is about all it’s good for.”