“CAUSTIC” IN LYTTELTON.

Globe, Volume II, Issue 114, 12 October 1874, Page 2

“CAUSTIC” IN LYTTELTON.

To the Editor of the Olobe. Sir, Procrastination has its inconveniences ; I have practised the art so long now, that I have got used to its effects on myself ; but I feel that I am not entitled to allow a depending public to suffer beyond its strength on my own individual account, unless, indeed, that individual account could receive some tangible benefit by the process, in which case the public might possibly be left for a season to enjoy the “sweet uses of adversity.” I have been led to. indulge in these reflections in consequence of the urgent representations that have been made as to the necessity of making a second visit to the maritime township, the Piraeus of Canterbury. Most people in Lyttelton think they know two or three of their neighbours who would make splendid marks for Caustic, if that mystical personage could only be induced to touch them up a bit. Since my last communication, visitors from Christchurch have been at an absolute premium in Porr, such of them at least as could by any absurdity of supposition be suspected to be the real Simon Pure ; the dodge, as I am informed, is to invite the imaginary Caustic to have a drink, and during the interview to rattle off any bit of spiteful gossip that neighbourly malignity can recollect. Aha, it riles my mettle to recite such meanness ; believe me, when I come among you, there will be no mistake about who’s who.

Oh, ye petty, tittle-tattling small-souled, unappreciative sneaks, do you, indeed, think r that a man and a novelist like myself, who j dally mourns and grieves that a remainder' of frailty or fpible should yet exist in society, and whose only aim in writing is by merryremonstrance, rather than by harsh reproof, to make the sum total of human foolishness somewhat less, has no higher mission than to make individuals ridiculous? Perish the thought! Individuals are well able to do that themselves ; my object is to make less so. Besides, if the magnanimity of my ’ spi'it were even so far decayed, sordid prudence would still forbid me to become personal in the place where the “ Prosecution! for Libel Joint-stock Co, Limited,” is ready to operate wherever there is a slant for substantial damages. The real cause of my delay has been that I have been occupied in studying the Duthhr director’s dissertation on the dirt in Sumner 1 * cave. My mind has been impressed ; very heavy objects mostly leave deep impressions. I have never, I confess, been much of an olotjist of any sort; least of all have my-re-searches been directed to the elucidation of pre historic man, and and his wife ; my tastes' 1 do not incline that way ; as a rule, when I meet an aborigine limanceuvre to pass to ward ; if it were my privilege to.interview a, live Autochthone, whatever that is, I should feel no interest in the dirty animal; hay, convivial as my nature is, T should beg to decline an invitation to dinner from an Anthropophagus. Nevertheless and notwithstanding, my last trip to Port was devoted to an investigation a la mode de Dr Haast, the results of which I offer in a concise form which I trust the Dr will take for a model. .

I found very convincing evidence of European occupati n at every step.; in rqany backyards the kitchen midders are two or three feet thick, composed of ashes, bones, bottles, &c,, many of the latter “having been/ fractured for the purpose of sucking their contents.” Like Dr EL, I took accurate notes of the excretae, or as my friend the Major expressed it, the excrescences oi European animals, which are to be found, splittered all over the asphalte of a morning; I need not add that I took great care not.to disturb these remains.

Numerous specimens of the common fowl and rat (jmus rating) were observed scattered in the leading streets ; the internal structure of many of them being beautifully exposed through the action of cartwheels, and all possessing the odour of antiquity. I was informed that a large animal, havinga grotesque resemblance to the human form, probably the Megatherium, or perhaps the creature familiarly known as the Buttonedup Baboon, had been discovered in a prostrate attitude near the Mitre, but I had not the pleasure of seeing it. I observed that the “shell fish eaters ” of Sumner Cave had

been here too, as shewn by the vast heaps of oyster shells. I counted the shells carefully, and verified my computation by reference to the Custom House returns It may gratify the Director to learn that I entirely believe in the Moa-hunters, in fact 1 can explain their origin ; the first appearance is in the form of shilling-hunters, who, by a well understood rule, develop into morehunters. The common Maori evinces a close relationship. I did not observe any actual cannibalism, but about five feet from the surface of the ground I met with numerous uncooked human heads. Rich deposits of the remains of cats, dogs, fish, &c, are met with in the street wells every time they are cleared out. I think it would be creditable to the enlightened minds of the present inhabitants, if they would take an interest in collecting a few hundred cartloads of the above relics, and have them removed to the Museum, or in fact anywhere. * x never could understand how the Fortonians can find stowage for all their money in that miserable Bank shanty, or how they can trust their accumulations in a shed, the mere sight of which impresses me with a sense of insecurity; but they tell me the treasures are guarded by a sort of fireeating dragon who sleeps, or at least lies, with a revolver in each hand, with his big toe in the touch-hole of a cannon, with a sword stuck in his teeth and another stuck anyone lie in such circumstances. It is said that the mere sight of him sent the pie-man flying, as if all the contents of Hades were at his heels. I am glad to he*r from Major Gordon that the Lyttelton artillery have acquitted themselves ; so would anyone I suppose ; but why does he find fault with people’s uniforms 7 I have always admired those busbies ; when the owners ain’t a-using of ’em they do nicely for muffs for their mothers. Just fancy if you can a big red female fist thrust in at the one end, causing a diminutive officer to emerge from the other, like what is said to occur in sausage making sometimes. I have never seen their jackets, the. busbies conceal them effectually, and as their is so much excellent discipline ; n the corps, couldn’t they practice economy by fitting up the balance of their bodies in what poor Mrs Partington might have called breeches of discipline 7 I remember in my schoolboy days there was some sort of natural sequence between the denudation of those regions and the application of discipline, which I recollect used to fit uncommonly close. i / 1 CAUSTIC.