LITERATURE.

Globe, Volume I, Issue 49, 27 July 1874, Page 2

LITERATURE.

UNCLE JOB OR UNCLE ARISTIDES? [From “ Chambers’ Journal,] Continued, ‘ Oh, that’s your opinion is it t Well, look here: you seem to know a lot about tobacco ; but I don’t know how you should, unless the old lady used to hare hers on the quiet, and puff it up the chimney.’ By the < old lady,’ Harry alluded to the respectable person who owned Matilda Jane as her daughter. Certainly, it was a highly improper remark to make, but he was so goaded by his wife’s sneers, that he was not disposed to stick at such a trifle as filial respect. It need scarcely be said that at once Matilda Jane’s flood-gates were opened, a copious shower of tears burst forth, but amid her sobs she managed to utter such phrases as : ‘ Was it for this I married you ? Do you think my mother is an old Irish woman ! —my mother, who comes from one of the first Scotch families, although she cannot now boast of ancestral estates ; ’ «kc. Harry was exceedingly fond of his wife, despite her aggravating temper, and knew that she worked hard to insure the comfort, and preserve the respectability of his home. He could not bear to see her cry ; so, impatiently flinging his cigar into the fire, he approached, and attempted to throw oil upon the troubled waters. ‘ Well, Maltida Jane, perhaps I did go a little too far. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.’ ‘ Oh, you treat me cruelly,’ exclaimed the sobbing lady; ‘you try my love too much, indeed you do. But, since you retract, and arc sorry for what you’ve done, why, I forgive you.’ Matilda Jane dried her eyes— it was wonderful what control she had over those water-

spouts—and in a brief space she brought her work to the fire, and began stitching away at baby’s first pinafore, as though nothing had occurred to disturb the matrimonial harmony. Harry once more took up his novel, and was getting deeply interested in a love-scene, when his wife, noticing that his temper was restored again, returned to the charge. ‘ Harry, dear,’ she said, ‘ I don’t wish to be troublesome; but, remember, we have not yet settled about the christening.’ Her husband tranquilly observed that, although he was then in a most critical portion of the novel, he was quite ready to talk about what was so near to his Matilda Jane’s heart ; to which his spouse answered ; ‘ That’s a dear good fellow; my Harry’s himself again.’ The artful Mrs H. had an idea that by a further exhibition of temper she might make her husband obstinate ; the end she had in view was more likely to be attained by a show of conciliation and wifely obedience. She resumed—‘Of course, if you would prefer Uncle Job to Uncle Aristides, why, we’ll send the invitation to Uncle Job at once ; only—you won’t be angry, will you, Harry, if I tell you why I would rather have Uncle Aristides ? Promise, you won’t now, dear.’ That insinuating woman, as though swayed by an uncontrollable impulse of affection, suddenly thrust baby’s pinafore aside, and pulling her gaunt figure up to its full height, clasped her husband’s head between her two hands, and gave him a sounding kiss. What loving husband could do less than smile benignantly, draw a stool to his side, and invite the partner of bis life to sit thereon ? Thus comfortably posed, Matilda and her husband debated whether Uncle Job or Uncle Aristides was to carry the day. ‘Now, Harry,’ resumed Mrs Eighfiy, ‘ we can’t blind ourselves to the fact, that there’s a vast difference in the social position of our uncles. Aristides Brownjohn is a thriving tradesman, and has no one to leave his money to but ourselves : we know he’s taken a fancy to our boy, and expects to be asked. If he isn’t, perhaps he’ll take offence, and leave all his property to an hospital or something. Do you see that, Harry ?’ Her husband nodded his his head. So far, Matilda’s way of putting the matter was certainly sensible, and displayed a proper consideration for the future prosperity of their offspring, 4 Now, let’s look at the other side. Uncle Job—dear old fellow as he is !’ (Harry was somewhat surprised to hear his wife speak of his sole relative in these affectionate terms) —‘ is little else but a waif and stray. Everybody knows it’s not his fault, but whatever he touches he is sure to make a mess of. Now, isn’t it so ?’ To this obvious truth, Harry again was compelled to nod his head. 4 We are sorry to disappoint Uncle Job, but neither you nor I would like the taint of misfortune to attach to our boy. Uncle Job would give him something if he could, but then be can’t; whereas Uncle Aristides is sure to bring a fork and spoon, or a silver mug at the least. We can’t ask both, because Mr Brownjohn has never met Mr Mr Smith, and they might be jealous of each other, which would never do. Now, Harry, how is it to be f’ After such a specious argumentas this, what could the pliant husband say ? Let us put ourselves in his place. We don’t like that blustering, loud-voiced, boastful, opinionated v old humbug Brownjohn; but then, he’s prosperous, and hasn’t a relative but ourselves. On ;the other hand, we do like that goodnatured, modest, and simple-hearted old angel, Job Smith, and we know how proud he’d be to stand sponsor to the infant; but then, he’s as poor as a church-mouse, and people say he’s rapidly drifting for the fourth; time towards that fatal maelstrom, the Bankruptcy Court. As that far-seeing Matilda Jane says, we must not allow our own desires to interfere with the interests of our offspring. *Of course, Matilda Jane knew how it would be ; she had in solemn and secret conclave with her mother settled it a fortnight ago, and the conversation with Harry was merely a sort of compromise with her conscience, for never should it be said of that young matron that she had broken the vow made to 1 love, honor, and obey.’ The only thing now to be decided on was the day, and name; Tuesday would suit everybody nicely. What did Matilda's husband say to Harry (out of compliment to himself), Aristides (in honor of the borough tradesman), Horatio (as a sort of sop in the pan to old Foozle, who bore that name), Ajax (classical, and distingue, my dear), and Brownjohn (must have a family name) ? What could be more mellifluous than 4 Harry Aristides Horatio Ajax Brownjohn Highfly ? ’ Nothing; at least so Matilda said. Having yielded so much, it was not worth while making further resistance ; so Harry allowed that Philistine of a wife to shear his locks and bind him with cords until he was positively helpless. ‘Now everything is settled,’ said the jubilant Mrs Highfly, 1 suppose we write to Uncle Aristides, and acquaint him with the result ? ’ 4 Out of courtesy, we ought also to write to Uncle Job.’ Ob,, certainly, my dear,’ responded Mrs Highfly. 4 Will you write both letters ? ’ 4 Well, Matilda Jane, I think you might drop a line to Uncle Job ; it would come from you with rather a better grace than from me ; that is to say, dear, a letter from you would be a species of salve for his disappointment.’ The truth was, Harry, after half-inviting his relative to stand godfather, when he met him a few days before at a luncheon bar in the city, was ashamed to back out of the matter ; but he knew if Job Smith got a note from Matilda Jane, he would pretty accurately guess the reason why his aid at the christening was dispensed with. Mrs Highfly immediately brought forth her writing materials, and the reconciled couple proceeded with their epistles. This is what Matilda Jane wrote to Uncle Job : Dear Uncle—You know well how pleased we should have been for you to be one of the godfathers to our darling treasure, but, unfortunately, Harry has a friend whom it would be very impolitic to offend, and, under these circumstances, I am sure you will excuse our not asking you next Tuesday. Best love, ko. Yours, very affectionately, M. J. Highfly. This is how Harry addressed his prosperous relative in the borough Dear Old Uncle —Excuse this familiarity, but we want you to act in an official capacity at the christening on Tuesday next. Don’t trouble to answer this, because we are determined to enlist your sympathies on behalf of our boy in a practical manner. Tilly joins in love, and I am Yours ever, Harry Highfly.

Scarcely had these important communications been penned, than a loud knock was heard at the front door ; hastily gathering up the letters into a couple of envelopes, Mr Highfly placed them in his pocket, ready to post the next morning ; whilst his wife proceeded to the stair-head, to ascertain who were their visitors. It proved to be only Mr and Mrs Foozle, who had called to have a quiet chat ; and in their pleasant company, we, for that evening, drop the curtain upon Harry and his wife. At last came the eventful day.’? [Wondrous preparations for the occasion had been mad< by Mrs Highfly (who was really an excellent housewife), and the result was. that Mr and Mrs Foozle saw awaiting them, when the ceremony should he over, a repast in every way enticing. There were fowls, a huge joint of beef, meat pasties, and such a profusion of custards and tartlets, that Mrs Foozle began to think whether she could not manoeuvre to introduce into the house, ere the day was at end. a select few of her own numerous brood, Harry was indeed proud of the managerial capabilities of his wife, as he gazed from end to end of the wellfilled table, and could not refrain from enlarging upon her merits to Foozle as they stood together before the mantelpiece waiting the arrival of the other sponsor. Mrs Highfly was too nervous yet to make her appearance ; she was veiy busy up-stairs preparing baby for church ; that young imp. with his face as red as a fresh-boiled lobster, exhibiting the greatest disinclination to be dressed in a becoming manner, and loudly proclaiming the fact by a continued series of the most discordant yells. anxious mamma and nurse were doing their utmost to prevent the noise reaching the trio downstairs, but you might as well have attempted to quiet a town-crier or a street singer. They might shut the door, but still the voice of Harry’s offspring predominated over everything else, and caused the two gentlemen below to cease their debate upon the probabilities of a rise or fall in the bank rate of discount, and the prospects of the new Pawangalo loan, until a more fitting opportunity. To he continued.