EPITOME OF WAR NEWS.

Gisborne Times, Volume XLVII, Issue 4371, 16 October 1916, Page 6

EPITOME OF WAR NEWS.

(Written special] v for the “Gisborne Times” by “The Major.”)

The Germans are said to be eating rye bread. With wry faces, let'ns hope. ®

Having lost the flower of their army, the Germans are commandeering ail the com they can lay their hands on.

Shakespeare knew everything; and foresaw' everything, and in twelve, lines gave a more vivid description of the proceedings on the long fronts of battle in Belgium «nd Poland than any of our war correspondents—

Those ardent ladies who knit over their morning raher are, when you come to think of it, casting purls before swine.

A writer comments on the meagre display of portraits of the Allies’ generals. The Censor," probably, doesn’t want them to become known to the enemy.

“One by one the German eagle’s feathers are being plucked,” says a critic. This is getting serious. We must leave him enough to fly with.

A German brewer liais produced a drink called “Hindenburg’s Drops of Victory.” We are expecting, from Russia, a barrel of “Hindenburg’s Bitters of Defeat.”

Awmbaltern. who writes home for some shortbread, will enjoy himself wen he gets to Berlin. Bread is (werv short, there already.

“The new Germany,.’’ says a Ten ten paper “bill he calm, equable, and dignified.” And presumably he will have printed on hi a visiting card: “No connection with the okl firm of the same name.”

High time for Austria to issue a black-and-blue paper.

The knitting craze has spread even to Germany. Recent photographs published of the Kaiser show him knitting Ilia brows.

The only instance of friction between the Allies has just come to light. A wounded New Zealander, writing home, tells how he has been trying to kill Time.

The most suitable arm wherewith :o end the Germans is the yard-arm.

The position of Switzerland is one of great difficulty—in other words, the Swiss “role” is not all jam.

Wax models are made of all British battleships and tried in a specially erected tank. Germany prefers to confine the ships themselves to a specially constructed tank.

A story .is going the rounds of a small town not far from Gisborne of a wounded soldier who was entertained on hi s return. Most of the diners were eligible for enlistment, and it was thought they would announce that they-'would don khaki as soon as circumstances allowed. Instead, one talked incessantly about # his bad liver ; another discoursed on his weak heart; a third had a lot to say about his kidney trouble; and so it went on. When the returned soldier returned to his home he wax asked how he enjoyed the banquet. •‘Banquet!’’ lie snorted. “Bah! It wasn’t a banquet. It was an organ recital.”

Should the Kaiser’s troops try to invade Holland that little _ country can. with comparative ease, give them a welcoming bath. Holland is.unique in that respect. Her safety in time of war lies in her ability to flood great tracts of land. William jaf Orange flooded the country in 1574, and by so doing drove out the Spanish invaders. The same policy was adopted on the occasion of the French invasion of 1072. The movement of a lever at Amsterdam is sufficient to open every dyke and dam in Holland simultaneously, it is said, to put undor water the whole country from Naardon, on the Zuyder Zee, to tho mouth of the Meuse.

Jack Tar and the Bombardment— a salt and battery.

That history repeats itself is well illustrated fey tho fact that the present war is - not ■ the first that owes its origin to a. pig. The Anglo-Ameri-can war of 1812-14. from the conclusion of which wo date our centenary of peace, was due remotely to one of the most trivial incidents that could be imagined. At the Rhode Island elections in 1811 —so the story goes—one constituency was lost to the Federalist party because a certain farmer arrived at the polling place too lato to cast his vote. He had been delayed by the difficulty of releasing one of his pigs that had been caught in a fence. Tho result was that this constituency elected a pro-war candidate to the State Legislature by a majority of one The representative sent to tlie United States Senate by_ this Legislature was elected by a similar majority , and ultimately it was by a majority, of one that Congress declared war against Great Britain. i

During the war, the makers of tobacco pouches have experienced the greatest trade boom that ever happened. And yet, hitherto, we spoke of the piping times of peace. •

The authorities say that the cellar is the safest place from attacks; yet beer drinkers will tell yon that the cellar is the one place where the effects of a tax are felt .most acutely.

One must admire the South African loyalist who took his horses into his sleeping apartment for fear they would be stolen by Boer rebels. A stud in a bedroom often takes some finding. .

A message from Amsterdam says that there are, signs in Berlin of discontent with the German Chancellor and his stall - , and patriots are calling for a “clean sweep.” The difficulty, of course, is. that while there are plenty of sweeps in the Fatherland, it is not easy to find -a clejjn one.

Booklovers’ Note: Prince Bismarck’: -IGermany itself is enough for us. We are sated. One must never forget that the greater the Empire the more easy to crumble away. . « , The war of the future is the economic wax. May my successors affrays bear this -in view.” —Whitman’s “ Conversations with Bismarck.”

“This battle fares like to the morning’s war, When dying clouds contend with growing light; What time the shepherd, blowing of liis nails, Can neither call it perfect day nor night. Now sways it this way, like a mighty sea Forced by the tide to combat with, the wind! Now..saws it that way, like the selfsame sea Forced to retire by fury of the wind ! Sometimes the wind prevails and then the, flood, Now ono the better, then another host, Both tugging to be victor, breast to breast, But neither conqueror nor conquered !