THE FAMOUS BEATRICE HERFORD MONOLOGUES.

Gisborne Times, Volume XXVI, Issue 2122, 22 February 1908, Page 4 (Supplement)

THE FAMOUS BEATRICE HERFORD MONOLOGUES.

AN ENGLISH LADY PACKING.' (By Beatrice H-crford.) Now we must really get this box done! I shan’t feel comfortable till I’m packed. We’ll put everything on the bed first, and then -we Shall knew where we are. Oh! first I want you to belli me about these cans, some one else can often judge better. (Takes up imaginary cap -and puts it on.) .Now what do you think? Do you think this lace blobs out too much? Y r es, I thought so, but I don’t know, I think I can stand it. 'Would you move -the how? Round to the hack? Oh, no, a little to the left I was thinking of;.no! not to tho back; if I moved it ut all it would be the least bit to the left. That’s all I wanted to know.

Now there’s this one;, what do y’ou think? I want you to tell me just what you think. Do try and express an opinion. Is it just a little too — a little too dressy, with both the gold walnut -and the geranium? Y r es, 1 know, that’s what you always say, hut I can’t wear black velvet all the lime, I -must have a change. What do. you say? No, I never saw a gold walnut any more than you did, but it is a very good one, und you wouldn’t like -a raw one on a cap! Yes, my. dear, I shall leave those geraniums; I must have some color; I should think I’d had those geraniums on one thing and another for twenty-five years. What do you s-ay? You should think it was time what? I wish you would finish your sentences —it is very rude. Now do you think that hangs down too much? Yes, 1 thought so; but I don’t think I should like it any shorter. Now the next thing is—shall I take all three? Oh I [ must have that one. No, I can’t do without that, either —no, it isn’t a question of those ‘two, it is just a matter of -all three. I don’t know, though—perhaps it’s safest to take them all; it can't do -any harm, at any rate, to take them all. Yes, I’d better take all three. Thank you. dear; you're a great help! Now we mustn’t dawdle- —we must get the -things in. We can put them in quite loosely; there is-plenty of room. Yes, my dear, I’ve been in this box before —1 know there is!

Now there’s the bell! Well, I can’t see any one —would you just see who it is, please? I can't sec any one — unless it’s one of 'them. (Mumbles to herself, mov-iug about the room.) Come, come, rny dear, we shall never get, done il you don’t keep at it. Did l ? So L did ; oil. 1 beg your pardoll' —well, who was it? Now, my dear, that is stupid; 1 would have seen her! That’s what J meant when I said 1 -wouldn't see anyone. Well, never mind, I dare say you. did your best. Now I think you’ll have to put the things all in—it does make one’s back ache so, bending over, that’s wliv 1 want you to do it.

l>iit the 'boots in' first —-weTl lay a inundation of boots. Lot me see, I ip,i t .give you these — 1 will put'on ti of'l ones. Oil. clear, where are the-, l exneet they’ve got behind something—how tiresome of them! .1 dircsav .they’re got under here—J expect they have-i’m atm id you will have to go under. AS ell, .1 m very sorry, I’d go under niysel il L was ten vears younger—wliat do you sav? Well, my dear, say you don t want to go, hut donH, say they are not there. Look out for your head! Are thev there? Will you have a onidie— -or an umbrella? Well, it is VCTV vvelL aToiiiid itjie:

just covered 1 Well, I'm glad you've been under, though—l always say she doesn’t brush under there, and now l know. Well. I shall have to put -these in at the last—l will just write a label now .before 1 forgot it. (Sits down at the table.) j Now whatever is the name oi that little station we get out at —the one that’s just near—you unust know, the little station —quite a little one ? On, dear, von ought ito know —what do you say ? I can’t remember it—J shouldn't -ask you if 1 could. -It s qu’te a little place—you know, they know the station-master so well —Ins wife was their cook—made such good soups out of nothing—you must remember —1 always thought you had a better memory .than I hail —but von don’t seem to have any lately. It is rather a pretty station has the name done i’n oink shells in a bed at one side. No", -1 know; but l thought il von tried to see it -as it looks, you might. (Closes her eyes.) Can't you see° them ? The kind .they do fish in —von know tiTev hail it the night we were there, ami poor Maria choked so —1 wish she would have it looked ut —j ,nm sure there is something wrong; the slightest crumb does it. It’begins with a G. Cooling—Gullhorough—Garnley—whatf That’s it! Hillside —l- knew it was something like that. Oh, what a relief! You must try, t-cv cultivato vour uioiuory, thou&h-r-it’s a good plan to Jearn some short passage every day. t Now what about these vases? tied better settle about these at once—stupid thing to* ask one to >bring- 1 told her 1 was glad to take them, but 1 didn't want to. What do you say to putting each ‘lvne In a pair ol stockings? In what? Oh, no, 1. shan’t do that—l shouldn't think of it, my dear, for a moment. . 1 did that once —1 mis in a hurry and Mary was -helping me—and she said : “Put it in your body”—it was one 1 was wearing a good deal then it was a lamp-chimney—-and I bad to throw the whole thing away —I coulcln t get the pieces out. I ithought ■the- were out—l .wore it at dinner the first hpi-fit and I felt tfiis- pricking sensatit>ii —I find tp ask them t-o excuse mo and go and take it off. It’s Y er Y oravating to Jose your 'body liko 'tiiatwhen the rest is quite good—of course I had the bones, but still- v Now, bv the way, what am I Likin**? I’d better know what I am taking. Let me see—l shall ha\‘e the black one; and if 1 take the alpaca and ‘the good silk— —. Yes, my dear, I am going to take that good silk. You know, dear, when 1 .got it L hardlv wore it, it was so nice—and then ‘they said it was getting oldfashioned". -so I had it done up and then it was as good as new, so I VO eajther kept it; but now I’m determined to get the wear out ot it. that reminds me. if they come when I’m out this morning just- give ’them these. I generally give them some odds and ends when I have a clearing up —they might as well lvavq them — .they’re no good to, me; you see they’re quite worn down the back. Now I expect you’re tired, dearwell, we’ll just keep on till it’s done. I think I will just try to find a train now. while vou keep on—because that’s the worst, and then it will be over. . _ - -Now where is -that Bradshaw. 1 wish vou would leave things alone—oil, here it is. - Now then—'Hillside. Five-forty-two—oh, dear, it has got a star! I -always dread those -stars. Five-fortv4two—Hillside —now there s no star here 1 They really ought to stick to one thing or the other. -Now let me see, Charing Cross,'Waterloo, Cannon (Street! London Bridge! How can it go from -all those at once? What? .Oh, I see—.but it doesn’t say which is -best- for me. Which? Charing Cross? Oh, all right, dear; it makes no difference to me% those big stations ’are all just as muddling to me. ‘Here’s a good one, eleven-forty—these do make one’s eyes ache so. Now —elevenforty elevcn-forty-eiglit -twelvetwo —twelve-eighteen —it doesn’t get there T it’s a pity the v don. t let that get there, it’s such a good one. Now what’s the next? — let mo see—twelve-twelve. Now why do they-put it twice over like that? Oh, yes .of course—twelve minutes past twelve. Well now, that goes part way down and then it’s “Mondays only.” It shows they can’t know anything about it—l wonder who arranges it. How can a train get part way and then change to Monday ?. oq’qi ppixut —A’upniji sxi.w p ffinsoddng die Monday following or the— Well, I’ll look at the arrivals—l must get there, at any rate. Four-forty—-that’s a nice one—just in time for tea. Now what time does it start? I’ll work back—four-twenty-three—-four-thirteen—four-two—well, it doesn’t start at-all! Y’ou see those that go don’t get there, and those that get there don’t— Well, you’ll have to see if you can find one that goes and gets there both. Dear me, I feel quite done; I will just go and get a bite of something—and you keep on. But don’t lodic tho box. Y T ou see it’s only Tuesday, and I don’t go till Saturday.