Wit and Humour.

Gisborne Times, Volume XXV, Issue 2221, 26 October 1907, Page 4 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

THE WAY OF THE WORLD. “Maud says slio’s wildly in love with her new motor-car.” “Ah! Another case of man being displaced by machinery.” SMART. “Now, boys,” asked the toucher, “how many months have twenityoiglit days?” “All of them,” promptly replied tlio scholar at tho foot of the class. I’AID BY THE HOUR. It seemed to Squire Brown that the carpenter had taken an _unconscionable long timo in executing the repairs he had been engaged to do, and ho determined to come to an understanding. “Look here, ms hul,” he said, 'I should like to know when you expect to finish here? Where's your father?” “Well, sir,” was the young man’s reply, “father’s gone to look at another job. If ho gets it we shall finish to-day; if ho don’t,_ goodness only knows when wo shall finish.” HIS WAY HOME. A nervous man on his lonely' liomoward wa” heard the echoing of footsteps behind him, and dim visions of hold-up men and garrotters coursed through his brain. The faster he walked the more tlie man behind increased his speed, and although tlio nervous one took the most roundabout and devious course he could devise, still liis tracker followed. At last ho turned into a churchyard. “If ho follows me here,” he decided, “there can bo no doubt about his intentions.” Tlio man behind did follow, and, quivering with fear and rage, tho nervous one turned and confronted him. “What do you want?” he demanded. “Why are you following me?” “.Do you always go home like this?” asked tho stranger, “or are you giving yourself a treat to-night? I am going up to Mr. Brown’s, and. the .porter at the station told mo to follow you, as you lived next door. Excuse my asking, but- ar© you going homo at all to-night?” POOR GEORGE. The lady walked into the shop with a light in her eye that filled tho grocer with nervous anticipation. “Been rubbin’ my ’all linoleum with that stuff for tho last two hours,” she sniffed, as she banged a pot on the counter, “and the ’arder I rub the worse it gets. It’ll _he a long while before I buy anything on your recommendation again, I’m sure. Accordin’ to you, I was only to show the oilcloth a dab o’ this floor polish and I could see my face in it.” The grocer waited patiently until the lady was out of breath. “You have my sympathy, madam,” he said, courteously. “You’ll remember buying some potted ham and tongue at the same time?” “Well?” “There it is, madam,” and the man in the apron pointed to the half-emptied pot the woman had laid on the counter. “Then it’s rough on my husband, that’s all I can say,” gasped the lady. “Poor George’s sp endin’ the only day’s ’oliday lie gets in the year fishiii’, an’ if this ere’s the liam and tongue, he’s either got to starve ’isself til he gets ’ome or eut floorpolish sandwiches!” TRAINING HIM. “Ho isn’t stingy,” declared the young woman, rather indignantly. “I’m sure he’s as generous as he can bo in most things, but —” “Oh, 1 kno-w,” said the elder woman. “Your father used to be a great deal the same way.” “P.a!” exclaimed the young woman.

“Until ho got educated,” said the elder woman. “I had to educate William. Argument isn’t any use.” “I know,” slid the young woman sadly. “I’ve tnied it.” “And crying isn’t any use,” said tlio elder with some severity. Tlio young women blushed, and glanced* hastily at a mirror that hung on the wall.

“No; your eyes aren’t red.” said the elder woman reassuringly, “.but you’ve been crying; and 1 tell you it won’t do, 'and coaxing won’it work one time in a dozen.” “Then how?”

■ “Use your common-sense. 'There are lots of ways. Take him to shop with you the next time you go. That’s ono pretty good way of making him realise that a woman can’t dress on nothing.” The young woman shook her head. “You don’t know William as I do,” «ho arid. “I’d bo worse off than ever, and, besides, ho wouldn’t go.” “Oh, yes, lie would,” said the elderly lady confidently. “.He will, if you manage him properly. You tell some woman friend what exquisite taste he has when lie’s around, and notice how he’ll begin to swell up. I never knew the man who didn’t believe that he knew more about what was becoming to a woman than she did herself. Then follow that up by asking him to help you select a hat. He’ll do it fast enough if you can make him believe you depend oil his judgment.” ®

“But, mother!” “I suppose you think lie’ll pick out some five-dollar horror or sometiling that doesn’t suit you at all.” “Fan afraid ho would.” . “Well, he wouldn’t. You begin by wanting Jtim to go to sonic Idol SBc millinery store, and watch lnim rebel. Look in at the window, and comment favorably on one or two of the shapes if you can’t do anything else, if some other people are standing by looking in. He'll insist on your going to. some decent place. Don’t take him to Klise, though. Go any pldee where there’s a fairly good assortment, but not where they take 50-dollar hats as a mtater of course. All you’ve got to do is to pick out an intelligent saleswoman and insist on something inexpensive. If she brings vou anything over Sdol say, ‘Oil, dear, no. 1 can’t afford to pay that price.’ ” “Well, you will. You’ll see that he’ll insist on seeing something better, and you’ll seo that he’il bo about- as helpless as a babe between you and the saleswoman, and lie’ll see that the only way li e san assert himself is to urge you not to eoneider expense. Don’t tell me he won't. 1 know ’em. You can have any hat you want, and he’ll go out of the store under the impression that he selected it. And you don’t want to disabuse his mind, either. Tell him tbit you think the hat is perfectly charming, and you are afraid lie has been extravagant, and the one at l'ldol could have done just as well. See if he doesn’t tell you that it’s t ccnoiny in the long run to get a good thing, and that vou wil get more than odol worth of satisfaction out- of the difference in the price. But don't ever let him convince you.” “Why not?”

“Because it wouldn’t do. But don’t fail to tell him how your friends raved about the liat, and how surprised they seemed when you told them it was his choice, ami how they said they would hate to have their hush mds pick out a hat for them, and how you thought so, too, but didn’t say i£. And mention casually as the thing goes on to any company you have that you always let William select your hats on account of Ms t'xqnisite taste, the only drawback being bis criminal disregard of prep. Same thing applies to gowns or anything else.” “But It would be awful to have to be everlastingly taking him around.”

“You don’t have tip” said the elderly woman. “Don't you worry about that. He’ll ge tired after the first few times, and let you get what vou want your-eif. But you won’t hear any mere talk about your extravagance. Tie’ll have got bis horizon extend'd. But don’t oil a.nv account hat bun lose hie own good on ; ” : OT> of t,;s taste.” “1+ sor-mr a Btvlp JocopPivo ” s.a : d the younger woman, “but I almost believe I’ll try it.”