WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 4 November 1939, Page 4

WEEK-END SMILES

ing pale at the very idea. “I’d lose my job.” WELL WORN. Customer: How much is that second hand suit in the window? Shopkeeper: What do you mean? That’s a new suit. Customer: Well, that fellow in the window has worn it for the last three months.

REPRESENTATIVE Rector: Good-morning, Brown, 1 hear you have a son and heir? Brown: Yes, sir. Our household now represents the United Kingdom. Rector: How is that? Brown: I am English, my wife Scottish, the nurse is Irish, and the baby wails! THEORIES. “I’m glad you’re so impressed, dear, by these explanations I’ve been making about banking and economics,” remarked the young husband. “Yes, darling. It seems wonderful that anybody could know as much as you do about money without having any of it.”

OVER THE GARDEN FENCE. He leaned over the garden fence and beckoned to his neighbour. “I say, old fellow,” he said, “I understand that you have Thompson’s new rake.” The neighbour nodded. “Good,” said the first. “If you let me borrow that occasionally, I’ll Jet you use Jones’s roller whenever you need it.”

“PLEASE GO ’WAY AND LET ME SLEEP.”

“What is the hardest part' of your work as a lecturer?” asked the man designated as toastmaster. “As a rule,” replied the other, “the hardest part of my work is waking up the audience after the man who introduces me has concluded his remarks.”

CHARACTER STUDY. She (to husband after employing :i gardener): Why did you want inc to biro the short man? The tall man had I such a kind face. Husband: My dear, when you pick a man to work in your garden, judge him by his overalls. If they’re patched on his knees, you want him; if they’re patched on the seat, you don’t.

VALUE FOR MONEY. After buying a sixpenny novel from the bookstall assistant, the man from Aberdeen said: “I’ll put the book in my pocket, but you might wrap the uniform in a piece of paper.” “Uniform, sir? What uniform?” asked the young man. The buyer opened the book and held it out. “It says here. ‘Uniform with this volume.’ ” I HAD SOME PRIDE. ■

Pat turned up in the office one morning with a. largo tear in the sleeve bf his coat.

“Look here. Pat," said his boss, •'why don't you get that hole mended?” "I'h’ilh.'" replied Pur., “not Oi. A b.-de may be rhe result of an accident, but, sure, a patch is a sartin sign of poverty.” BETTER LATE THAN NEVER. It v.-i'.s 3 o’clock in the morning and the guard was rather suspicious of I the. man in evening clothes who walk- ; i'd. slowly along the streel, crossing •'■nd rccrossing the road. I “Out rather late, aren’t you?” askedp the guard. ■'Perhaps it is a little late," agreed 1 the man, “but it’s about the only J -fiance a pedestrian ha* these days.” ' I

MAYBE. The little sailing boat came waltzing into the bay.—From a novel. With a Liszt to starboard? PROGRESS. “How is your son making out with bis violin lessons?’’ “Fine! We can tell when he’s tuning it now.” EXCHANGE OF COMPLIMENTS. ' Barber: How do you like this new soap, sir? Man in chair: It tastes fine. You must have lunch with me some day. MODERN POLITICS. Candidate: It is my intention to conduct a bunkless campaign. Publicity Expert: Good —I’m just the man to put that kind o£ bunk over. FULL OF PEP. “What do you sell?” “Salt.” “I’m a salt seller, too.” “Shake.” A GOOD CLAIM. "I insured my voice,” stated the famous singer, “for £50,000.” “And what,” asked his rival, “have 1 you done with the money?” • SHE WAS INTERESTED. Husband (arriving home last): Can’t you guess where I’ve, been, dear? Wife: I can —but go on with your story. SPECIALISED. Jones: He got rich in six months by writing poetry! Miss Brown: Indeed! Jones: Yes; he wrote love sonnets to a rich widow! HORN BLOWING. Traveller: “In Guatemala the driver who blows his horn the loudest has the right-of-way. Historian: In parts of Europe this is called diplomacy. THE DOUBLE CLEANING. Teacher: Now, I want you to notice how clean James’s hands always are. James, tell the class how it is that you keep your fingers so nice. James: Ma makes me wash the dishes every morning.

NON-SLIP. Exacting Mistress: There’s one thing in your favour, the mats in 1 the hall keep their positions. How do you riianage it. Mary? Maid (under notice): Oh, just chewing gum. VAULTING AMBITION. Elsie (aged five): I do hope some Dutchman will marry me when I grow up! Aunt Mary: Why, dear? Elsie: ’Cause I want to be a duchess! KEEPING IT DARK. “Now, Nora, did you tell God how naughty you were yesterday?” “No, mother.” “Why not?” “I thought we had better keep it in the family.” A SERIOUS MATTER. “What would happen if this lift should drop to the bottom?” asked the passenger as they drew near the top of the skyscraper. “Gosh,” exclaimed the lift girl, turn-