WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 28 October 1939, Page 4

WEEK-END SMILES

A PROBLEM. Miss Sappe: Yes, the captain has asked me to sit on his right hand - or dinner to-night. Mr. Witte: You don’t say so? Then what’s he going to stir his coffee with? BOOT TROUBLE. Sergeant (to raw recruit.): Mark time there, you! Smallish R.R. (whose boots are too big): Please sir, 1 am, sir! Inside me boots! NOT EXPECTING TOO MUCH. Passenger: Is this train ever on time? “Sir,” replied the guard, “we never worry about her being on time. W®’™ satisfied if she’s always on the rails.” CAPITAL AND INTEREST. Jack: Does Smith take any interest in society? Jill: No. He supplies the capital. His wife and daughter take all the interest. AMBITION. The champion athlete in bed with a cold was told that he had a temperature. “How high is it, doctor?” “/V hundred and one.” "What’s the world’s record?” A RED LETTER DAY. Parson: You love to go to Sunday school, don’t, you, Robert? Bobby: Yes, sir. Parson: What do you expect to learn to-day? Bobby: The date of the picnic, sir. TO THE RESCUE. “Now, girls,” said the restaurant manager, to the waitresses, “I want you all to look your best to-day. Add a touch of lipstick and take a bit more trouble with your hair.” “Something special on?” “No. The beef’s tough.” A HINT. Corporal: Is it true that the sergeant called you a blockhead? Private: Oh, no, corporal, nothing as strong as that. Corporal: What did he say? Private: ,’E said, “Put yer blinkin’ cap on —’ere comes a woodpecker.” AGREED. “How did the Smith wedding go off?” “Fino -until the parson asked the bride if she’d obey her husband.” “What happened then?”

“She replied: ‘Do you think I’m crazy?’ and the groom, who was in a sort of daze, replied, T do.’ ” TALL STORIES. First Angler: Yes, sir, that fish was so big it jerked my rod from my hand and actually picked its teeth with the handle.” Second Angler: I had bad luck, too. The only fish I caught was too small to bother about. Two men helped me throw it back into the river.” THE LIMIT. The new vicar was endeavouring by his cheery and confidential, manner to endear himself to the members of his congregation. “Well, my friends,” he said, at the beginning of his first sermon, “what would you like to talk about to-day?” “Talk about four and a-hal£ minutes,” an authoritative voice advised. A SLIGHT ERROR. The president called his office manager in and thrust a letter under his nose. “Look at that! I thought I told you to engage a new stenographer on the basis of her grammar!” The office manager looked startled. “Grammar? 1 thought you said glamour!” SIMPLE! The young inventor was trying to persuade the business man to market his patent keyless lock. “It’s too complicated,” snapped the business man. “The average person would forget how to unlock this con-1 traption.” “Not at all, sir,” said the inventor, triumphanty. “You see, I’ve thought of that. Every lock will have complete instructions embosesd on it.” PARTLY SOLVED. Briggs took a spoonful of soup, grimaced, and called the waiter to the table. “What do you call this stuff, my man?” he angrily demanded. The waiter looked pained. “That’s soup, sir,” he replied, “very good soup—creme reine.” The customer pushed the plate aside. “H’m” he murmured, “I can taste the rain all right, but the chef’s forgotten the cream.”

SO IT SEEMED. A city girl was spending her Summer holiday on her uncle’s farm. On the day of her arrival she went with him to see his herd of cows. The girl gazed with interest at the beasts, especially one that was chewing the cud. “Fine animal that one,” said the farmer, following the direction of her glance. said the girl, "but doesn’t ft cost you a lot to keep her in chewinggum ?” SHE SCORED. The two ladies of the “upper” suburbs were trying to outdo each other in their social achievements. "Yes,” said one, "my garden party was a huge success. J expect you noticed all the cars outside my place? Nineteen altogether! But you didn’t have many guests at your place last Saturday. I only noticed seven cars!" "Oh, said the other placidly. "They were mine—l had no visitors that day!" ON HIS MIND. “Bob is so absent-minded,” said the young wife. , “What do you mean," 'asked her mother. “Well, the other night when he got home there was something special he wanted to do that evening, but he couldn’t think what it was. After worrying over it for about two hours he suddenly remembered what it was.” “What was it?” asked her mother. “He wanted to go to bed early.returned the girl. OBVIOUS. There was a bang, as of a door being slammed —and a clatter, indicative of tennis racket, etc., being flung to the floor o." the hall. Hui i.y entered the drawing-room.

“Hello, dear," wifey smiled brightly. “How did you go on in the club tournament, then?” "How did F go on?" hubby exclaimed. “With courts lii'.e ploughed fields, umpires who couldn't distingr.ish fool faults from foot salts, and ’’ “Ah!” wifev smiled. “You lost?”