WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 14 October 1939, Page 3

WEEK-END SMILES

DEFINITION “Don i you think that infatuation is absurd?” lie: “Yes. Just two silly.” INDEPENDENCE First Gossip: Does Mrs. Newbride have her own way? Second Gossip: Does she! Say, she writes her own diary a week ahead of time. ’ SILLY QUESTION Lady: .Poor man! And are you marrice! ? Beggar: D’ye think, ma'am, I’d be relyin/ on total strangers for support if 1 had a wife? ALL BUSINESS Business Man: If you're not out of my ofiice in two minutes, I’l1 —— Commercial Traveller (cheerfully): And what would you like me to show you in the two minutes, sir? GOOD GUESS Clerk (in men’s clothing store): I assume you are looking for something in men’s clothing? Lady: I certainly am. Have you seen my husband around here? FAN MAIL “You know, my wife’s having a hard time learning to sing.” “Really? Which notes bother her the most?” “The ones she gets from the neighbours.” BIRTHDAY HONOURS “Please get my bath ready, Perkins.” "The bath, sir, I regret, is being used by the goldfish. Madam said it was to have this treat on its birthday, sir.” GOT A RISE OUT OF HIM Employer: “Uni-um! So you want an increase in wages, do you? How did you get that eye? Ofiice Boy: Please, sir—‘somebody called you a tight-fisted old skinflint, and naturally I resented it. He got his increase.

IT’S EASY The old sea captain taking on new hands. Of an especially stupidlooking recruit he inquired: “How can you tell starboard from port?" "By the label on the bottle.” was the, reply. STRIKING “Hello! Where did you get that damaged nose, ‘and those lovely’ black eyes?” “I simply passed a remark about Jones's tie, and he hit me' twice on the nose.” “What did you think of his socks?” TRANSPORT METHODS Wife: Il's the furniture folk come for the piano, Henry. Husband: But 1 gave you the money io pay the next instalment. Yes. I know, dear; but don’t say anything. I’m going to pay them as soon as they get it downstairs. I’ve decided to have it in the sitting-room, j EARNING AN EXTRA SHOT | The golfer drove too soon from the I tee while a bowlegged player was still I playing his second shot. The drive ■passed between the latter’.s legs. J “Sir," bellowed the player when I they met later, “that’s not golf!” 1 “ 1 know,” replied the other, “but 4 it’s jolly fine croquet.”

BACK TO EARTH | “Good morning, Mrs. Twister,” said the holiday-maker. “I’ve a room reserved here.” “Let me se.e, now,” replied the landlady; “which room did I promise you?” “You said it was the room with the heavenly view.” “Ah, yes! Jane show' this gentleman the room with, the skylight.” NOTHING OF THE SORT An American was touring Wales, and on entering a hotel in one town, noticed the words “Tam Utah” written on the mat. “Ah!” he said, ”1 'suppose that’s Welsh for Welcome.” “No, Sir,” replied the doorman, “That’s the bath mat upside down.” BALANCI NG MA TTE.RS Smith looked over the fence into his neighbour’s back garden. “Wot’s the idea,” he asked, “of digging such a big trench in t’ garden like that? Is it for all the neighbours as well?” “No, Joe,” said Jones, "it ain’t. As a, matter of fact, it ain’t anything to do with A.R.P. Yer see, I made a swing for t’ youngsters to fix on that tree there, an’ now 1 find that t’ ropes is to long.” A MARKED MAN The man in the queue for the theatre felt someone, touching his back. Turning round, he saw a girl about to leave the line. “I’m going across the road to gel some sweets,” she said. “Well, that doesn't interest me,” said the man. "I know,” was the reply, “but. I’ve put a chalk mark on your back in case I. forget my place!” OBVIOUS ’Two sergeants were discussing the batch of new militiamen. “I’ll bet you anything,” said one, "that that, fellow Williams was only a clerk before he was called up. in spite of all his swan?..” . “What, makes you thing that: asked the other. “Well, every'time I say ‘Stand at ease!' he tries to put bis rifle behind his ear!” SABOTAGE After six months at a new factory, the superintendent developed a feeling t.htit he wasn't popular, so he called aside an old worker. ••Bill." said the superintendent, "how is it. the. men don’t seem to like me? Why, at. my last place they gave me a silver teapot when I left.” "Only ;i. 'silver teapot?" said the candid worker. "Gosh, if you’d only leave here we'd make it a gold tea service.”

FIRST OFFENCE The police sergeant in the country| town sent for a const able and lectured| him severely. "You’ve been in the force now for; twelve months.” he said, "and never once have you brought in a case of any kind. Now I’m willing to give you one more chance. Squire Daly has telephoned to say that someone is stealing his apples. Go up there tonight and catch the thief." About niidyight the waiting constabble saw a man walking along with a sack over his shoulder. He pounced on him. opened the sack, and found a quantity’ of valuable silver. “H’m!” he murmured. “My mistake. But you can thank your lucky stars it wasn’t apples.”