WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 15 July 1939, Page 12

WEEK-END SMILES

SILLY SY Al PHONY Teacher: Lizzie who was Francis Drake? Lizzie: A friend of Donald Duck. VETERAN “What a. delicious meal! You surely must have an old family cook.” “Yes; she’s been v/ith us more than a month now.” SAD CASE “Lost your job as a cuddy?” asked one boy. “Yes,” replied the other. “1 could do file work all right, but I couldn’t learn not to laugh.” AHEM! Airs. Jones: Do you think we have enough ice cream and cake for 20 small boys? Hostess: Oh, yes. I made sure of that, I invited their mothers. STILL HUNTING THAT “X” Teacher: Working out this much of the problem shows you that X equals zero. Freshman: Whew! All that work for nothing? UNANIMOUS Bride: When you married me, I thought'you were daring ’and courageous. •Groom: That’s nothing. Name one person who didn’t. w POOR ARGUMENT Mamma: AVillie, it is time you were up. The birds were all up long ago. Willie (drowsily): Well, if I iiad to sleep in a nest of sticks and straws J.’d get up early, too! NO SALE Floorwalker: Why didn’t that man buy anything? What did he want to see ? Demure assistant: Ale, to-morrow night. PREPARING Hl Al “Dad, do you remember the time when you told me that you were expelled from school?” “Yes, my son.” “Well, isn’t it funny how history repeats itself?” NEW ANGLE Mrs. Jones: We need a new roof. Jones: AVhat’s the matter with the old one? It doesn’t leak. Mrs. Jones: No, but 1 don’t want to be ashamed every time an aeroplane flies over the house. . NATURAL SOUND “But, my good man,” said Airs. Smith, dubiously, to the tramp at her door, “your story has such a> hollow ring.” “Yes, ma’am. That’s the natural result of speaking with an empty stomach.” COMPARISON Spectator: I simply can’t understand why anyone should miss a putt as short as that. Golfer: Let me remind you that the holo is only four and a quarter inches across and there is the whole tvorld outside it.

50—50. “How arc you getting on with your writing for the magazines?” “Just holding my own.' ‘They send me back as much as I.'jend them.” Dentist: You needn’t open your mouth any wider. When 1 pull a tooth I expect to remain outside. GETTING IN PRACTICE The newlyweds had just got off their train. “John, dear,” said the. bride, “let us try to make the people think we have been married long time.” “All right, honey,’ l -was the answer, “you carry the suitcases.” KEPT ' 'RESH. “Remarkable.! Y.iu mean to say you bought that coat six years ago, and you haven’t ifad a thing done to it in all that Lime? Why. it looks as good as new.” “Doesn’t it!. I assure you, all I’ve ever done is change it about four times in cloakrooms ” PLENTY OK TIME. “Why so pensive, old man?” “I’m wondering what to do with our son. I want him to go in for law, his mother fancies the army, and he’s determined 'to be an airman.” “How old is he?” “Just turned five.” SIMPLE? Jones had been obliged to sell his pup because of its habit if always running beneath the sofa and refusing to come out for hours. About a month later he met the new owner and asked him if he had cured the animal of the practice. “Yes.” was the reply.' “He doesn't run. under now. “How did you stop him?” “Why, easily. I cut the legs off the sofa.” DEPENDS Brown had got a job at last. After years of unemployment he was engaged as an assistant to an antique dealer. The very first morning the bods came in and saw him standing idle in the shop. “Go up to the storeroom,” he ordered, “and get me a Greek urn for Mr. Blank, and be quick about it.” Brown rushed upstairs and called to one of the packers. “Hi, mate, what’s a Greek urn?”

“[ dunno,” came the packer’s reply. “I guess it all depends on the job he’s got.” ACID TEST "Are you an expert accountant?” asked the prospective employer. "Yes, sir,” responded the applicant. “Your written, references seem to be all right, but tell me more about yourself.” "Well, my wife kept a. household account for 30 days. One night after dinner I sat down and in less than an hour found out how much we owed our grocer.” "Hang up your hat and coat,” directed the employer with a glad smile, "the job is yours.” NO KICK COMING. Mrs Brown's coloured cook went home every night the moment she had washed the dinner dishes, and often forgot to come back in time to prepare breakfast the next morning. "Sara," said Mrs Brown one day, “every time yon fail to come, and get breakfast I shall take off a quarter from your wages.” Sara silently consented, and thg next few mornings she came in early. But one morning she did not appear until 10 o'clock. "Look here, Sara." complained Mrs Brown. “I had to lix breakfast again this morning!”

"Well," returned Sara indignantly ain’t Ah payin' you fob it?”