WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 10 July 1937, Page 4

WEEK-END SMILES

i SPORTING QUESTION. Teacher: Yes, Johnny, Lapland it rather thinly populated. Johnny: How many laps to the mile teacher? USUAL SIZE. “Was it a big cheque you lost?” “Not very—about the same size as i postcard.” CHANGED VIEWS. Mistress: Was your last place a goo< one, Janet? Maid (after deliberation): Well mum, I used not to think so. A LITTLE DOWN. “I hear,” remarked Mrs. A “that that nice young Mrs. goi all her furniture on the hire purchase.’ “Yes,” said Mrs. C , “she it feathering her nest with a little down.” '• ALTRUISM. “I’m going to kiss you for one thrilling, wonderful hour.” “Aren’t you forgetting yourself?” “Well, no. I daresay it’ll be a certain amount of fun for me, too.” THE BIRD. The dutiful nephew took his dear old aunt to a football match. As the game progressed, things happened. “And why,” saicl the elderly lady eventually,” is that man walking away ” “He’s been sent off for a foul.” “Dear me, Bertie! Now is that what you mean by getting the bird?” THINGS TO COME. “Sorry I can’t stop, old boy,” said Brown, swallowing his quick one in the shortest possible time; “but I’ve got to go home and explain to the wife.” “Explain?” echoed Robinson. “Explain what?” "I don’t know,” replied Brown, “till I get home. NOT TACTFUL. The church was being decorated when the vicar came in. Seeing tacks lying about the pulpit he remarked to his daughter, who had apparently been using them: “Don’t leave those tacks about, Kate. What would happen, if 1 stepped on one in the middle of my sermon?” “Well,” replied Kate, "that would be one point you wouldn’t linger on!’’ MODEST. “Don’t they teach you to salute in your company?” roared the major to Patrick Malone, who had passed him without raising his hand. “Yes’, sir,” replied Pat. “Then why didn’t you salute?” "Well, sir,” was the candid repl'- "1 didn’t want to attract more attention than necessary ’cause I ain’t supposed to bo out without a pass.” OVER THE GARDEN WALL Two neighbours were talking together over the fence that divided their' gardens. First Woman: We are leaving here next week. We are going to live in a more respectable neighbourhood. Second Woman (haughtily): Oh, so ai’e we. First Woman: What arc you leaving also? Second Woman: Oh, no,' we are staying here. QUITE ENOUGH Jimmy had been sent to bed by his mother for using a naughty word. When his father came home she sent him to punish the boy. “I’ll teach him to swear!” he roared, and started up the stairs. He tripped on the top step—and even his wife held her ears for a few moments. “You’d better come down now,” she called up after the air had cleared somewhat. “Jimmy’s had! enough for bis first lesson.” TEMPERANCE LESSON There is a story told of a wellknown teetotaller who, on hearing a companion vigorously denouncing the practice of christening vessels with champagne prior to their launching, said: “I don’t know that I altogether agree with you, for to my mind there is a good temperance lesson to be found in it.” "How can that be?” asked his companion. "Well,” replied the teetotaller, “it is noticeable that directly after her first taste of wine the ship takes to water and sticks to it ever after." WHICH CAME FIRST? On a. cruise a species of bird had followed the ship for some time, Io the intense curiosity of one of th<women passengers, who never let the subject rest. At dinner one evening she returned to it. “Captain,” she said, “can’t, you tell me where those birds cameJTom?” The captain turned to the first officer and asked 1 plaintively. "Can you say where those birds came from?” /‘Eggs, sir, eggs,” replied the first officer. EXCUSED. The readiness of Irish wit is exemplilied in the story about some passengers travelling from Liverpool to London. One missed his handkerchief —a colourful, expansive affair—and bluntly accused bis neighbour, an Irishman, of taking it. Rising, the man found he had been, sitting on the handkerchief. A third passenger suggested that the accuser apologise. But the Irishman said: “Oh, there is no occasion for an apology. There was a mutual mistake. He took me for a thief, and I took him for a gentleman."

PROOF Everybody knows how Theodore Hook used to take the wind out of pompous people’s sails by going up to them and saying, “Pray, sir, are you somebody of importance?” * This was once tried on Becrbohm Tree, but it did not come off. Standing outside the Garrick Club one day, and possibly looking very pleased with himself, Tree was approached by a stranger who said Hook’s very words. Tree was not at all taken aback. Looking at the man with a cynical smile, he replied, “I don't think I can be, or 1 should hardly be seen talking to you.” TESTIMONIAL Smith was giving a dinner party to his boss, and to celebrate the occasion he bought a duck from an old woman in the neighbourheed who was famed for the birds she reared on her farm. | But the next day Smith was round at the farm to complain. “Why,” , protested the old lady, “there wasn’t anything wrong with the bird, was there?” “Wrong.” cried Smith. “It was no good at all.” “Well, it ought to have been good,” said the other. “Tliat duck Won first prize at the local poultry show for 10 years in succession.” , I