WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 29 May 1937, Page 11

WEEK-END SMILES

ANOTHER ABOUT SCOTLAND. Then there was the Scottish doctor who insisted on a post mortem when v, patient died after swallowing his thermometer. UPSTAIRS. "Have you seen anything that seems to grow with such leaps and bounds?” “Yes, the children in the apartment above.” HIS JOB. Efficiency Expert: I’ve fired the worst clock watcher in your employ. Boss: Who is he? Expert: Joe Jones. • Boss: What! He’s my timekeeper! CHANGE. “How on earth do you keep a maid so long!” “Well, we move the furniture around so often that she feels it’s a new place every week.” CHANGE AT ABERDEEN. A traveller al Eusten Station, on booking- a third-class to Inverness, was informed, “Change at Aberdeen.” “Na, na,” he replied. “I’ll take me change now. I’ve been in Aberdeen before.”

PERHAPS. Mrs Sweet: You know the sweet tooth our Gladys used to have? Well, now she’s in the confectionery business she won’t look at a sweet. Mrs Beer: You don’t say.. I wish a could get my husband a job in a brewery. ONLY OBJECTION. “Can’t you change tjbese tiejeets, usher?” “Is anything wrong with the seats, sir?” “Oh, no, the seats are fine. It’s the cement column in front of them that I object to.” THE OPPOSITE SITUATION. Said the chairman of a certain society at its annual meeting: “In most kindred associations, half the committee does all the work while the other half does nothing. I am pleased to place on record that, in the society over which I have the honour to preside, it is just the reverse.”

HOW GIRLS CHANGE. Mrs Knowall and Mrs Hearall were having a good gossip. “How girls change,” said Mrs Hearall. “My Millie, when she was little, never would go even into the parlour at night without t>, light, because, as she put it, there might be a man around. And now,’’ she added significantly, “she won’t have a light in it because there is a man there four or five nights a week.” PUTTING IT PLAINLY. An employee in a local ironmorks had invested in a new pair of spectacles and was inclined to brag to his fellow-workmen about their grandeur. "The best specs I ever had,” he declared, “and they are solid gold.” “But if they are gold, how can you see through them?” asked one of his mates, in an attempt to pull his leg. ' “Of course, the glass part isn’t,” was the reply, “but the ironworks is!” PROMOTED. A small boy was trudging along dejectedly .in the grip of a policeman. In his arms he carried a football. There had been, a broken window and trampled flower beds. A group of his pals stood on the street corner, so he decided to make a stiff upper lip while passing them. “What did you do, Bill?” asked one of them. “Nothing,” he replied, “they’ve asked me to play for the police.” ONE FOR THE BOOK, MEN. “Befofe we were married,” the better half said, “you always engaged a taxi when you took me anywhere. Now you seem to think the bus or tram is good enough.” “No, my pet!” he replied. “I don’t think the bus or tram is good enough for you! It’s because I’m so proud of you. In a taxi you would be seen by nobody save the driver, while I can show you off to so many people by taking you in the tram or bus!” THRIFT NOTE. A Scottish farmer’s son had the misfortune to fall in love with two girls at once. The oue was tall and strapping, the other was small and slim. The puzzled lover at last asked his father’s advice.

“Well,” said the father, “there’s sae muckle machinery used in farmin’ nooauays that a big, active wife is no’ g’ muckle use; so I advise you to take tho little ano—she’ll eat less, onyway! ” MANY OF US LIKE THAT. Billie, six, came home from school quite downcast. “What’s the trouble, Billie?” his mother asked.

Billie’s reply was a question, “What makes a teacher ‘shook’ a little boy? “Why, because he is disobedient, I suppose.” Then, “Billie, did the teacher shake you?” “Yes.” “What were you doing?” “She told me to sing louder—and I couldn’t.” ."But what did you do after she shook you?” “1 sung- louder.” ALERT. A young man and woman entered a railway carriage and were immediately put down by other passengers as a bridal couple. But the young pair were so self-possessed that the others began to doubt if their surmise was right after all. As the' train moved out of tho station, however, the young man rose to remove his overcoat, and a shower of confetti fell on to the floor. The other occupants of tho carriage smiled broadly, but the young man was equal to the occasion.

Turning to his partner, lie remarked loudly: “I've taken the bridegroom’s overcoat in mistake!” REAL TEST. “Yes. darling,” lie said, in tones of loop tenderness, “I would do anything to show my love for yon.” “Ah!” igiicd th”, gentle maiden, “that’s what all men say when they are striving to win a woman's heart." "Put me to the proof!’’ he exclaimed in wild, passion- ■!(<: tones. "Put mi to the proof! Test. me. and seo if I fail! Set me any task within the bounds of possibility, and it shall be performed.” "Ah,” she murmured, "if I could only believe you!" “Put me to the. test. Say to me. ‘Do this or that.’ and it shall ho done." “Then I will put yon to the test.’ "Ah!" he exclaimed exultantly, “you shall behold the height, the depth, the breadth, the circumference of my love!. What is the test?” The maiden dropped her eyes, a smile dimpled the corners of her mouth, and, bunding over t.hu youth at her feet, she whispered, "Marry some other girl."