WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 1 May 1937, Page 4

WEEK-END SMILES

THE REAL TEST “These potatoes are rich in starch” said the dealer. ‘That may be so; but don’t make the price too stiff,” answered the shopkeeper. • SETTLING THAT POINT “Remember, my son, it’s the early bird that catches the worm.” “But what about the worm, dad?” “Oh! He was just getting home from a night club.” PROOF POSITIVE “I saw someone trying to kiss your daughter last night.” “Did he succeed?” “No.” “Then it wasn’t my daughter.” A FRIENDLY WARNING “I realise I owe a lot to my country,” declared the orator. “Not too much cf that, mate,” whispered a sympathetic voice. ‘You’re not the only one that has not paid his income tax. * A TALE OF THE ’FLU Mr. Goodman: You should tell our doctor to call on the washerwoman’s family! , Mrs. Goodman: Dear me! What’s the matter there? Mr. Goodman: Influenza, I think!, Mrs. Goodman: Who told you? Mr. Goodman: No one; but I notice only two of my handkerchiefs came back this week.

HIS ADDRESS, PLEASE! The traveller had taken rooms at a fashionable hotel, but just as he was signing the visitor’s book, a little insect hopped on to the page. He put down the pen and told the clerk he couldn’t stay there. When asked the reason he answered pointing to the insect, “Well, it’s bad enough when those little beggars attack you in the night, but when they come-to see the number of your room, it’s a bit too thick!” SATISFIED. “Two pennyworth of bicarbonate of soda for indigestion at this time of night!” cried the infuriated chemist, who had been roused after midnight, “when a glass of hot water would have done just as well!” “Weel, weel, now!” cried MacDougal, “weel, I thank ye for the advice, and I’ll no’ bother ye after all. Good-night!” FROM THE BACK SEAT. The husband drew up a chair beside his wife’s sewing machine the other day and remarked: “Don’t you think it’s running too fast? Look out, you’ll sew the wrong seam. Slow down, or you’ll stick that needle in your finger!” “Why, what’s the matter with you? I’ve been running this machine for ten years.”

“Oh,'l was merely trying to assist you, just as you try to help me drive the car.” ■ NOT LIKELY. Pat was working on a- building job, when the foreman said to him one day, “Go over to the stores, Pat, fetch a barrow, and wheel that rubbish away,” Pat moved off, and came back with two barrows, wheeling'one with the other perched on top. The foreman, who was watching him, shouted, “Hi, Pat, I told you to bring one barrow, not two.” “I know you did,” said Pat, “but did you think I was going to carry it?” EXCUSED Macpherson wouldn’t spend a penny if he could by any means avoid it. Somehow he was induced to attend a church bazaar, but he was determined not to spend any money. He was buttonholed by several different girls, but got away by saying he wanted to look around first. This worked well until a pretty girl got hold of him. “Come now, I know you’ll buy something from me,” she pleaded. “Na, na,” said Mac, “I am only buying from plain girls. It’s so hard for| them to seel things, you know.” She let him off.

SHE, FAILED TO DUCK “Why, what’s the matter with yer eye, ducky?” asked a charlady, when she saw her friend’s black ‘eye. “Me lodger did it after the cricket match!” she replied. “Whatever for?” “I don’t rightly know as yet. You see, ’e’d been playing at cricket, and been bowled aht first ball twice. When ’e comes ’ome I asks ’im if ’e wanted two duck eggs for ’is tea.” “And did ’e get mad?” “And then when I asks ’im ‘if ’e’d seen a pair of spectacles ’e just turns and slugs me in me eye!” QUITE TIME The worthy professor was struggling with an abstruse mathematical problem that would have made Euclid look rather cheap. It held his usually brilliant mind in a veritable stanglehold, front which no escape seemed possible. Just at that moment his wife entered the study and said: “John, I know your studies make you forget almost everything else, but I did think you might have remembered that to-day is the 25th anniversary of our engagement!” “What! We’ve been engaged 25 years? Why the blazes didn’t you mention it before? It’s getting time we got married and saved a scandal!” SAFETY FIRST An ardent young motorist went into a strange barber’s shop for a haircut. He had just missed a bust-up by the narrowest of possible margins, and hadn’t quite got over the shock. “I think that’s your style, sir.” said the tonsorial artist, indicating the fashion chart, “its called the narrow squeak. Or this,” he added, “is called the close-call. Looks well with a spot of brilliantinc. Encourages the growth, sir!”

“No,” said the youth. “I’ve just had enough hair-raising stuff to last me for life. Just crop a bit off the bonnet down to the bumper, and take pretty well off from behind the mudguards. That’ll do for now.” COLOUR SIGNALS. An old Irishwoman who had landed in Glasgow found great difficulty in crossing the streets owing to the traffic, so she sought the aid of a policeman. He noticed her nationality, and pointing to the traffic signals, said: { You see these lights, mother? Well, when the colour of your own country; shows, you cross the street. She did so and managed to cross without difficulty, and, waiting on the other side till the green showed again, she recrossed the street and came up] to the. policeman and said: | Share. constable, and that’s a grand! thing ye have there, but I see ye 1 ' don’t give these blasted Orangemen < much time to get across. I,