WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 18 April 1936, Page 10

WEEK-END SMILES

experienced. Bizlcv: Ihcy say that women drivers offend the least under the speed limit laws. ”... .. t Pi-ley: I’m not surprised at that. Dent women always try to keep undci thirty?”

BELIEVE IT OR NOT. One of the troubles in this modern a-e is that too many people are spendin- money they haven t yet caincdon things they don't need to impress people they don t like.

PAYING FOR IT. Gibson: Now, 1 wonder what makes Higgles look so old—not his work, is GriLley: Dunno! P’raps it’s the expense of making his wife look so young. ISN’T THAT SO? A gossip is one who talks to you about others; a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a biiliiant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself. WHY NOT? Small Boy (reading papcri: Do you have to have a license lor a bicjcle now dad? Dad: No. Why? Small Boy: Well, it says here a man was lined for peddling without a license. USELESS. “How many times have 1 told yoir not to speak hvhen older people are talking? You must wait until they have finished." “Yes, mummy, Iml. they never do. EX I’I.A IN ING. Two women were talking in a tramcar. “My sister and mi-." said one. “we ain’t no more alike than ii we wasn 1 ns. Yes. she’s just as different as i be. only the other way.’’ The mana.'f i of a cinema was interviewing a;: applicant for the position of attendant. After asking the man I several questions as to his suitability I for the job. he finally asked him: “What would you do in the case oi fire?’’ “Oil," said the man, "don’t worry about me, I’d soon get out.” I ON THE CONTRARY. I Scene—The village pond, with an unfortunate skater up to his neck in icv water. “What’s the matiter, mister? Ice broke?” said the simple native. Of course not, you fool,” said the skater. “I was swimming under water when the frost came.' GOOD CURE. “Well, my man,” said the Irish doctor. “what’s the matter with you?” “Pains in the back, sir." replied the patient. "I’ll soon put you right,’’ replied the doctor, handing the man a box of pills. “Take one of these a quarter ot an hour before you feel the pain coming on.” FOLLOWING THE MOTTO. Fainter: What d'ye mean by slicing stones at my dog? Boy: He bit me! Farmer: How many times? Boy: Once. Farmer: Only once? Why did you shy at him twice? Boy: Well, once bitten, twice shy, you know. THE VICAR KNEW. Vicar’s Son: Dad. our form master said that to congregate moans the same as to collect. The Vicar: That’s so, my son. but a large congregation doesn’t always mean a large collection. BITS AND PIECES. Guest (admiring exhibition case): What a wonderful collection of cups you have! It must have taken a long time to collect them. Hostess: No, they arc just the last cups of each service we have had in the last two years. WONDERFUL. The yokel came to London on an . excnrsii n and wandered into a I'or- ' tune-teller’s. they say ye be able to tell my character by my ’and,” he said, extending his calloused palm. “Yes,” said the palmist, “and for a. start —you’re from the country.” “By gum!’’ exclaimed the countryman, “you be wunnerful!” j PUTTING HER RIGHT. The city man entered his office and found the new lady clerk vigorously powdering and making-up with various pastes, powders, lipstick, etc. “Er—excuse me!” said he. “When I engaged you I said you could make yourself ‘useful’ in the office, not ‘youthful’!” HOW IT’S DONE. “Um expecting a pound box of chocolates this week-end,” confided Muriel to her friend. “Really!’’ said h.er friend. “What makes you think so?” “The other night,” she explained. “I told my boy friend never to speak to me again.” , NO FAITH. | At a special service called for the ; purpose of interceding for rain, a < Negro preacher began his sermon by i saying: “De lack oh faith among you j niggahs is appalling. Heah are we met ; to ask de Lawd to send us rain, and c net one ob you hase brought an urn- c Bella to go home with.” I SUBSTITUTE. J The actress hit upon what she j thought was a first-class plan for en- ( suring the safety of her pearl neck- j. lace. She always left it on her dress- j ing table with a note, “This is only v an imitation. The real one is at the ,] bank.”

But. when she returned one night Irom the theatre the necklace was gone. In its place was the following note: “This necklace will do. thunks. I'm only a substitute myself. The burglar who usually looks after the district is in prison.’’

SUMMED UP. “Mrs Important” was holding up the serving of customers in the hitcher’s by telling the assistant that the meat could not he good! It was so cheap! She always paid more. Again and again the polite assistant replied that it was the best English, as labelled. She then said she would take some for her dogs. Whereupon another customer, waiting patiently to be served, said: "Please give me lAlb for my dog, or he will be late for his work.”