WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 14 March 1936, Page 9

WEEK-END SMILES

CODE. A Scotsman had to send an urgent telegram, and not wishing to spend more money than necessary wrote this:—

“Bruises hurt erased afford erected analysis hurt too infectious unconscious.” (Ten words.) The Scotsman who received it immediately decided it was: —“Bruce is hurt. He raced a Ford. He wrecked it, and Alice is hurt too. Infact, she’s unconscious.” (Nineteen words.) 1935 VERSION. ' The farmer’s pink-cheeked daughter was coming up the lane. She was clad in a grimy pair of overalls from Like pockets of Which bulged bunches of waste and sundry wrenches, screwdrivers ,and other tools. In her hand a dirty satchel of iron tools. Visitor: Where are you going, my pretty maid? • Maid: I’m going a-milking, sir. Visitor: But why all the tools, my pretty maid? Maid: Trouble with the darn milking machine again. CAPITAL PUNISHMENT. A woman who had been summoned to appear on the jury asked to be excused. “On what grounds, madam?” asked the judge. “Because I do not believe in capital punishment.” The Judge: “It concerns a case between a married couple about the sum of £2O. The wife entrusted it to her husband to buy a fur coat for her, but he used the money on himself.” “Oh, that’s it,” said the woman, brightening up. “I’ll serve.” Then after a pause, she added, in a reflective tone, “perhaps, after all, I am wrong about capital punishment.” - ENTHUSIASM. She had just married. Her pride was great as she walked round the big stores with a list of household necessities in her bag. At last she reached the horticultural department. “I want to grow some trees in my garden,” she said. “Can you sell me a few seeds?”

“Certainly, madam,” replied the assistant. He fetched her a packet.

“Can you guarantee these?” “Yes, madam.” “Will the' trees be tall and thick in the trunk?”

“They should be, madam.” “Very well,” she said, “I’ll have a hammock at the same time.”

/ ■' THOUGHTFUL.

The young physician was tired, but, as he settled back in his easy chair and his newly wedded wife took a seat beside him, he asked affectionately: “And has my little wife been lonely?” “Oh, no,” she said animatedly; “at least, not very. I’ve found something to busy myself with.” “Indeed.’, he said. "What is it?” “Oh, I’m organising a class. A lot of girls and young married women are in it, and we’re teaching each other how to cook.” “What do you do with the things you- cook?” A “We send them to the neighbours.” “Dear, little Woman, said he, “always thoughtful of your husband’s practice.” NOT A NEW SHOW“I say. Bill,” said his wife, “let’s go to the theatre. 1 hear they’re putting on a new show to-night.” “All right,” he agreed, “I ain’t never been to a first night before.” They dressed hurriedly and set out.

Arriving outside the theatre, Bill stopped and stared at the floodlit posters: “Here, Emma,” he said rather sharply, “I thought you ,said it was a new show starting to-night? Why, this show has been going on for nearly a fortnight!” “What d’yer mean?” she asked him.

“Well, look at that poster,” said Bill. “Doesn’t it say: ‘Shakespeare’s Great Play: “Twelfth Wight”?”

HARD WORK. The Sunday school teacher requested the children to bring something towards the missionary fund, but stipulated that each child should do some kind of work in order to obtain it. When the day arrived for the subscriptions to be handed in the teacher asked one small boy what he had done to earn the sixpence that he had given. “I got it from my father,” replied the boy.

“But that isn’t work,” said the teacher.

“Well,” replied the boy, “if you knew my father you’d think it was, teacher, and very hard work, tool” j

IT’S ALL O.K.

“Wait a minute, fellows, and I’ll see, if I can go out with you to-night. It’ll be okay with the wife all right, but I always like to call home first just to make sure. Hello, dear. Listen, darling, some' of the fellows here at the office are going to have a little party to-night, and I wonder if you want me to—” “Yes, Walter, I want you to try and go with them. I want you to try and stay out real late, and I want you to do some drinking, too. I want you to trv and have a lot of fun. I think you ought to try and take in the night clubs, and I want you to try and get a couple of girls to go along, too. Yes, Walter, I want to see you JUST TRY IT!” '

HE DIDN’T. The second whispered anxiously into the cauliflowered ear of his man — you’re not putting enough heart into it, Pug! Go in at him as if you hated him! It might be news to you, but that guy in the other corner was in love With that sweet little wife of yours years before you got married. Remember that!” The battered tioxer glared up at his assistant. , “If that’s so, Jim,” he snarled, then I’ll kill ’im the next round.” “That’s the stuff!” hissed the second. “That skunk might have married that sweet girl of. yours!” “That’s it!” growled the would-be murderer. “An’ he didn’t!

PAID FOR. While on a visit to London, Sandy went into a public-house, and asked for a glass of whisky, for which he tendered ?. shilling. “Another sixpence, please!” said the lady behind the bar. “Yo’ro awfu’ dear, lassie,” complained Sandy. “W-all, you know,” replied the lady with a sweep of her hand round the nicely-appointed room, “it takes a lot to keep up a place like this —pictures, mirrors, and such like!” Sandy paid. Next day he returned, and gave the same order and again laid down a shilling. “Another sixpence, please,” this time snapped the lady. “Na, na, my lassie,” replied Sandy. J “I paid to see yer braw pictures yesterday!”