WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 17 August 1935, Page 4

WEEK-END SMILES

COULDN'T BE DONE. Disgruntled Second: Why don't you use your feet a bit more? Boxer: The referee’s too fussy. A LONG TRIP NECESSARY Bore: Don’t you think travel broadens the mind? Fed-up Listener: Yes. You should take a trip round the world. EXPLAINED. Mr. Jinks: That foreign clock you’ve bought is continually gaining. Mrs. Jinks: Oh. well. I expect their time is a lot faster than ours. SOLID FARE. Alice: My dear, those cakes of Mrs. Smith’s were as hard as iron. Alicia: Yes. I know. I suppose that’s why she said. “Take your pick” when she handed them round. THE QUESTION. Hunter: Wa hadn't been hunting long when my rifle cracked. There lay a big bear at my feet. Bored Guest (politely): Had it been dead long? NO. THANKS. Traveller: Can I get anything to eat in this dump? Waiter: Yas.'salt, you kin. . Traveller: Such as what? Waiter: Such as it is, salt. GETTING THERE FIRST. Grocer: I'm coming round to get your father to pay his bill, Johnny. When is the best time to see him? Johnny: Just before ma sees him. HENCE THE ROW. Wifey: Would you like a nice tender steak and some lovely golden-brown fried potatoes this evening, dear? Hubby: No. honey, I think we ought to save money. Let’s eat at home. HE DIDN’T KNOW. Officer (to recruit who has missed the target every shot): Good gracious, man! Where are your shots going? Recruit( nervously): I don’t know, Sir. They left this end all right. MUCH TOO BIG. Wife (pointing out high-priced hat in shop window): John, dear, isn’t that a duck of a hat? Husband: Yes, but I prefer a duck with a smaller bill. ' HELPING FATHER. Ralphie: Coming to the pictures tonight, Alfie? Alfie: No. I gotta stay at home and help dad with my homework. POINT Ob’ VIEW.

A doctor touring in the provinces had difficulty in obtaining suitable lodgings in a small town. One landlady, showing him a dingy bedroom, remarked persuasively, “As a whole, this is quite a nice room, isn’t it?" » “Yes, madam," he agreed, “but as a bedroom it’s ub good." USUAL TOPIC. The maid was relating the story of a large party given the previous evening by her mistress. “And they all came in big cars, and had on the grandest clothes, and wore the biggest diamonds.” “And what did they talk about?” breathlessly inquired the neighbour's maid. “Us,” was the reply. WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS. On returning from a country holiday a child was met by its mother. The little one at once began to talk about, country experiences, and described picking strawberries for breakfast. The mother replied: Yes, and I wonder you didn’t fall out of the tree and break your blooming neck.” TOO LIFELIKE! The married couple were having breakfast one morning when the husband remarked on the noise created by cats during the night. * “I can't think what’s attracted so many cats round here all at once!” said he. “Oh, I know what has done it," said the wife. “It’s through the traffic people marking a ‘herring bone’ crossing on the roadway outside!” NO NEED FOR ALARM. They had been sitting together for some time, when the girl’s father entered the drawing-room and said: — “Young man, do you know what time it is?” The timid youth leapt to his feet, and stammering. "Y—yes." hurried into the hall and then out into the night. The girl’s father stood bewildered. "That’s a queer fellow to have calling on you. Edna," he remarked. “Why did he‘rush off like that? My watch had stopped, and 1 merely wanted to get the lime from him to set it going again." CONFIRMATION. The business magnate surveyed his son who had just left college, with anger and disgust. “You grow more and more like a conceited, hare-brained, helpless idiot,” he growled.

Just then a business triend of the old gentleman entered the office and greeted the youth. “Hello, Charlie! Back again, eh?" exclaimed the visitor. “You’re looking more and more like your lather every time, I see you.” "Yes.” said Charlie slyly, “that’s what the governor’s just been telling me."

GETTING DOWN TO IT. •‘Wauled, man. tn assist diver; must be aide tn start at once." tiley saw I lie advertisement, and went aft"r the mb When lit- got to the (butts he s.ixx [ip. man working the pumps, ami. going up to him. said. "Whores ’.he boss'.'" Tlie man pointed tn th • va ter and said. "Down below." Kiley took off his coal and div<-d in. t’oininv Io (he surface, he ye'hd lo the man on the bank "Has he come tip yet "No,” was the reply. Down he went again The ne\! time he came up ami asked. "1- he still below Yes," was lhe answer. "Well." said Kib-.x. ;is In went down (he third time, “if he comes up while I'm below tell him lx e started " JEST St> Mat!) accidents had occurred at lite toot of a dangerous hill and the <■llllll tv council decided to erect a notice to want drivers. The board was duly inscribed and handed to a workman to be erected lltiring the day a councillor strolhd loiiml to see that the work had licet! done satisfactorily. When lie arrived at lhe brow of the hill he could see no signs of the work. Alter watting for a w it: >■ he jourmoed on down. To his amazi.-im.-nt h> •aw Hie man dierim. aw.ix at tb<- foot o • th c 11 ill • p ■.!,!! ilmu;-?" asked tie- < o- i I m I i io; I to making a hole to;- the noli*c .nd ■■■ .is ‘he reply • -ri|■ m>t I >'e pirn. • • t !>.< boa rd \\,|! Hit.- I. where aei tdent