WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 3 August 1935, Page 3

WEEK-END SMILES

SHORT STORY. A man in a tube train gave his seat to a woinan. She fainted. But she recovered and thanked him. He fainted. APPRECIATION. “Yes, when 1 had finished a solo Hie audience shouted for a speech,” said the amateur violinist. “Peihaps they had an idea that you were going to play again,” said the other drily. 1 LITERALIST! The small boy had fallen into the stream, but had not been rescued. “How did you come to fall in?” asked a bystander. “I didn’t come to fall in,” the boy explained. “I came to fish.” IT IS SO. Two children were arguing. John: It is. Elizabeth: It isn’t. John: 1; tell you it is, because mummy says it is., and if mummy says it is, it is, even if it isn’t. . SHARP. A newspaper advertisement which read, “Do you want to cut your housekeeping bills in half? Send along five shillings,” appealed to Mrs. McMingy, so she answered it. By return post he received a parcel containing a cheap pair of scissors. FATHER KNEW. “I don’t believe you know what a bachelor is,” said Rose’s governess, as she corrected her pupil’s English composition. “Yes, -I do,” said Rose. “A bachelor is a very happy man.” “How do you know that?” inquired the governess. “Father told me,” said Rose.

HIS PREFERENCE. “It gives me great pleasure, O’Connor, to pin this medal on your breast,” said the commander, “and to tell you that I am also placing twentyfive dollars to your credit in the bank.” “Thank ye. sorr," said the private. “But, sorr ” “Yes?" “If ye wouldn’t mind now, sor,” said O’Connor, “couldn’t ye pin the twentyfive dollars on me breast and put the medal in the bank?’ OUGHT AND NOUGHT. The vicar and his head churchwarden were checking up the subsciiptiuus for the new church hall. The churchwarden paused as he picked up one cheque. "H’m,” he said dolefully, “five pounds. Is that all the squire is giving to the fund? Why, he ought to give at least fifty. The vicar smiled. “Ah.” he said gently, ”1 expect he forgot the ‘ought.’ "

I ( THE PICTURE. The hardy old pioneer had the whole bar room for an audience the night after he was nearly drowned. “When I sank for the third time, the whole of my life came before me like moving picture.” he feelingly recounted. It was the old fellow at the domino i table who broke the pause. “Didn't happen to notice a picture of me londin’ yon a coupla quid, did ye?" he demanded with deadly emphasis.

NO WONDER. An engineer, while explaining the operation df a machine in a factory, got so annoyed at the interruptions of a certain man that he refused to confine and walked away. “Who is the fellow who pretends to know more about that instrument than I do?” he asked another man. “Oh, he’s the man who invented it!” was the answer. IN MEMORIAM. A Yorkshireman was. showing an American round London. They came to a busy corner aaid were watching the traffic. The American said: “This is nothing, bo! I dare walk across with my eyes closed.” •‘Yes,” said the Yorkshireman, “a man once did.” “And did he get across!” asked the American. “Yes, a marble one,” replied the Yorkshireman. BIT BY BIT. No tenant would take the haunted house. Finally the owner had the place done up, electric light installed and all the latest labour-saving devices put in. Then he heard that a inan had been after the house and in great excitement he rang up the agent. a “Is it true that someone has taken the house at last,” he asked eagerly. The agent’s voice was sad. “So far he’s only taken the electric light fittings.” he said, “perhaps he’ll come back for the house later.”

ROTTEN LUCK. The last guest was in the cloakroom getting his hat and coat on. He couldn’t help noticing the woebegone look on the attendant’s face. “You seem upset,” remarked the guest kindly. < “1 am upset, sil’,” answered the attendant. “What’s the trouble? Haven’t the guests tipped you well this evening?” asked the guest. “It’s not only that they haven’t tipped me, sir,” replied the attendant sadly*, “but somebody has taken the shilling that I put on the tray for a decoy!” ASSISTANCE. Mrs. Jones, up from the country, sat in the front row of the audience waiting for the park band to commence. Presently the conductor motioned the players to prepare, and the trombone played began to tune up. Mrs. Jones watched him for some time, and then she sprang from her scat, . wrenched the trombone from the player, and pulled it apart. "There ye are. lad.” she said, handing the startled musician the two rails, "i «ee you bin having a tussle with the instrument to git it apart, so 1 thought. I’d help ye.” YES. BY GEORGE! The annual carnival was about to take place, and the people of Slush--on-the-Mire were all interested in preparing their costumes for the great r’ay. The Tiggerwood family were as excited as the rest, except the eldest ton, Timothy, who was too tired — and had always been too tired—to bothei* himself much about anything.

”1 wish Timothy would enter into the tun. too,” sighed his mother, “but tin- pom- boy won't stir himself. Says ho wouldn’t know what character to go as."

"He could easily go mi the parade a - .“ -dragon/ " grunted Mr. Tiggerwood. "The part would fit him like a glove! Hn’s been n drag on us for years!"