WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 25 May 1935, Page 4

WEEK-END SMILES

PLURAL He: Give us a kiss. She: You and who else? SHE ALWAYS GETS IT The best way to discover what a woman is weeping for it to wait and see what she gets. SAW IT COMING. Trainer: Why did you fall down? He didn’t hit you. Boxer: No, but I read his thoughts. ANOTHER TALL ONE “1 can’t bear to think of my thirtieth birthday, John.” “Why, what happened then, Dorothy?”

ACCOMPLISHED A foreign witness in a police court was asked if he would like an interpreter. “No. sir,” he replied, emphatically; “I speak two spokes.” THAT’S NICE Mrs. Figg: Does your husband ever pay you compliments? Mrs. Fagg: Well, sometimes he says, “You’re a nice one.’” TO BE REVEALED Bashful Youth: I want a present for a. young lady. Store Salesman: Sister or fituicee? Bashful Youth: Well, er —she hasn’t said what she would be yet. SYNONYM “I've been trying to think of a word for two weeks.” “How about fortnight?” IN A HURRY Husband: Who was that who were talking to a whole hour at the gate? Wife: That was Mrs. Smith —she hadn’t time to come in. WRONG SHOP Driver of Ancient Car: Do you do repairing here? Garage Owner: Yes, but we don’t, do manufacturing. QUITE ENOUGH Young Man: Did you see the "mother’s face when I told her that she looked as young as her daughter? His Friend: No; but I saw the daughter’s.

TOO THOUGHTFUL Man: Is there always such a crowd waiting for the buses? Inspector: No. It's only when everybody starts a quarter of an hour earlier in order to avoid the rush. ALWAYS PUNCTUATE Employer (to newly-hired typist): Now I hope you thoroughly understand the importance of puctuation. Stenographer: Oh, yes, indeed. I always get to work on time. THE GREATER TASK “I took up this game,” the hopeless novice said apologetically to liis caddy, “merely to practise self-con-trol.” “You ought to have gone in for

caddying, sir.” HER STATUS Boss; My wife heard that. 1 took you out to dinner the other evening. Secretary: Well, what does that make me?

Boss: That makes you my former secretary. UNCERTAIN. 'Mother: Who sent you these Howers, Mollie? Mollie: Oh. p. certain boy. Mother: You shouldn’t say a “certain” hoy. None of them is certain until you marry him! ABSENT-MINDED. Inspector (to constable who lias just brought in a prisoner): So this is the fellow who stole the wagon-load of sand. Did you get the sand? Policeman: No, sir. " Inspector: Search him, then! QUESTION AND ANSWER “A statesman is supposed to be familiar with all public questions.” “Yes,” replied Senator Bakblox, “but not necessarily with all the answers.” SPELLING LESSON “Now, if 1 write ‘n-e-w’ on the blackboard, what does that spell?” “New.” •“Now I'll put a. ‘k’ in front of it, and what have we?” “Canoe.” THE SILENT SOURCE Guest (to hostess): My dear where did your wonderful string of pearls come from? You don’t mind my asking, do you? Hostess: Certainly not. They came from oysters. ABSENCE AND THE HEART

“What’s the malter with you?”

“Aly sweetie and I had words last night. I told her here 1 was going away for ever, and she said for me to go ahead.” “Well, if you’re any man at all. you’ll slay away two evenings at least before going to see her again." NOT THAT KIND Ai a. nucting of tin urban district council the clerk announced that he wanted a supply of ribbons for the typewriter. Immediately a member protested against such extravagance. “She is a very satisfactory girl," he said, "but 1 don't see why she should bo provided with finery at tho expense of tho. ratepayers.” THE TEMPTER Sandy stepped out of the taxi and tendered the driver the exact fare, plus two halfpennies. The driver gazed at the two halfpennies and said sarcastically— “You’ve given mo a penny too nnivii.” "That’s a' right," retorted Sandy. "It's for yoursel.’ ye Ic?n.” "Nah then." retorted the driver, “don’t tempt me. 1 gave up eating sweets nigh forty years ago.” THAT’S SOMETHING The Rev. Mose Johnson was holding a service, and at the conclusion lent his hat to a member, as was the custom, to pass round for contributions. The brother canvassed (he congregation thoroughly, but. the hat came hack to him empty. Brother Johnson looked at it, turned it upside down, and shook it vibcroiisb.. He sighed audibly. "Breddern an’ sistern.” lie said. "Ah sure is glad dal. Ah got mah hat back!”