WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 27 April 1935, Page 4

WEEK-END SMILES

PUNISHED. “Do you think people should be punished for gambling at the races?” “A lot of them are, by having their money taken away from them.” AMBITION. “Have you heard that Mrs. Jones found a golden sovereign in a herring?” “Poor thing! It was probably saving up to become a goldfish.” EXERCISES. Seargeant: When I say “One,” stand at attention, at “two” jump in the air, and at “three” come down again. MERE DETAIL. “If I won first prize in the lottery, I’d buy a pub in some quiet spot.” “But you wouldn’t get any customers;” “ ’Go’s talkin’ about customers?” U.S.

“Rastus, I see your mule has 'U.S.' branded on his hindquarters. Was he an army mule before you got him?” “No, boss, dat 'U.S.' don’ stan’ foh ‘Uncle Sam’; dat means ‘unsafe,’” CLEVER. Mike: Begorra, Pat, I was too clever for that customer. He tried to pass a bad half-crown on me.” Pat: And you gave it hack to him? i Mike: Yes, I mixed it up with the pennies in his change: ■ FROM THE BACK SEAT. “What would your wife say if you bought a new car?” ‘“Look our for the traffic lights! Be careful now! Don’t hit that lorry! Why don’t you watch where you’re going? Will you never learn?’ And a lot more like that.” IN A HURRY. Customer (excitedly): A mousetrap, quick; I want to catch a bus. Assistant: Er —I don’t think it would do for that, sir. THE RECORD. “Every time I have an argument with my girl friend I enter it in a small diary!”

“Oh, I see. You keep a scrapbook!”

QUITE WILLING. Suitor: I wish to marry your daughter, sir. Dad: Do you drink, young man? Suitor: Thanks very much, sir, but let’s settle this other matter first. THE NEEDFUT7. George: Are you ready to live on my income, dear? Maud: Certainly, dearest, if— George: If what? Maud: If you can get another one for yourself! THE' WEAKER SEX. “They tell me Simpson had quite a scrap with his wife last night.” “What was wrong with him?” “I didn’t hear.” “Liquor, do you suppose?” “No, she licked him!” THE THRILL. Tramp: Yes_. lady, it was.awful. I heard the chang-chang of the engine and smelt the petrol. I sprang, but it was too late. The machine passed over me.

Lady (giving him a shilling): And did that motor car hurt you? Tramp: Motor car, ma’am? It was an aeroplane. t ABSENCE OF MEMORY

Diner (in hotel): Hi, waiter, I have been a regular customer here for 20 years, and I have always had two pieces of meat, but to-day I’ve only got one piece. What is the reason? Waiter: Well, sir, we’ve got a new chef, and perhaps he’s forgotten to cut your meat in two. ONE WAY OF DOING IT. “Jane,” cried the mistress reproachfully, “you informed me a while ago that you were going to have a little sleep." “Yes, madam,” replied the maid. "Then,” pursued her mistress, “what were you doing at the garden gate when the soldiers passed by?” “Having forty winks,” answered the maid. QUITE FAIR. An old gentleman had caught two young boys fighting. One of the boys ran away, but the old man seized the other- urchin by the collar and began to lecture him. “Yen bad boy!” he said. “Yon must learn to give and take.” “That’s what I did,” said the culprit. “I gave ’im a punch on the nose and took his apple.” THE FINISHING TOUCH. A young man -walked breezily into the doctor’s surgery.

“Ah, good morning, sir!” he said. “I’ve just dropped in to say how much I benefited by your treatment.” The doctor eyed him up and down. “But 1 don't remember you.” he said; “you’re not one of my patients.” “I know.” replied the,other, “but my uncle was, arid I’m his heir.” THE THOUGHT READER. After an immense amount of trouble, the vicar of a country parish succeeded in reconciling two old women who had been quarrelling for years. He even induced them to meet under the vicaragp roof. In his drawing room they shook hands. After an embarrassed silence one of them said: “Well. Mrs, Tyler, 1 wish you all you wishes me.” . “An’ who’s saying nasty things now?” snapped Mrs. Tyler. RUNNING NO RISKS. Mrs. Jones went to her neighbour. Mrs. Smith, for advice on how to rear chickens. After giving a few hints her neighbour wound up by saying: “Remember. a hen sits three weeks for chickens and four weeks for ducks.” Mrs. Jones thanked her and went awav to get her hen on some eggs.

All went well for a fortnight, but suddenly Mrs Jones began to get anxious. If. was evident something was worrying her.

“Mary," she said to the maid. "I’m going away for two weeks, so remember if that hen sits more than another week take her off. 1 don’t want ducks." A LITTLE HELP. A member of the audience had obliged the conjurer with half a crown. After making it vanish several times the performer asked:

“Would it surprise you very much, sir. if this half-crown which you have seen dissolved in the air, was found on the other side of the theatre?” The owner of the coin replied it would.

Th<- conjuror went, to the other side of the stage ami pointed to a small buy ;;t the back of the stalls. "Hi. boy.” he called, “will you stand nn and feel in your left-hand trouser p<, ke! to’see if there Is a half-crown ihere?”

Th. ... was a short pause and th<- l»«»y sp-tK-: “There's only two and tourpence. sir," he stammered out. "You said I could have twopence for h*dpuvr you. and I’ve °n»>n! It."