WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 20 April 1935, Page 10

WEEK-END SMILES

THE PARTING. Englishman: Au reservoir! Frenchman: Tanks! MEDICAL NOTE. The best thing to take when run down is the number of the car. 0, THE DIFFERENCE. Some wives are fond of listeningin, and others of speaking out. TIME. NON-PAYMENT SYSTEM. “Good morning! Will you take a chair?” “No, thank you, ma’am. I’ve, come to take the wireless set.” TOO BAD. Doctor: Are you ill? Let me see your tongue. Poet: Ah, it is no use; no tongue can tell how bad. I feel. SHORT STORY. Sail. Gale. Pale. Rail.

IF NOT FAST. A racehorse has been named “Mother-in-law.” She is a good stayer. REPLY TO READER. ' “Is an army officer’s pay enough for him to live on?” asks a reader. It depends on what kind of mess he gets in. THE GIRL OF THE PERIOD. Employer: And what is your best ■speed ? New Typist: Well, I once touched 70 on a clear road, NOCTURNAL NONSENSE. “What do you mean by coming home at this hour?” “Well, dad, I have to be at the office by nine.” THE PROSPECT. Mountain Guide: Be careful not to fall here. It’s' dangerous. But if youdo fall, remember to look to the left. You get a wonderful view.

SHOCKING. Convict (to warder): Sir, someone’s taken a pencil out of my cell. Warder: What! Do you mean to say we have thieves in prison? DEW. “When rain falls, does it ever arise again?” asked the professor. “Yes, .sir.”, “When?” “Why, in dew time.” “That will dew, sir.” VALUE.

Assistant: For value there is bothing on the market to compare with this at the price. Customer: And how much is it? Assistant: One moment, madam, I’ll ask the manager. WIDOW’S FEAR. •lopes: My wife says that if I were to .die.she .would remain a widow. Ev idently she thinks there’s not another man in the world like you. Jones: On the contrary, she’s afraid there may be, and that she’d get him. DOGS AND BAD NAMES. Convict (to visitor): it’s an awful think to know that you have been .a number and will always remain an object of suspicion to the Visitor: I shouldn’t let that worry

you too. much. You’ve got several thousand motorists to keep you company.

FIRST SLIP SLIPS.

One of the guests at the cricket dinner told how he had taken a stroll to the cricket field and seen that the home team was in the field. He related how he had seen first slip drop three successive soft chances. At last he turned to a spectator and asked, “Who is that fellow with the but-ter-fingers?” “Oh,” explained the other man, “that’s our secretary. You see, everything has to pass through his hands.” THE EXPLANATION. Judge: What is the meaning of the expression “sez you?” Counsel: M’lud, it would appear that it is a slang expression of American origin, which has gained regrettable currency in the language of the people, through the -insidious agency of the cinema, and is, I am given to understand, employed to indicate a state of dubiety, as to the credibility or veracity of a statement made by the speaker. Judge: O yeah!

THREATENING GESTURES. Little Bobby had been taken to a concert by his father. It was the first he had heard, and his mother was eager to learn how he liked it. “Daddy thinks it was a good concert,” she said. “The band played very well. What do you think, Bobby?” “Oh, it was pretty good,” said the boy, offhandedly. “They had to play well.” “Whatever do you mean?” asked mother, mystified. “Well, they had a man in front of them threatening them with a stick,” explained the boy.

THE SAMPLE. . The golfing novice prepared for his shot with the usual elaboration. He addressed the ball, swung with his club, brought it down smack upon the turf. The, ball travelled three yards: the turf travelled ten. In no way dismayed, he strode forward and picked up the piece of turf he had displaced. This was as it should be. But everyone gasped when he put it in his pocket. • “You mustn’t do that, sir!” cried the caddie. “You must replace the turf!”

“Nonsense!” replied the novice. “There’s plenty left. I’m going to send this to a friend who wants to know what the course is like.” DOUBLE TOIL AND TROUBLE. Outside the station the rain fell in torrents, and the one passenger who had alighted from the last train gazed dismally around. There was no help for it; he would have to take a taxi-cab home.j “How much do you charge to drive to street?” he called to the solitary driver.

“Five shillings,” replied the man. For a time they haggled, but the driver refused to come lower than four shillings. At last the prospective fare had a brain wave. “1 say, I’ll toss you double or quits!”

The driver agreed. He called “Heads,” and heads it was. “Rotten luck,” growled the other, “I shall have to walk after all!”

MONEY FOR NOTHING. The following letter addressed to the editor appeared in the “Commercial and Financial Chronicle,” New Aork. The writer’s gibe is directed to the big restriction scheme of the

United States Agricultural Adjustment Administration: — "Dear Sir, —A friend of mine in New England has a neighbour who lias received a Government cheque for 1000 dollars this year for not raising hogs. So my friend now wants to go into the business himself, he not being very prosperous just now: he says, in fact, that the idea of not raising hogs appeals to him very strongly. Of course, he will need a hired man, and that is where I come in. I write to you as to your opinion of the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, the best strain of hogs not to raise, and how best to keep an inventory of hogs you are not raising. Also, do you think capital could be raised ny I insurance of a non-hog-raising gold j bond ?

“The friend who got the thousand dollars got it for not raising 500 hogs. Now, we figure we might, easily not raise 1500 or 2000 hogs, so you see the possible profits are only limited

f by the number of hogs we do not ; raise.

“The other fellow had been raising hogs for forty years and never made more than 400 dollars in any one year. Kind of pathetic, isn’t it. to thinkhow he wasted his life raising hogs when he could have made so much more not raising them! I will thank you for any advice you may offer. “Very truly yours, Harold Trueman.”