WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 30 March 1935, Page 4

WEEK-END SMILES

DUE RESPECT. Diner: This steak is burnt black, waiter. Waiter (solemnly): Mark of respect, sir. Our manager died yesterday. ECONOMY. Shopper: Do you mean to tell me that this new stove will save half my gas bill? Salesman’: Most decidedly, madam. Shopper: Very well, give me two, and I’ll save the lot. OVERHEATED. Stiict Manager: Why do you hold the pen in the ink so long? Office Boy (who has applied for an increase in salary): To cool the nib, sir. VOCAL EVIDENCE. Wife: This is lovely soup. Hubby: Ah, but you should have heard the kind mother used to make. A GOOD SIGN. Doctor: How’s your patient this morning, nurse? Nurse: He's much more like himself, doctor. He’s beginning to blow the froth off his medicine. HELP. She: Oh, John, there is a man singing outside in the street. Can’t we help him? He: You can if you want, dear — you know 1 can’t sing. NEW VARIETY. Waiter: Would you like to try our windmill soup, sir? Diner: Windmill soup? What’s that? Waiter: You get some if it goes round. SCORN. The beautiful creature wius just leaving the hotel where she had stayed for the past year. “There is my address," she said to the clerk, "but if any letters come from a tall, dark man. throw them in the wastepaper basket." NATURAL. It was late in the evening, and he was tired of being accosted by the many street hawkers. The last straw came when a flower seller stopped him with "Snowdrops, sir?" “1 always knew it did," he snapped, and strode on. LIVELY. "Brown is marrying again. I hear.” "So they say. and from all accounts his second wife will make rather a lively stepmother for the children!" "A sort of wateh-your-step-mother, I suppose. NOT PRESSED. A man found himself at a teetotal banquet. He suffered patiently until the dessert arrived, when a neighbour pressed him to have some grapes. "No. thank you.” he growled. "I don’t, take my wine in pills." THEN THE ROW BEGAN. In an auction room a fur coat was being sold. A man near the rostrum was bent on possessing it; so was a woman standing on the outskirts of the crowd. There were no others bidding and they continued to bid against each other till al last the woman gave up. The jmreha;.< r’s name a;>" call'd. He was th'- woman •; hu. band. > THE BLACK SHEEP. “Now. Patrick," said the smilina priest as he looked at. his black sheep standing outside a public-house waiting for it open, “you look like a man who's going to be hanged, and I think ” "Oh. ’hen. Father, you're not far

out there. I’m waiting for the bolt to be drawn, and then I’m sure of having a drop.

OMINOUS. The comedian went into the provision shop looking awfully worried. “I see you exhibit a card in your window,” said he, nervously, “which reads, ’Empire Eggs’! ” "Well,” said the shopman, “what about it?” “Well,” said the “pro.,” "I’m singing at the Empire tonight!” MANNERLY. When little Betty was about to go to her chum’s party her father gave her a few hints on how she was to comport herself. “If they ask you to dine with them you must say, ‘No, thank you, 1 have already dined.’ ” When she arrived, however, the first thing her chum’s father said to her was, “Come away, Betty, and have a bite with us.” "No, thank you," replied the mannerly maid, "I have already bitten." THE REDEEMING FEATURE. The father was reading from the school report which had just been handed, to him by his hopeful son. His brow was wrathful as he read: "English, poor; French, weak; mathematics, fair,” and he gave a glance of disgust at the quaking lad. “Well, dad,” said the son. “it is not as good as it might be; but have you seen that?” And he pointed to the next, line, which read, “Health, excellent.” DESERVED SY Al PATH Y. The policeman went up to the little man standing on the edglfc of the pavement in the busy street. “Look here,” said the constable, "you’ve been hanging about here for two hours or more. What are you doing? You must either play some instrument or offer something for sale —you can’t stand here begging, you know!” “It’s all right!” said the other. “Aly wife’s in that shop buying a hat!” A LONG BUSINESS. The train was painfully slow. it stopped at all stations, and in between many of them. An inspector came along and asked to see the tickets. “But this boy can’t travel for half fare,” he said to a lady who was accompanied by her big son. "He’s much too big." “He may be now." was the woman’s reply, “but he was small enough when we started." GOOD GIRL. Mrs. Brown had a treasure of a maid, and she was praising her wonderful qualities, especially her trustworthiness. to envious friends, when the girl herself entered the room with tea. “Oh, Jane!” said Mrs. Brown, "will you run upstairs and fetch that letter I left on my dressing table?" “Er—er —which one, ma'am?" inquired Jane. "The one about your brother’s divorce or the one about the hire-purchase payments being late?"