WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 8 September 1934, Page 4

WEEK-END SMILES

THE BEST PLACE. Shopper: Cun I stick tin’s wallpaper oh myself? Salesman: Yes, sir—lint it would really look better on tho wall. HELPLESS. Mrs. Highbrow: A man is simply helpless without a wife. i Mrs. Nag: Yes. Whenever John wants to darn his stockings or mend | his clothes I notice I have to tread his' needle for him. \ VERY’ SMART. Mrs. Newly-Rich: What a horrid boarding-house’. It seems just like a prison. Amiable Landlady: Well, mum, its all a matter of what one is used to, isn’t it? CAN YOU HEAR THEM? "Well, I’ve always understood that these vacuum cleaners I am selling were the best on the market, but perhaps they aren’t after all.” APPROPRIATE. Mr. Dashink: What made you choose lemon for your new dress? Mrs. Dashink: Because I had such a .job squeezing it out of you. SHOCKING. •’Seo that man? He looks honesr, but ho defrauded me of half a million.” “Impossible!” “Yes, he refused me the hand of his daughter.” AGREED. Wife (during tiff): I’m sorry I didn’t marry the other fellow, who asked me to marry him. Husband: We’ve agreed on something at last. AT THE CABARET Husband (as violin number ends): That fellow reminds me of Paderewski • • Wife: But Paderewski isn’t a violinist« .Husband: Neither is this man. A LONG JOURNEY Teacher: Some fish travel long distances. Can anyone give me an instance? a . T . Scholar: Yes, sir. A goldfish. It travels round the globe every day.

WARM WELCOME “Ah,” said the touring manager, hopefully, after a week of disappointIng houses, ‘‘this looks better. There s even a bright sunset to welcpme us to this town.” j ~ “Sunset?” said the porter. Thats the theatre burning.” KEEPING A SECRET Margaret: Mollie told me you told her that secret I told you not to tell her. Katharine: Oh, isn’t she mean? Why, I told her not to tell you. Margaret: Well, I told her I wouldn’t tell you she told me, so don’t tell her I did. WELL SUPPLIED.' Antique Dealer (to America): Now, sir, if you’ll step this way, I’ve a very line specimen of a Queen Anne sideboard I would like to show you. American: Say, that queen of yours must have had a big dining-room. This’ll be the eighth sideboard of hers I’ve been shown this week. MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORSE. Mclntosh, who had summoned a doctor in the middle of the night, addressed the medical man when he arrived: Aye, doctor, I’m sorry we ca’d ye on such a treevial job. Ye see, we thocht wee Wullie had swallowed a half-croon, but .my wife has been countin’ up her checnge an’ it turns out to be only a. penny. WRONG. NUMBER. “Hullo! 1 want to order a box for to-morrow.” “What size?” “There will be six of us.” “But they only come in single sizes—we’ll have it made special.” “Isn’t that the Frivolity Theatre?” “No, this is the undertaker’s.” MOST AWKWARD. “Mrs. Ames was terribly ashamed when she had a party the other day and there were thirteen at the table,” said Mrs. Grey. Her friend sniffed rather contemptuously. “How foolish being so superstitious,” she replied. ■ “Oh, but it wasn’t that!” said the other. “She hud only twelve of everything in the house.” NEGLECTED EDUCATION. A merry party was going on in a private room at a large hotel. The festivities were interrupted by a waiter who said: — ‘‘Gentlemen, I have been-sent to ask you to make less noise. The gentleman in the next room says he cant ie “Can’t read!” replied the host. “Go and tell him he ought to be ashamed. Why,vl could read when I was five years old.”

GOOD RECEPTION The burly lion-tamer was putting his animals through their paces prior to the circus performance, when a boy attendant approached the cage. “What is it?’’ he asked. • “Your tailor is outside with your bill,” replied the boy. “AU I'iglit,” said tlie lion tainci, ofthandedly, “tell him to come in and see me.”

A FATAL ERROR An old lady was pestering an airman with questions. “Have you ever seen an accident?” she asked. “Only one,” he replied. “A parachutist jumped off just as the pilot looped the loop, and he went up instead of down, and we have never heard of him since.”

QUESTION Customer: Where’s your son who used to serve in this shop? Mi. Scalem: He’s taken up pugilism. What's more, he has already won a championship. Customer: Splendid. By the way, was it a light-weight championship? SANDY’S LOGIC. • A Scottish horseman upon entering a saddler’s asked for a single spur. “But why only one spur?” asked the man. “Well,” replied Sandy, “If I can get one side of the horse to go, t’other will hac to come wi’ it.” e PRECA UT JONARY MEAS U RES. “I’m sorry,” said the hotel diner, who hoped to get away with it. “but I haven’t, any money to pay my bill.” The cashier smiled sweetly. “That’s all right, sir,” she replied. “We’ll write your name on the wall, and you can pay the next time you come in.” “But, I say,” he said awkwardly, “don’t do that. Everybody who comes in will see it.” “Have no fear of tjliat, sir,” she replied. “Your overcoat will be hanging over the uamc.