WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 1 September 1934, Page 4

WEEK-END SMILES

A LONG TIME AGO. Restaurant manager: Was the waiter a grey-headed man? Customer: Not when he took my order. UNWELCOME. Pedlar: Beg pardon, ma'am, but 1 am agent for Doctor Feeder’s Spice Root Bitters, and I'm sure if the members of yon,r family would try them they would have the finest appetites ,, Lady at door (severely): This, sir, is a boardinghouse. PURE. Teacher to Pupil: Spell “Straight." Pupil: S-T-R-A-1-G-11-T. Teacher: Correct; what does it mean? Pupil: Without ginger ale. COMPETENT. , Jane: Frank told me J was the only girl he over loved June: And doesn’t he say it beautifully! LIMELIGHT. The lawyer was rehearsing the beautiful actress for her appearance in the divorce court. She listened with mild interest and finally asked a question. “Who plays the .part of the judge?” SMART! The mistress of the house entered the dining-room just as a burglar was in the act of purloining the silver. “What are you doing?” asked the lady. “I’m at your service, madam," replied the thief glibly. PIECE WORK. “Clock repairs, sir?” the jeweller said. “Oh yes,' we do them, of course. But in order to mend your clock, you know, we must have the whole instrument—you’ve only brought the pendulum.” “Well,” the customer said. “It’s’ only the pendulum as won’t go!” TERRIBLE RISKS. First Boy: Bet you ten million pounds you can’t jump over that fence. Second Boy: Bet you fifty million pounds I can. Granny (who has been listening horrified) : Boys! Boys! Don’t you know you must never bet?

SPITEFUL. Edith (just engaged): He told me I was so interesting and so beautiful. Julia (jealous): Surely you are not going to trust yourself for life with a man who begins deceiving you, even at the commencement of his courtship. LABOUR v. REST. The new cook had been explaining to the mistress the trials of a lifetime. Eventually she reached the stage of her married life, and its subsequent breakdown. “So your married life was very unhappy. Bridget,” sympathetically inquired the mistress, “what was the trouble? December wedded to May?” “Oh, no, madam,” replied the new cook,’’ “it was Labour Day married to the Day of Rest.” THE BISHOP IVON. A Bishop once discovered some small boys seated in a ring round a little dog. “What are you little boys doing?” he inquired. “We're having a competition,” said an urchin. “Whoever tells the biggest lie wins, this ’ere dog." The Bishop thought to improve the occasion and began—“ When I was a little boy I never told untruths ” but he was interrupted by a voice which cried —“Give the gent the dog, Alf.” VERY OBLIGING HORSE. Bertie was very timid, and it was with some misgivings that he approached the horse on which he was to have his first riding lesson. The riding master helped his pupil on to the animal’s back, and Bertie made himself comfortable. Suddenly a thought struck him. “I say,” he cried, “hchv does one get off this horse?” “Oh, that’s all right, sir,” said the riding master, “This horse is very good at helping riders off its back.” MOST INEFFICIENT. He had lived all his life in the depths of the Highlands. This was his first visit to a great city. Walking into an enormous post office, he said, “Half a pound of ham, please.” “We don’t sell ham here,” said the amused girl behind the grille. “Ye dinna?” he exclaimed in surprise. “Lassie, ye’re awfu’ far behind the times! In the post office of the place where I come fra’ they sell ham and eggs and apples and fire lichters and a hundred things besides.”

AMONG THE STARS. “Now, boys,” said the teacher, “tell me the signs of the zodiac. You first, Thomas.” “Taurus, the Bull.” “Right. Now you, Harold, another one.” “Cancer, the Crab.” “Right again. And now it’s your turn, Albert.” The boy looked puzzled, hesitated a moment, and then exclaimed, “Mickey, the Mouse.” CUTTING. He was exasperated with the telephone. Ten times that morning he had tried to get a number, and each time something had prevented him from speaking. Either it was “Number engaged,” or the person he wanted to speak to was out, or else he had been suddenly cut off. At last he got through. “Hallo!” said he. “Is Mr X. there?” “Yes,” replied a voice. “Do you want to speak to him?” That was the last straw. Back came the reply in icy tones: “Oh, no! Nothing of the sort. I merely rang him up to hand him a cigar.” QUICK WORK. The absent-minded professor drove up to his private garage, unlocked the door and found the place empty. Jumping into his car again, he hastened to the nearest police station. “I say, someone has entered my garage and stolen my car!” he said to the sergeant in charge. “What is the registered number?” At that moment a constable entered the office, and overhearing the number remarked: “Why, your car is standing outside, sir.” “By jove, that’s smart work,” cried the professor, joyfully. “And the thief! Have you got him as well?”